Esme

[Esme]

Thank you for your reply.

I don’t feel strong at all, I feel weak and as if I am letting my child down. I have custody and he has no contact but I worry that can change and I can’t protect my child.

I feel a burden on those who love and are there for me. They have all rallied and spent a lot of time staying with me etc, I hate asking. Those who turned their backs aren’t important, but I fund it hard to deal with the fact that three of these people knew what was happening and told me to report him, only to turn around and treat me like a liar.

(detail removed by Moderator)

I’m trying to move but its hard with money etc. Because he isn’t here councils wont help me as ‘I’m not in enough danger’. He said he wanted to kill us though and I believe him. The police do too, even though he denies it all.

I feel useless. I have been doing okay but this last week I am struggling so much. I am scared all the time, I have loads of security in the house now and spend most nights watching camera feeds scared and watching for whoever is trying to get into the house. I’ve had to build a plan with my IDVA for what to do if he gets in.

Going out is worse, I am looking over my shoulder for him, his family and friends many of whom have publicly plotted against me online etc. I feel like I must be overreacting, a pain for my family and friends, a burden, but worst of all, I just want to keep my child safe and protected, for them to have a happy good life, but I’m not doing that living like this.

I don’t know how to deal with the violence and rapes. There are even things that I apparently can’t remember that certain ‘officials’ reported to the police, but I don’t remember telling them or the incidents. What more have I blocked out? I feel like a mess.

Sorry, I am just having one of those days.

[Esme]

Thank you everyone! Thank you for your kind words.

I can’t go into detail but the police are aware that he is doing things and have put measures in place to try to stop it and keep me safe.

Moving is the difficult option, I have been told by the councils (I don’t have a lot of money), that I am not a high enough risk for them to help. A refuge is one option but I have been told I would have to go and not be able to tell anyone where I am or be in contact with them whilst I am there. Meaning I would be completely isolated from my family and friends. That scares me. I’d have to get all of my stuff in to storage too.

Those who are there for me are brilliant and not one of them have said they can’t be there for me, I just feel like I am a burden, keep struggling or something happens and I feel like all the progress I have made disappears. I feel like people think that I should be past this now.

My aim is to get myself sorted and both of us somewhere safe, then I will be starting a campaign to make moving for Domestic Violence victims and Sexual Violence victims easier. It should not be the case that because you have reported the perpetrator to the police and they have arrested and charged them, placed on bail and given non molestation orders, that that means you are no longer in danger, There should be a way for people in this situation to get somewhere safe.

Again thank you all. I think it is wonderful that you are all here to help and support.

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