HeatherFlower

[HeatherFlower]

Dear driedflowers, I can completely empathise with what you are going through.
The way you felt before the first date and suffering triggers from the past are something I have also experience and was very resonating.

If it’s okay with you, I would like to tell you about a positive experience that I had, which can maybe bring you some comfort.

The first and last guy I saw post-abusive ex was a very kind and nice person (which I didn’t even think was possible). However, due to external circumstances, we were at a crosspoint in whether to continue the relationship casually or end it. I knew what I wanted: someone with who I can build my trust again and take it step by step, or nothing. For the first time in pretty much ever, I took the step to speak my mind and cut it off clean.

I was obviously sad at first, but the confidence that came from putting my needs first was incredible. My self-love increased in every aspect from this one act. I took control of my life again and it actually made me feel good. Attaching myself too quickly is something I also deal with, but taking this step helped put things into perspective.

Learning to listen to my gut feeling is one of the most important things I’ve done during my recovery: if something is not right or not what you want, even if it hurts, following your own intuition is the best advice I can give. I try to think: “it will never hurt as much as what I’ve already been through”. Trusting yourself is something that takes time, you can start with little things (choosing a piece of clothing over another, choosing something to do, choosing to join a new place, etc.), and then gain confidence in your opinion again.

Also, don’t feel pushed to do anything you’re still not ready for. Just because there was a pandemic doesn’t mean everything that happened in your life before doesn’t still affect you.

I’m sorry your ex moved to your area, I can understand how upsetting and frustrating it must be. I know it’s complicated but all I can recommend is to try and not be too hard on yourself if you feel like you’re taking steps back because really, you’re always moving forward.

Wishing you the best xx

[HeatherFlower]

Dear Zlea, thank you so much for your kind words. I understand the feeling of shame towards oneself, but would never think of it about someone else. I would hope that shame is an emotion you never feel towards a situation like that.

I can’t stop thinking about the sentence “It was as if my body just said help me now” you wrote. It is truly so impactful and something I haven’t been able to put into words before. It does really feel like that sometimes.

Sitting with you too and wishing you the best.

[HeatherFlower]

Hi Hunky Dory, thank you for your kind reply. It helps to know I’m not the only one who has gone through something like that, sometimes I feel like I’m going insane trying to figure out if I’m even in the right to feel this way.
I actually had one of those double waking dreams recently, and it was a pretty horrible experience.

I agree with seeing red flags everywhere. I’m not really interested in finding someone new either, I still feel like I won’t be able to love again.

I find that writing has been a good way of self-care and therapeutic for me. The best advice I last got is: “if it’s hard to talk about, it’s important”, so I try and process it by writing it down and re-claiming how I feel and what I think.

Wishing you the best xx

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