Bingo-bongo

[Bingo-bongo]

Thanks for replies xxxx
It makes it a bit easier to deal with knowing somebody knows how it is.
Xxx

[Bingo-bongo]

It’s OTC pain meds mostly, so paracetamol, ibuprofen and aspirin… Boxes and boxes, that aspect is still going on, (detail removed by moderator).
There was diazepam the other month, but as far as I know, he can’t (currently) get a hold of any.
His liver and kidneys must be so broken!
At this point (and I told him this last week) I don’t even care. Its his health, his life, his body… Let him destroy it all. I’m done caring or trying to help or support. I’m past giving a damn. He can do as he pleases. It won’t be me in hospital through drug abuse. (he’s been on some sort of recreational drug Every single day now for years and years (longer than my kids ages!), the damage is unthinkable.

[Bingo-bongo]

I’m on the waiting list for counselling via gp, and also waiting for contact from the local women’s aid type service locally (initial convo wasn’t encouraging, because I’m not leaving, and not asking him to leave coupled with no PHYSICAL violence, I’m not any kind of priority.
I don’t have any one I can speak to, everybody in my life either condones/ downplays his behaviour or are partly responsible for how he is.
Any friends I have, I’m too paranoid to speak to in any real way as they’re mutual friends and so would likely play both sides.
In the past he has successfully convinced everybody around us that he’s the woe betide, hard done by, victim.
So, I just plod on and wait for counselling and when he goes off this time round, at least it’s not a surprise.
All I can do really is to just get on with getting myself independent.

[Bingo-bongo]

Thank you for kind words xxx
Yes, I’m safe. He’s still here, but he’s still oblivious to the damage he causes.
We’re all just carrying on as normal, albeit with him sulking that I’m very mean about the packs of pills, and I’m very selfish to be spending money on me driving lessons instead of him… Same old, same old!
All quiet-ish on the Western front for now, but this month is the month where I’m expecting the boot to drop again.
Our cycle goes quiet for a few months and anytime around about now, it all kicks off.
And the time cycle has been precise and every single time in all the time we’ve been together.
Predictable as clockwork. Hasn’t failed to happen bang on time since day one.

[Bingo-bongo]

He’s abusing over the counter meds now. Give me strength!
The eventual blow out happened (detail removed by moderator), and the LIES he’d been telling!
We were moving house, a long distance and he just never told his parents! They were paying for his driving, gave him a long term job, kitted him out with a new wardrobe, everything… And he just didn’t tell them we were moving! Until the day before his dad actually came to the house, saw everything packed, van booked for day after…. He disowned him on the spot.
Turned out (amongst other things) he’d been high every single day since we met, still drinking, still stealing, still lying….
It’s been reasonably quiet since, he moved with us, hasn’t found a job so that’s been a source of bickering.
And then (detail removed by moderator) I found packets and packets of over the counter pills.
Financially, I simply can’t afford to manage everything by myself.
Obviously,he hasn’t changed. But I have. I’m doing a lot more now to better my own personal situation so that I WILL be able to manage alone. Learning to drive, branching into semi self employed, house is solely in my name….
The time is coming, but oh so slowly!

[Bingo-bongo]

Oh my goodness.
He’s gone silent mid sentence while he was going on, and not replying to texts.
I’m scared he’s done something stupid while drink, and me telling him exactly how I been feeling has been too much for him.
Omg.
I don’t know what to do. His phone says he’s online, but not answering.
I don’t know what to do!
What if he been paying attention to me telling him how he’s hurt me so often, so badly…. And suddenly felt guilt……
He reckoned he been sobbing heartbroken all day…..

[Bingo-bongo]

Well…. He’s gone.
And now he’s creeping.
What now!

[Bingo-bongo]

