gemgirl

[gemgirl]

Hey HFH, thanks very much for replying to my post. I’m so sorry to hear what you went through in your relationship, and glad that you’re out of that situation now. The whole dynamic of gaslighting is so awful and can completely erode how you feel about yourself! I’m glad that your friends were looking out for you 🙂 Mine have also helped me a lot to manage with this whole situation. I don’t really have regular therapy at the moment cause I was using a private therapist which costs a lot but I might see if I can get counselling via a charity or something cause I’d love to be able to talk through the feelings with a trusted professional on a regular basis.

[gemgirl]

Hello, I haven’t read all of these replies but I’m glad that you’re on this forum and are reaching out to get an external perspective. I think it can feel difficult to know whether to apply the “abusive” label to an intimate partner – I certainly still find this a weird one even after being out of the relationship, even though friends of mine described my ex-partner’s behaviour as such – because it’s a big word and feels very dark, when obviously you see that person’s “good side” too.

I agree with those who’ve pointed out specifically abusive behaviours here, but I think that perhaps more important than arriving at the correct label is actually looking at how he is making you feel and whether it is likely to change. It sounds like there is not space within the relationship for compromise or for you to express yourself and be heard. I also wonder whether your partner is manipulating his knowledge of the fact that you have some mental health diagnoses to make you feel more “crazy” and that your comments about him or the relationship aren’t valid.

I know how frustrating it can be when the tables are flipped around, when subtly emotionally manipulative behaviour makes you feel so trapped and upset that you get angry and then your anger is held against you (only he is allowed to be angry, I guess?). You mention feeling suicidal after you have these interactions with your partner and I think this is a glaring sign that something is seriously not right in the relationship.

What do you have to gain by staying in the relationship? Intimacy, company, sex, and the comfort of having a partner? What is the cost at which you are currently receiving these “benefits”? Is it feeling unsafe, unheard, frustrated and ultimately suicidal because the anger that you’re not allowed to express at him gets turned inwards? As you consider whether it’s worth paying this price, and whether leaving the relationship would be possible or the right thing for you, I suggest that you continue to seek external perspectives from people in your life who have your best interests at heart and aren’t him, whether this is your therapist, friends, family, or this forum.

Sending you some warmth and light, we are here for you.

[gemgirl]

Hello,

Thanks for commenting on this. I’m glad that you found my post motivating, and I’m sorry that you went through abuse that has resulted in your being here. My relationship was quite short, which has perhaps diminished my sense of wasted time, but I think it’s hard to let go without there being justice or some kind of resolution.

Do you do any creative activities? I am a writer and find that this can be helpful, you can write about some of the feelings inside you or can focus on other things – nature, beauty, life, anything! – that are a distraction. Good for getting in touch with your inner self and getting a reminder of how resourceful you are.

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