FightingTheDarkness

[FightingTheDarkness]

Thank you all for the kind words. I don’t quite know how these posts are helping anyone, but to know they are is a blessing.

For so long I have wondered and questioned my own actions. Things like, it’s all in your head, psy*ho, fr**k, demented, ret*rd, clown, brat, over sensitive, too emotional.. I actually thought for some time am I all of these at one point or another. He has a lovely side to him (standard quality right?!) But at the same time he has never stood up for me. And when i tell him it’s over he says o well. Then later he hugs me and tells me he loves me. I have stopped showing any affection towards him now but even that doesn’t make a difference. He completely blames me for the breakdown of our marriage, and tells me his mum is the kindest person he knows and she tells him to make his marriage work. Yet she complains all the time to him that he never spends time with her, although she must text 20 times a day and call at least 5 times a day. He says i am jealous, but ladies isn’t it about principles rather than jealousy? His brothers girlfriend calls him all hours of the night about problems they’re having and he comforts her and cares about her feelings, yet when i need my husband, he doesn’t know where to start being there for me. I brought this up and again…Jealousy. which wife out there would be happy that their husband can make time for a not-even-sister-in-law, but cannot give half that comfort to her as his wife? Am i jealous? Or am i right saying that is not acceptable? I come from a beautiful family, yes we’ve had our ups and downs but have always resolved conflict by communication, moved forward and have been so close. Yet my parents have never invited themselves over without asking if we are free. Once, his mum was knocking in the dark on my door while i was in the shower, i had to run out, put my gown on and open the door. She walked in and said ‘was i not expecting her’ to which i replied ‘i knew you were coming but i didn’t know when’. It was dark and cold so I told her to just let me know when she’s coming over next time so she’s not waiting outside in the cold or dark, and i can make sure I’m free to answer the door. She got a face on with me and i explained i wasn’t having a go at her, but just simply that it’s not nice for her to stand outside for however long if i didn’t hear her knocking or if i wasn’t home. Anyway, after an evening of looking at her sulky face, behind my back she told my husband i said to her to ask me for permission when to come to my house. My husband to this day argues with me saying what i said was wrong and she shouldn’t have to let me know when she’s going to come over. Again, please if i was wrong do tell me as i am loosing my mind thinking could i possibly be wrong? Am i the only one who feels their mother in law is a complete waste of oxygen???

[FightingTheDarkness]

I’m so glad you’ve got such a strong attitude and outlook. I think what devastates me is i may have lost my chance to be a mother. I adore children, but I’m wouldn’t have wanted to bring them into this world around my husband and his mum, they would have poisoned my children. That’s why i eventually want to meet someone, but not for quite a while yet. I think if it came down to the fact i couldn’t be a mother,, my life would loose all meaning. At the moment however, I want to concentrate on me. I’ve booked a few holidays, something to look forward to.

[FightingTheDarkness]

Thank you Confused123. Although i don’t actually feel brave. Even though i try to block out the words, they almost hurt my soul. That’s the best way i can describe it. How do we block these things out without letting them hurt? That’s what i seem to struggle with. It cuts deep. Sticks and stones, thats what he always says to me. But yet names do hurt, a lot. And the fact that he’s almost programmed me to not cry makes it so much harder as before, if i was upset I’d let it out through tears. Now i cant even do that without him being horrible.

Xxx

[FightingTheDarkness]

Thank you Suntree 😊 i have a huge log of events over the years, i lost a little faith in police as they said they can’t really do much unless he threatens my life i.e. threats to kill me. This knocked me back a little, and I’m also afraid of being called a liar as he has always called me that, and the last thing i want is the law to turn around and doubt me too.

I got in touch with my solicitor who is a friend, he is brutal! I’m hoping he can speed it along. If i try to get him out the house, he will either smash it up somehow, or target my car. I know all too well what he is capable of when he gets in a rage. That’s all his so called poor excuse of a mother has taught him…Anger, bitterness, revenge and rage. It hurts so much that fear controls me and i have to think twice before making a move.

