Cherries

[Cherries]

I’m sorry to say society can’t stamp out abuse.

Behavioural changes only happen when the person wants to/is ready to/is prepared to put the work in.

You can’t force someone to do that.

You can’t even force someone to admit they do that.

Why people become abusive in the first place is a long and complicated thing…mostly about control and power it seems though I’m sure even that is simplifying it drastically.

It’s not limited to partners, or men against women, or parents against children….the problem is huge in society.

Locking them up after the fact feels like closing the gate after the horse bolted doesn’t it.

I’m with you. It’s infuriating. But I really don’t see any way to stop it sadly.

I tried to report my ex. Once. He told me the worst that would happen was they’d lock him up for a few hours and then he was coming for me. He was sadly right back then…this is decades ago. Things ARE shifting in the right direction. Back then coercion would have been laughed out the door. I couldn’t even get help after he threw a red hot iron at me with my toddler next to me ‘because it missed me’.

Things are changing. Slowly

[Cherries]

Sounds like something my OH would do…he doesn’t blow up though he goes guilt trip mode.

It’s horribly effective isn’t it at keeping us from having any needs.

I wish I knew what the point was…in my OH case it seems to be he feels safer being a victim somehow. Just my perception and not at all verified but nothing is ever his fault.

I too make my partners life hell and these days I rarely mention anything at all, just observe/learn/solidify my reasons for leaving so I have zero regrets or vulnerability if he chases me to go back with the guilt trip assault.

I get the losing the plot thing it’s awful isn’t it. I’ve actually relentlessly googled if I’m a narcissist. If I’m abusive. If I am a bully etc etc.

Somehow I doubt they are worrying about that themselves

[Cherries]

Hi.

I have similar coping mechanisms.

So that answers your initial question…is it possible to change? Absolutely.  But it’s hard, you really have to want it and it’s not quick. Takes a LOT of work.

What I’ve found to be not possible is changing someone else. It’s hard enough to change me and I know my deepest thoughts and insecurities. I am with me 24/7.

The answer for me is to build my self worth. A hard truth I have had to swallow over the years is that it’s not all them. There’s something about me that screams it’s ok to treat me like sh*t. If I don’t value and respect myself…why would anyone else right?

That’s not to say we deserve this stuff…more…there’s a reason why we stay. Why we tolerate so much for so long.

As I’ve done this work I’ve come to realise my current partner is not the Knight in shining armour I thought him to be. As I like myself more, I see his disrespect and manipulation more…and I accept it less. Bend myself to fit, less.

So start there. Always start with yourself. Not by making yourself smaller and more biddable to others, but by making yourself more likeable/lovable/worthy to yourself.

It’s not an easy path but my word it’s worth it x

[Cherries]

Hi, yes I’ve had contact with the local DA service…you know, in even feel guilty about that. Can’t win. A refuge place would be too expensive for me as I earn too much for benefits but yeah, not enough to actually live on on my own.

I struggle to even decide in my own mind if it’s abuse or not, you know…and why should it matter anyway because abuse or not I’m miserable and abuse or not I’m so defeated I can’t even be bothered to have an opinion when we are late yet again, or with anything frankly except to agree with him. He’s doing the whole ‘did I do something wrong’ acting like a scared little boy and I could genuinely scream in frustration at it all.

I feel so so bad for making HIM feel like that just by being quiet and not caring…. because I’m not affectionate anymore. I’m barely functioning.  Work. Home. No more kisses on the end of texts even. No matter why I feel like this it’s me that’s withdrawn all human kindness from him. Aaaargh.

[Cherries]

I don’t know what to say except I understand the fear. I was always too scared to go to the police.

Not because I was afraid of repercussions for him but because I was afraid of what he would do when they let him go.

Please be somewhere safe if you can, and do let us know how you are if possible x

[Cherries]

My family took his side. I ruined his life by leaving. Amazingly I still talk to them for some reason.

They never have had my back though.

All I can say is you’re not alive to make them happy. It’s you that all of this affects the most so do things when you are ready. It affects their life very little compared to the upheaval of yours. Focus on you, and getting yourself straight and strong x

[Cherries]

If you struggle, imagine the scenarios you’ve been through, but with  two other people.

How do you feel about it viewing it from that angle?

Doesn’t always work mind but it has helped me find clarity in the past.

Mums are not always helpful…I remember my own saying how can he rape you he’s your husband so….yeah.

I struggle with this too with my current.  He’s manipulative and relies on guilt and it’s much harder to quantify especially when there are BIG ‘nices’ in there too.

But relying on it the above technique I’ve managed to realise that some of it is downright unhealthy, and no he will never admit it….because he did that NICE thing how can he be so bad…now I’m just plain ungrateful.

It doesn’t all have to be good, or all have to be bad, or even labelled as abuse.. if you ask them not to and they continue and it’s a reasonable thing then at best there is zero respect for us which is no basis for a healthy relationship x

 

[Cherries]

Stay strong.

Realise that it’s his behaviour that has caused you to doubt every move you make in the first place, and to be free from it there will need to be some discomfort. It’s just the nature of the beast. We’re so used to them escalating to get their own way that any thought of defying them brings the fearful expectations with it…but that won’t change anytime soon, because he will continue to prove it right if you let him.

 

When I left my very abusive first husband years ago I slept with wedges under doors and a baseball bat by my side. He never came. He liked my fear I think and when I left him and he realised I meant it and was NOT going back he glommed onto the next. Took the wind out of his sails a bit.

Seems right now your ex still feels his behaviour is going to get him what he wants. If you truly want to be free of him every action must convey that you are done with him. No mixed messages. No appeasing. No trying to keep the peace, just a loud, firm ‘no’ in word and deed.

And it IS scary and you don’t know how they will react but to be free you will have to do it at some point either now, a few years down the line when more damage is done, or never and being abused by him is just your life…because they very rarely change, and they very rarely let you go because you ask nicely.

It’s all so confusing isn’t it?

I feel for you x

[Cherries]

I feel like, for so many of us, taking the time to find out who we are (and what we are good at) ourselves would be hugely beneficial. Not something that relies on outside validation…but our own validation.

If we can know who we are and our strengths and weaknesses, and own it all, then I feel we have a chance at not being rattled by outside forces so much.

A therapist asked me once, what do you like…and I couldn’t answer. I could only answer what I didn’t like. I spent so much of my life bending to keep everyone else happy that who I was was completely lost.

I’ve been with abusers my entire life, in one way or another, parents and partners both. I’m working towards leaving the last one now and it WILL be the last one. And as uncomfortable as I know it’s going to be I am fully intending to ‘date’ myself. I’m going to find out what I like and I’m going to do it, good at it or not.

F*ck some blokes approval.

Really when their sense of self relies on making someone else feel small how important is it that they think you are good at something or not?

I bet there’s loads you’re good at…even if you didn’t find it yet because you weren’t allowed to.

Remember if they have a need to be superior that automatically makes us Inferior. We don’t have to believe that though but we do have to look inside for the girl that went missing along the way x

[Cherries]

Yes, it’s wrong.

I understand the confusion. Violence is easier to call abuse. With this stuff you end up wondering if you’re over sensitive, the one in the wrong…etc

[Author]

Posts