Holy heck!
I’ve just put 2 & 2 together. A brainwave. A revelation.
So, firstly…I have BAD anxiety anyway. Real bad. Mostly focusing on mortality, health, social and GAD. So I’m familiar with panic attacks. I have them often. I know what one is,how it feels…..
And after all this time, now that my mindset has seemingly changed…. I recognised that his presence during these times of his behaviour I’m in almost constant state of panic.
From morning till night and dusk til dawn.
I’ve never even connected the physical things I feel whilst he goes on. I always assumed my heart rate was high simply because I was angry about this lie, or that theft or whatever…..
Now I’m sat here having an actual physical panic attack, and I realised that THIS exact feeling is what I feel everytime his behaviour kicks off, for a period of around a month at least either side of the actual fights, (around a month or so beforehand is when I start to get a bit of a heads up,when I start to really notice his sketchy behaviour) and it usually takes around a month or so after for him to lull me into forgetting and climbing back under my “everything will be fine” rock… And for this entire period THIS is how I’ve been feeling since the very first incident so long ago.
I’m shaking inside and out, like my insides are quivery, my heart rate is ridiculous,my blood pressure is through the roof, my hands and legs are just numb….my brain and my thoughts are just cotton wool soaked in thick mud in my head.
I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to connect the two things!
I feel like an idiot! And I don’t know what to do now. I have nobody to talk to. I don’t know what now.
But he’s due home any minute and I’m sweating and shaking and my heart’s pounding out of my chest and skipping beats all over the place….
And he’s never even been “brave” enough to hit me, all of these feelings are what he has accomplished WITHOUT physically hitting me so far!

[Bingo-bongo]

I’m so paranoid at the minute!
Because all our friends are mutual,I don’t know who to trust 🙁
Like, after last year I feel like people are giving him a heads up.
Suddenly now he’s making a big dramatic show about leaving his phone unnattended.
I assume he’s deleted anything incriminating and is waiting to “catch me out”,”snooping” or whatever
Even offered me his phone to look through,so I know he’s removed anything dodgy, and now he’s trying for a “gotcha” moment of his own.
I told him after so long of his same behaviour the onus is no longer on me to “catch him out” or find evidence….
It’s on him to “continue” being honest.
So paranoid right now, I feel like I can’t talk to anybody at min for fear of them warning him, or them dropping me in it by confronting him on my behalf…..

[Bingo-bongo]

He’s still at it.
He was paid cash in hand recently for something, and hasn’t mentioned a word about it. Has implied that “he wishes he HAD been paid”… Blah blah lies.
He has his bank account back too now, with his monthly wage going in. (Paid monthly too, so a large sum all in one go).
Im so scared hes just gonna go off on a bender and blow the lot. On my income alone i cannot pay the rent or food shopping, as my income is now supporting us weekly (so i cant even squirrel away as was my hope and plan).
Im scared and utterly trapped, just waiting for the boot to drop back down again.
He has a (removed by moderator) month cycle and its well overdue, only been minor lies and threats for a while now so im just waiting for the BIG one you know?
The refuge keeps refusing me because im not in their area, and the one in my area can only offer me any kind of support in THIS area. If I leave I need to leave this area due to his friends, my ex etc. Im in crippling debt and no way of paying it, my credit is in tatters, and i cant see a way out 🙁

[Bingo-bongo]

Thank so for the replies, saw the counselor and she’s put me on list for intensive “proper” therapy rather than cbt. She couldn’t however offer anything on the current situation, only that he doesn’t sound very nice.
I can’t ring women’s aid now until next when he’s at work so just gotta grin and bear it for now.
He thinks everything is all back to normal, keeps clinging and thanking me for having “normal” conversations with him (the convos are no different!) and promising. I think I might go mad if this carries on this way. He had the nerve to slag off his partner in crime, as if now that he’s not currently doing the same stuff that gives him a moral high ground!
I’m so very tired 🙁

[Bingo-bongo]

Also, in terms of hiding my plans from him, I very very doubt that he’d turn violent, he’s too cowardly. His MO is to flounce and tell me “there’s no point trying then”, so I think if he was worried about me leaving he’d either pull a sickie or start the guilt trip.

[Bingo-bongo]

I do feel close to leaving, but then in the same breath I’m kinda thinking I can stick it out whilst I get myself in order (finances, plans etc). Either way, the trust is entirely gone and I don’t think it’s coming back. Self preservation has finally kicked in (took long enough!)
The clinginess is driving me mad! Always on me or in my face, trying to touch me or baby talk me. I’m seeing things in a whole new light and it only fuels my anger.
He was trying to minimize my anger the other night, asking if I’m going to go off my head at every word he says, like “bananas”, or “chip butty”…. as though my being angry is to be likened to that, as though to make me question if I’m over reacting or being irrational. I have some counselling booked with a women’s worker that I hope can help me with the anger cause I’m just getting angrier by the day. At him, and also my own stupidity. This is not the first abusive relationship, every single one has been, clearly I have a type 🙁 and I’m not sure how to break that cycle, I’m not a weak woman, so do they see me as a challenge ? I didn’t think I come across as an easy target? I don’t know what to think. But I wish he’d stop clinging and grabby grabbing in desperation.
I’m just so angry!

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