Dignity

[Dignity]

This is my first ever post. Here goes …..
Behaviour –
He comes across as Mr Nice Guy to others and I’m sick of being told how lovely he is by other people. But he’s very good at showing his generosity and kinder traits in public.He has a problem with drink which has been a major bone of contention for years as he has a low tolerance for alcohol but can’t say no when he’s socialising. He drinks and drives frequently and has me in an anxiety state whenever he is out on his own socially as I’m pretty much expecting him not to make it home at some point. I can’t sleep in the same bed as him when he’s drunk as he seems unable to know if/when he’s going to be sick. I have escaped being vomited over in bed a few times and had to clear up after him god knows how many times. If I try to talk about the drinking being an issue he gets mad.
He does very little about the house or garden which are deteriorating around us at an embarrassing rate. It’s like he has no interest whatsoever in our home. I need help with cleaning etc because of health issues but either don’t get it or am promised it but then kept waiting for days for it to happen. If I remind him that he’s said he will do something, or ask if he’s done it then I’m nagging and made to feel c**p.
He talks to me as little as possible. Spends all day on his phone with headphones in or staring at the tv. There is nothing more lonely than spending 24 hrs a day within 4 ft of somebody but being almost totally ignored.
He’s mocked me for being disabled by my health issues and makes me feel inadequate. He’s shown very little care or
concern, at times, when I have been quite unwell but will give other people the impression he was “very worried” about me. He has called me stupid. He blows up for no reason and speaks to me in a way that has even shocked his own children. He can put me down in front of others.
He’s a pathological liar and is secretive. He’s used escort agencies, dodgy apps to do with sex/porn and has snuck off on a mini-break which he tried to pass of as a work trip. Since I found out about that my suspicions have been raised over several work nights out he’s been on that have involved staying overnight.

He is always accusing me of –
Not listening or forgetting he’s told me something. Rows can erupt over things I’ve absolutely no knowledge of but he swears blind he has told me.
He loves to jump down my throat and argue that I’m wrong about stuff. Quite a lot of the time he doesn’t listen to what I’ve said properly and his argument will be making the exact same point I did. It’s like he
Emotions- Zero affection offered. Might fleetingly hug if I instigate it but hasn’t been spontaneously affectionate towards me in years. I am numb and almost can’t cry.

Control – he doesn’t, to my knowledge, spy on me or restrict me from going out or any of those things but I’ve altered my behaviour because I just want a quiet life. I’ve learnt to bite my tongue quite a bit over things that are said and done because the atmosphere gets so horrible if I do try to have a say. The silent treatment can be soul destroying. I have left the house and stayed elsewhere for a couple of days before now because not being acknowledged just got too much.
On occasion When we’ve been away for a break I’ve been instructed not to wear anything whilst in the bedroom. I’ve also been expected to strip out of my normal clothes in the back of the car and change into “sexy” underwear whilst on the road.
There’s a technique he has of saying he’ll sort something out then stalling for so long over doing it, because he knows I’ll get frustrated and do it myself.

Money – I’ve not had restrictions or limits put on my spending ever but he can be reckless with spending. At times when we’ve had very little he’s continued to socialise as normal with money we just don’t have.

Physical. No hitting of any sort but can stand over me or get in my personal space when he’s angry.

Sex – We have always had incompatible sex drives. Throughout the entire relationship I’ve often given in when I haven’t felt like it, just to keep the peace and avoid having him in a strop for days. Then, several years ago he told me one morning he had done something to me sexually while I was asleep. He didn’t appear to equate that with abuse, seemed genuinely stunned at my suggestion that it was exactly that, and at the time seemed quite remorseful.But since then I suspect it has happened many, many more times but I don’t know how I can prove anything. I’m still working on how to do that. On the rare occasion he tries to instigate anything (when I’m awake) there’s no kissing or affection involved, he’ll just start trying to grope me. I don’t want to have sex with him at all but every now and then I go ahead with it because I feel I might be safe in my sleep for a while if I do. I still share a bed with him which may seem ridiculous but there are many nights I don’t sleep at all because I can no longer be sure I’m safe.

Timeline. Looking back there have always been some issues. In the early days he was very loving, affectionate and caring towards me and for many years was very kind and loving to my parents for which I will always be grateful. There was, though, incompatibility, sexually, between us from the start of the relationship. I always felt this need to comply as t quickly became apparent that if I turned down his advances life could be pretty unpleasant for a few days after. Once we had children he started to work longer and longer hours leaving me with little support at home but at the same time he was a hands on dad when he was at home so to the outside world it looked like we were fine. I could see his selfishness coming through. His life and interests became a priority. I once had to stay in hospital overnight when ,medically, I could have gone home just because he wouldn’t miss a meeting that evening and I couldn’t be discharged unless someone could look after me for 24 hours.
The drinking issue surfaced quite early on and just kept progressing.
I don’t remember when the lack of interest in our home started but it’s been a while now. I used to excuse some of his behaviour because of things that have happened in the past and also there have been a few significant bereavements along the way.
I also accepted a lot of things as normal but now know that so much of the behaviour I have been subjected to is unacceptable and unreasonable.
Right now I’m trapped because we are in a dire financial situation so even though I’d love to be able to go off and live on my own I just can’t afford to.
I’ve read Lundy Bancroft’s book and found it very enlightening.

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