Xxx

[FightingTheDarkness]

Dear Serenity,

Thank you for your post and taking so much time out to write so much. It’s amazing how strangers can sometimes help you more than those you thought were close to you. I was going to consider a NM order but I backed out in the end as i know what he’s capable of, and seeing as though i don’t have friends or family anywhere near me, for my own sanity i decided against it. He has no regard for the law and thinks he is above it. He was once arrested and managed to almost manipulate the police, saying he had recorded me being violent when in actual fact he didn’t record what he did before i reached the point of seeing red.

I’m so sorry you faced similar situations, it’s horrible for any decent woman to have to go through it all. If you don’t mind me asking, did you find love again? Did you find it difficult to connect with anyone again on an emotional level?

Thank you again for your advice and reassurance. I can’t begin to explain how much it means. I needed to cry, i have almost forgotten how to, or am just used to holding it in, but your words helped me release some pain and hurt x

[FightingTheDarkness]

Thank you for your post. It definitely is him too, he’s a puppet on strings. They both make me sick and so angry. We’ve already agreed that the house will be sold, as he wants it for him and his mum, but i won’t allow it as this was supposed to be our marital home and not his or his mother’s. Either way, he won’t see a penny of it due to the nature of the names on mortgage as my solicitor said. I just wonder if he’ll get one of his friends to do something, as he’s threatend to have my legs broken by someone, already has a plan in case police question him for an alibi. Police know this but because he didn’t threaten my life, they can’t do anything.

[FightingTheDarkness]

Hello lovey.

I read you or post and it made me feel so sad for you. Believe when I say you didn’t do anything wrong. They play a disgusting mind game with you that makes you feel like you’re the bad one who cannot do anything right, that you’re the reason they’re acting up, when really it’s them and their incomplete lives which they secretly hate.

A positive step you’ve taken is to block him on social media. This is a good way to not have a form of contact with him. I completely understand what you’re going through. I am at the start of a divorce after I put up with a ridiculous amount of bullying and mental and physical torture from my husband and mother in law. They make you feel ps**hotic just for having feelings and emotions. There is nothing wrong in wanting to lean on your significant other for a shoulder to cry on. Emotions are real, they’re not drama. You said it yourself, it isn’t how someone with decency would behave.

Sometimes we never get closure. But the best way to move on is to focus on yourself. Do your hair, nails, makeup, wear clothes that make you feel good and face the world and people. Be around family and friends, ones that love you and get back to feeling that you deserve love and support. More importantly, love yourself​, love being in your own company. Nights for me are bad, but I try my hardest to think of good things in my life, and try to look at the positive aspects of that day.

I also doubt you were happier with him. Yes you may have had happy moments, but there is no excuse for mental and physical abuse. You may miss the good times, and that’s perfectly normal. But also focus on what he put you through, accept why you need to move on, that you need to live life and not just survive it, why you don’t need closure from a poor excuse of a human being, and why you actually deserve to be loved without being made to feel this way by anyone else again. I hope you find something peace soon. And when you feel low, just post again on here!xx

[FightingTheDarkness]

I think that’s what I’m struggling with, just the whole mental debate and argument in my mind about why and how. I honestly believed i was being abusive towards him at the end, and feel absolutely rubbish as a person.

[FightingTheDarkness]

Dear Serenity,

I cannot thank you enough for taking time out to reply to my post. It is such a relief to hear this, and know I am not alone and that it isn’t me dramatising the situation. I am far from perfect and on the past I have said very mean things which i regret and feel guilty about, but at the same time i had my reasons. Hand on heart i can honestly say i have so much love in my life from my family, friends, even co-worker. I used to be an awful person in my teens, but a lot of self reflection made me into what i believed to be a good human being. But seeing how these animals have been toward me, especially the dragon in law, completely baffles me.

You sound like you have come out of it so much stronger. That is what i want. I used to be full of life, i had a temper but knew when to use it! But now i suffer from anxiety, when he starts questioning me and pointing the finger at me for my faults, i get such a dry mouth, i feel dizzy, get cramps, a headache, and my heart races so fast…I cannot explain how much this has affected me. And i don’t know why it has such a physical effect on me.

