Youngest

[Serenity]

Hi Ladies,

I’ve not been on the forum for a long time. I just needed to reach out for a little support.

I’ve guided my eldest through the process of getting away from his dad and building himself up. He was his dad’s main target, and he had lots of issues three or four years ago, after we got out. It all came tumbling out. But he’s recently been away for abroad with his friends. I’m so relieved as he seems to have really found strength. He chooses not to see his dad.

My youngest has contact. His dad recently disappeared for a couple of months, then reappeared on the scene.

The thing is that my youngest is getting more and more disrespectful towards me. I know part of this could be age, but I always worry that it’s his dad’s influence, because his behaviour is so like his dad’s- constant criticism, bossiness.

If I get annoyed and say I’m not putting up with it, he denies wrongdoing and says I am exaggerating. Today he said I am a rubbish mother, because I don’t understand that it’s just because he’s a teenager! Apparently he told his dad that I got annoyed at his rudeness, and his dad said that I was exaggerating, that all teenagers are rude- as if to try to encourage him to be freely rude to me, almost! Yes, teenagers are often moody and rude- it’s normal to a point- but there’s a difference between it being understandable and acceptable. How will a boy ever learn to try to temper his emotions or work through them calmly, if he thinks aggression and rudeness is perfectly ok?

In a fit of temper, he also said I was an ‘emotional wreck.’ That’s his dad talking. In fact, I don’t feel I am. Yes, he saw mr in the throes of severe PTSD, unfortunately, following the abuse from my ex. I feel sad that my kids saw me in such a state. But I got a lot of help. I am now working as normal, keeping fit and healthy. I have a social life. My PTSD had been reduced to the odd phase of anxiety, normally only when my ex tries to affect me ( for example, he’s not meant to approach my road, but parks across my drive- but I manage to even shake that off now; I get more anxious about how he’s affecting my son).

I’m worried as- whereas my oldest son seems to see things clearly, maybe because his dad was so directly horrible to him, and he says he appreciates all I’ve done for him, and says I am a strong person etc- I truly fear that my youngest son’s mind us being turned. Today he told my to * off, told me I was ‘weak’ if I reacted to his rudeness; all these things that reek of disrespect. My older son use to get physically aggressive- kicking doors etc- but he had never used the kind of language my youngest son uses. My ex has a vile mouth too, and a sharp tongue.

Of course, I love both my boys equally. I’ve always treated them equally. My ex gives me no maintenance, lies to the court and tax office etc- I am working with a chronic illness which I don’t allow myself the luxury to even think about…I am simply trying my best.

Could my son truly be turned by my ex? Today, in his anger, he did let out that he thinks his dad is arubbish father. Maybe he’s angry about going?

Any support or advice would be so appreciated.

[White Rose]

It’s a tricky age isn’t it! Finding his feet, flexing his muscles, dealing with peer pressure, plus hormones and his dad’s influence.
You wrote very similar worries of your elder child and you both came through. You’ll get through another teenager phase I’m sure.
Don’t let him disrespect you. Be firm and fair but make sure you set boundaries and stick with them. If you threaten to ground him for bad behaviour carry it through and show him you are in charge. ‘I hear what you’re saying but…… ” can work along with “I understand why you might feel you need to say/feel/do that but….. ”
Try to have some mum and son time and maybe rope big brother in for a bit of behaviour management.
You’re a great mum – you’ve proved that. Believe it and do what comes naturally and you’ll be fine. Just remember to breathe before you speak when he’s kicking off!
Take care. Make sure you get some me time during the summer hols x*x

[freedomtochoose]

You are doing so well. Yes this is a tricky time indeed. and a tricky age. I get some of this as it is noticeable for me that when my babes comes back from her dads her behaviour is quite frankly appalllng for while..until we settle down again.

I mean above and beyond what you might expect from a teenager.

One thing that helps me is to remember that actually it has very little to do with me.
In the past I found myself internalising it and wondering what I had done wrong, but not try to think
along the lines of as I said, it has very little to do with me, as may I suggest this behaviour you are experiencing little to do with you.

Sometimes I also try to remember that if they didn’t love and trust you so much then they wouldn’t kick againast you emotionally. It is still hard, but at least they love you enough to do that, probablaby understanding that you will love them regardless of how they behave, because your love is unconditional…

so maybe in some strange way they are asking to be loved..?
all best
ftc
x

[Serenity]

Thank you very much, White Rose.

Your kind words are a real comfort. It’s a tricky age at the best of times, but the adult words he’s used make me sure that it’s his dad’s doing- at least partly.

I hope that things are a bit easier for you?

Freedom to Choose : thank you for your kind support. I know what you mean- they find us a safe place to vent. But we can’t be sitting ducks for abuse either. It’s a tough line to tread.

Thank you both for your support. He’s a little better today. I stick to my guns about some things- I don’t want him to think that kind of behaviour is acceptable, but st the same time he is a teenager, and maybe my ex’s mask is falling with him and he’s reacting with hurt, anger and the realisation that his dad really doesn’t care about anyone but himself.

[freedomtochoose]

Yes well said Serenity especially the bit
‘we can’t be sitting ducks for abuse either…’
tough and tiring,
x

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