Blue-bear

[Blue-bear]

I have been living with Fibromyalgia, ( a debilitating chronic pain condition )for over (detail removed by Moderator) years now. It was caused by a neck injury, like whiplash, where I felt and heard the side of my neck snap. It got worse and worse, the pain spread all down my back, then it was widespread over my entire body after (detail removed by Moderator) months. I was diagnosed after (detail removed by Moderator) months of 24 hour daily severe pain. My husband had to, over the next couple of months, give up his self-employed business as (detail removed by Moderator).
A long time has passed, a lot of resentment has built up….though during that time he has used my disability benefits to fund his degree….as a (detail removed by Moderator), so he is now a fully qualified (detail removed by Moderator), so it has all worked out rosey for him. But the abuse has got worse. Daily, I am belittled, criticised, called names, told I am thick….that I need to wear make-up to “make myself look pretty”. This morning I did not think before I spoke and said something completely innocent to which he snarled, shouting nastily at me suddenly,” (detail removed by Moderator)” “(detail removed by Moderator)“. I was left speechless, still in bed feeling ill, and felt my heart in my mouth again, but didn’t reply….I tried to quietly explain what I meant but he shouted me down as always, looking at me like he loaths me. I just sat up in bed wanting to cry but didn’t.

I told him (detail removed by Moderator) days ago after I cried, that I want to go, he said coldly and calmly “(detail removed by Moderator) ( 2 sons, age (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) ), “(detail removed by Moderator)”
After so much time of me keeping it all bottled up, apologizing for things I have not done wrong, that was all him….making me beg for forgiveness, the name calling….everything, I snapped. I broke….all my anger came out, it was like I was in a different world, but my children were there, I did and said things to him I regret because they heard and saw and my “2nd son”….with encouragement from his dad, took a video of me “loosing it” 🙁 ….now I get, “try to take the boys….don’t forget I have the video”. He has turned both boys against each other, treats son 2 with all the patience in the world, my younger son he constantly shouts at over nothing, is harsh with punishments…not physical though, jobs, chores, takes away everything from him.
I’m trapped. I feel sick to my stomach every day, I dread hearing his car pull up, I get a knott in my stomach, my chronic pain has doubled…..he mocks me and say’s I don’t need painkillers ( my GP has me on morphine, it’s that bad ), tells me I’m a drug-addict and what gives me the right to think my pain is any worse than anyone else s ( I have NEVER said that ) So much more, but my arms are really hurting now, so I have to stop. He’s trying to sabotage my (detail removed by Moderator)degree ( I study at home ), doesn’t like the fact I would be “academically above him, as a (detail removed by Moderator). I feel so hated, he shouts continuously, everyday, at my 2nd son, at me, rarely at “favorite son”. I’m so tired, so sad and no-one else sees the man I see as he is a very convincing liar, charming, helps everyone, always smiling….outside of the house. I want to give up but can’t for my childrens sake. Lost, lonely, scared, trapped, fearful, psychologically and emotionally “murdered” every day. So,So sad.
Sorry for the long post, thank you for reading it. x

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