He most definitely uses motherhood as a put down. He knows that if i could be a mother for even a day then leave this life, i would. The thought of knowing i may have lost a chance to be a mother because of these fools absolutely breaks my heart and feel this may be what would ultimately destroy me. However, i do not want children with a man who cannot stand up to his mother when she is wrong. I do not want children around an evil person like her. (Detail removed by moderator). But he thought her wishes were perfectly normal and made me out to be the bad person and backed his mum up saying that she just meant it innocently. I know mother in laws can say things and not mean them in a bad way, but because i know what she is like, i knew what she meant.

They are those kind of people that cut corners, like you mentioned. She doesn’t want to work as she prefers to get benefits, but now she has to work. He doesn’t like paying for certain things and thinks of ways to dodge them. I can’t stand that level of dishonesty. The more arguements we have over his mum, the more i realise this is never going to change. The sad thing is he slowly began to change before she moved here, but now he is worse than ever when it comes to me and her. I feel for him as he is in the middle, but i have stood up to my parents when they have said things they shouldn’t have to him, so i don’t understand why he is a mouse when it comes to her? She’s destroyed her son’s life, made him her weapon, and i just don’t understand how a mother can do that to her child.

[FightingTheDarkness]

O bless you. I hope it all works out in the end for you. How do you manage to bite your tongue when he pushes your buttons? I’ve not told many people this, but i was abused by another ex years ago, and since then i promised myself that if it got to a stage where enough was enough, I’d stand up for myself. But i don’t quite know how to. Even staying quiet is so hard. I don’t know what comes over me but i just see red and want him to feel the pain and heartache he’s caused me for so many years.

Yes, she lives a minute walk away. Ok, maybe 3 and a half minutes! But even then, she will call him while he’s at work in the day, when he gets home, in the evening, he’ll also call her every day. On our honeymoon he made sure to WhatsApp her every morning. When we go away on holidays abroad, he ensures he calls her at least once a day else she gets angry at him and tells him he’s forgotten his mum. She will message him as well as call him, have conversations over texts as well as talking on the phone. I’m not jealous as i have a beautiful, well respected and functional family, but to me it’s about principles. If he wants to talk to her that much, it’s fine. But not when it affects our quality time. I tried to explain this to him but he said his mum can call or text him whatever time of day she likes. My parents respect our marriage and privacy and will hardly call late at night. My dad works abroad most of the year, and even then, if it’s passed 9pm our time, as much as he may just want to check if I’m ok, he won’t. I think it’s my principles and i stand up for right over wrong. I’ve always been that way. Maybe i should have rethought my views??? What do you think?

[FightingTheDarkness]

Thank you for your comforting words.

I have said to him I do not expect to be the ONLY priority, but at least A priority. You are so right in saying what you have stated, that whatever I do or say will never be good enough. I just feel so angry at myself for lashing out at him, hence I was having a mental argument with myself thinking I am now just as bad as him.

How did you manage to break free? Was it from a marriage if you don’t mind me asking?

[FightingTheDarkness]

I have almost already been to the point of insanity with this situation! It is reassuring that I am not alone in feeling this way, although I am so sorry there are so many good women out there who have to endure this treatment.
His mum did exactly the same, when he picked me up by the collars and tried to throw me out the house (MY house!) I had to report this to the police and he was arrested. When she found out she came knocking on my door calling me a two faced b**ch, how dare I call the police on her son, that I am pathetic. This is when I told her to get the F off my property, that she was a disgrace of a mother, and she was the reason her boy had turned out this way. I have never stopped my husband seeing his family and I never would. However, even though she is no longer allowed in my house until she can learn to speak to me like I have a heart, I told my husband he can see his birth-woman whenever he wants, considering she lives a minute walk away I don’t think that’s difficult to do. The fact that she is not allowed in ‘her boys’ house, and cannot snuggle up to him and kiss his cheek every 5 minutes in front of me in my house is what makes her give him the guilt trip, which in turn turns him against me.

