FallingAutumnLeaf

[FallingAutumnLeaf]

I know you’re probably tired of hearing from me, but today was even worse. (Detail removed by moderator) we spent some time away from each other. Meaning, we stayed in separate rooms. We didn’t speak at all, except when I tried to get him to eat. (Detail removed by moderator) I woke up late because I was depressed and went into the living room and he didn’t even acknowledge me. He acted as though he couldn’t care if I was around or not. I asked(detail removed by moderator) It hurt my feelings. I asked him if he wanted to be alone again today and he basically just exploded. Kept (detail removed by moderator) I don’t make him happy. He gets mad about how I’ve been feeling after all the abuse he’s caused. He keeps pointing out that he’s getting help and trying to get better, but apparently I’m not doing anything to help. Like, I’m making him worse and making him not be able to get better. Like, I’ve struggled to be intimate, but I’m also trying to be completely open about the hurt and what I need from him to fix it. He says I just run him down. He keeps telling me that I’m no longer wanted here, that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I’ve been trying to explain to him that we just need to get him help with his issues and help me recover from all the abuse. I told him that it takes time, (detail removed by moderator), but if we do it, everything will be better. All he says is (detail removed by moderator). He keeps acting like I’ve been the problem and that how I’ve handled the abuse is what got us to this point. Every time I point out something that hurts me or try to explain that his (detail removed by moderator) is causing problems and we need to fix it, he deflects and pushes everything on me. He called me lazy and controlling and said all I know how to do is complain. I just ask him to get help and to give me emotional stability and not be abusive anymore, yet somehow he makes me feel like a huge problem. We live with his parents right now and he said (detail removed by moderator) apparently they’ve been hearing us argue. I just feel completely out of control. I know that what he’s been doing to me is damaging and wrong, but when I try to explain it to him, he makes me feel like I’m causing all of it. Like, maybe I’m not trying hard enough to forgive him and I’m just running him down with talking about my feelings and maybe I am just unattractive physically and mentally and I need to fix myself. He’s consistently done this our whole relationship. He’ll be emotionally abuse, tell me he doesn’t want me anymore, and then once I leave, call me back crying saying that he loves me and doesn’t know why he’s like this and promises everything will be better. I asked him (detail removed by moderator)  why he’s always made these broken promises, if he was just going to break up with me  (detail removed by moderator) of trying. Like, I’ve begged him to get help for (detail removed by moderator), and now after (detail removed by moderator) of trying, it’s too much and it’s not going to work. (detail removed by moderator), I’ve believed every promise and have revolved my life around him. For (detail removed by moderator), I’ve depended on him. We have a dog together and I’m afraid he’ll keep me from her. He’s been making me feel like it’s my fault that this is happening. It all makes me scared to leave. Like, I have no where else to go, so much to lose, and it’s my fault if it all goes away. I know most people would probably hear this and wonder why it’s not easy for me to leave. He’s just made everything so hard and confusing. I asked him today if he still loves me and (detail removed by moderator). Maybe I’m just unlovable and I deserved everything he’s done and I should just get over it and let him work on his issues without my input. I don’t know.

[FallingAutumnLeaf]

Hey, I know it’s been a while since you responded to this, but it stayed relatively calm, with only a few hiccups, since I last posted. Today was a bad day, so I’m back and needing advice. It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) years of the same abuse and only (detail removed by Moderator) weeks of him going to therapy and still, I feel as though he might not take it seriously enough to change. I also think sometimes I just have a hard time not focusing on the past/recent abuse and refocusing on how he’s trying to get better. Today was one of those days that I was in my head with all of the pain from the abuse and I brought it to his attention and it didn’t turn out well. When I told him that I’m hurting and that I’m having trust issues and I’m scared that things aren’t going to get better, he was emotionless except for frustration. I’ll communicate things that I need from him to fix our situation, along with him going to therapy, and most of the time he says the same “I’m sorry. I’m trying.” And then the next day, those things are back to being neglected. So, I told him I feel like even me openly communicating what I need still isn’t helping him take it seriously and do what he needs to do to fix things. He then told me my complaining is annoying and that if I can’t be happy with what he’s doing now and except that he’s trying, then I should leave. I started to get so frustrated with the empty, repeated “sorry” and “I’m trying” while listening to him lash out and deflect, I began to then lash out. That’s usually how it is though. I tell him that he’s doing something abusive, he acts heartless towards it or he lashes out in some way, like belittling/insulting me or telling me it’s not real, then I lash out in frustration, and he turns it around on me like I’m the one causing all the problems. I’ll use terms like, emotional abuse or gaslighting, to help him understand what he’s doing and how I feel, and all he does is get angry and say my feminist mindset is the problem. Sometimes I think that I am abusive and that I’m the problem because I can’t seem to get past everything and i keep bringing it up and getting frustrated with him. He told me (detail removed by Moderator), after it all exploded, that he doesn’t want me here anymore and that I don’t make him happy or excite him. He tried to go pack my clothes and I tried to stop him and got scared and pushed him into (detail removed by Moderator) to get him away from my stuff and then he pushed me (detail removed by Moderator) and freaked out and said that we’re done. I feel like he definitely isn’t going to take what I’ve been saying seriously because pushing him is definitely abuse. Isn’t it? I’m really sorry for pushing him. I don’t know what came over me. I have some past trauma from before him and he’s gotten in my face, screaming, and I got scared and slapped him and I’ve always felt sorry for doing it but he’s always held it over my head whenever I say that he’s abusive. Like, saying stuff like, “I’m the one who’s been hit.” On one hand I know he has been abusive and that it’s okay for me to stand up for myself, but on another hand, I feel ashamed for how I’ve reacted and sometimes feel like I’m abusive as well. I don’t know. Maybe I am abusive. Maybe I am a problem and I just need to stay quiet and move on and let the therapy process work. I’m just so confused.

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