I have so many times asked him not to belittle my family as they have helped us so much, and although he has had arguments with my parents, for my sake, my parents put it behind them and treat him as a human being.But even then, he tells me that if I call his mum anything or say anything against her, he’ll take it one step further and talk bad about my parents. Nothing directs him back to the initial issue we argue about. I have told him to live with his mum for a few days to give me space, but he tells me to go to my parents. My parents live quite a bit further than his mum, so would not make any sense for me to do this.
I have told him this marriage is over, but after a week or so, he tries to think of ways to make it work…but then I know he will revert back to his old ways. It’s such a difficult situation, but I know I do want to break free. The hardest thing is knowing I am not solely wanting to break free from him, but mainly because of his dragon of a ‘mother’.

[FightingTheDarkness]

Thank you for this my love. You have helped me understand my behaviour more than I think I could have alone, and although I do feel guilty for reacting this way, I also keep telling myself that it is justified even if it isn’t quite humane. I feel so bad for bad mouthing him, like this, but it has gotten to the point where I don’t tell my friends or family anything is detail as I don’t want to be a burden, and I also don’t want anyone to think I am being dramatic.

You are completely accurate in saying that they know how to push our buttons to get us to react. When I do react, he calls me crazy and says I need mental help. My body aches to the point I get cramps and back spasms. I also do feel like such a drama queen, he has drilled it into my head that I run to people and go crying to them, and that I’m a baby for doing so. I have not cried in front of him when he has his rants for quite a while now, maybe over a year as when I used to get upset and cry, he used to call me a cry baby and laugh at me. I cry when I am alone, be in driving, in the bathroom, or at lying awake at night while he snores next to me.
I am going to try this notebook method, I think it’s quite genius! However, I did try this for a week, and when I told him I about it, he said I was being dramatic and I would only write things down from my perspective. I just want the anxiety and heartache to stop. Hopefully this will help.

And I cannot thank you and every other member for replying and noticing this post. It makes a change to feel comfortable being able to vent my frustrations and not fully feel like I am being a cry baby!

[FightingTheDarkness]

Thank you for your support. I will most definitely look at those articles.

You are so right in saying they know when to turn on the charm. Although now i don’t show any affection, i cant even tell him I love him when he says it to me. I can’t bring myself to even be intimate with him when he want to. That is no marriage. He is so awful to me but when i give him the silent treatment back, he says he can’t not speak to me. But yet he will decide when to switch on his silent treatment. His mother is so evil, i can honestly say i have never in my life been treated this way, or been accused of lying to this extent, or had constant blame thrown my way. I used to be so happy and bubbly, but these soul sucking grim reapers have literally sucked the life out of me. I want to be who i used to be. Why do people do this to others? I just don’t understand. So as well as his abuse(?), am i right in saying his mum is a bully? Obviously there are two sides to every story, and I’m not perfect (I’ve written a reply where i admit to my behaviour on a previous response) and just like my husband says i have hurt him and ruined my chance of happiness by not being good to his mum, but i truly feel i don’t deserve this level of torment.

[FightingTheDarkness]

Thank you! Although it has probably caused more problems between me and my husband. On the other hand, i did say when she can treat me like a human being she can come round, i have no problem with that. But even then, that’s not good enough. I’m in the wrong for denying her access to the house according to him, and she should be able to come over whenever she likes as ‘its her son’s house’ too. But i still can’t shift from my proposal. So am i denying him time with his mum and causing a wedge between them?

[FightingTheDarkness]

Sorry I don’t quite know how to reply to individual posts yet!

[FightingTheDarkness]

Thank you for your reply 🙂

The thing is, i have also thrown water over him – after listening to him completely belittle my parents. I have slapped him for calling my mum a wh*re. I have punched him while he grabbed my collars and lifted me clear off the floor. I have pushed him away from me while he was getting in my face. Isn’t that all abuse from my side too? I now call him names when he calls me names. I’ve completely stopped to his level.

If i go to my parents for help, he tells me I’m getting them involved and they’re interfering, so now i keep everything from them. I don’t know who to turn to anymore.

[FightingTheDarkness]

Oh, i think I’ve figured it out!

[Author]

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