High Society

[High Society]

Hi Everyone,

I just want to say how much reading your stories and supportive messages to one another has already given me so much strength.
Reading everything, has made me wonder if I have been in an abusive relationship, as somebody suggested to me for the first time last week.

I feel so weird saying that, as everyone thinks of me as the strong and in control one, and if anything would view my husband as the one who is ‘under the thumb’.
But he’s not the same behind closed doors as he presents in front of friends, family and colleagues, and for a long time I was actually so relieved when he did act differently, as I could a) convince myself that he was not that bad and we were fine and b) people would like him and not think there was something wrong. I already feel crazy for thinking that. When I decided to tell my parents that I was very unhappy and felt trapped in a loveless marriage – I knew I could never go back, but being honest reading your stories
– made me feel stronger and I knew I could not just go back and put my head in the sand. I hope that does not sound disrespectful to anybody, as that is the last thing I want to be as I think you all sound like the most strongest, amazing women.

The subject of this thread really resonated with me, as for years I have been told that I am ‘nagging’, ‘controlling’, ‘crazy’, ‘mental’, ‘sick’ and recently much worse. At work, bad behaviour would not bother me and I am the first to stand up for myself and others, but at home it feels different, because it’s as if I need to feel guilty for having any power. I am the bread-winner, I pay for 95% of everything, and my husband refused to even have a joint account, as he said I will control him, but now in reality it means that he does what he wants with his money and I am grateful to get a monthly contribution. If he does not transfer any money when he gets paid, and I dare to ask him, I get told that I am obsessed with money and I need to grow up and our problems are all because of money – and more laughable I get reminded continually of a time when he lent me some money years ago to pay a (removed by moderator), even though I must have paid him back like 50 times over and more.
For years he has gone out and done what he wants when he wants. At first, it was not so bad, as I was too used to be independent, had a busy career and a great social life. Even then though, he would not come home until midday the next day – often in a terrible state, be verbally nasty and on one occasion kicked me when I tried to stop him from (removed by moderator). We split up when he did that but we got back together again when he was deeply remorseful – but if I think back, I think I partly felt sorry for him, as he was a mess.

Since then he has never physically hurt me, but continued to go out and stay out all night. He did it after we got married, throughout my pregnancy, and since our baby was born a few years ago. When I was heavily pregnanat, I was away for a couple of nights with family. When I rang, I could hear somebody else in the bckground but he said he was home alone. When I came back the next day, I found comdom (removed by moderator) in bin. When I confronted him, he said he had planted them to ‘test my trust in him’ and clearly I did not trust him so I was crazy. I was pregnanat and scared so I stupidily belived him and he apologised for ‘going too far’.

Last year he even left for a whole weekend, despite as having a very young child and me calling constantly. He has also gone out until mid-morning the day of an important job interview I had – which he knew about and knew how important it was. He arrived back as I had minutes to spare and had to leave him in charge of our child whilst he was clearly stinking of booze and hungover, which I hated myself for. I went away after that for a few days and stayed with a friend, but went back as I thought we could still work.
I’m sorry this is so long, but basically over time, all my trust and sense of being in a partnership has dissolved. He is no longer sorry, he now refuses to tell me where he is going or give me a time he will be back, as I will control him. I am sick of continually waiting up for him and worrying he will back in time to do pick up or look after our child. Recently I was ill and he did not believe me so ignored me. This was a wake up call, and I finally got the guts to tell him I was very unhappy and wanted to leave. I was calm and said I wanted to keep things amicable, and we were both our child’s parents and I would always respect and value that. He simply responds that he will not go and if he does he will take our child and make sure I get nothing and make life unbearable for me. He recently started telling me he collected evidence of me including that I am an alcoholic (I am not :-)). I am also (removed by moderator), and the whole world knows how independent and fully capable I am, but he says if I leave he will not trust me to look after our son, even though that is clearly ridiculous as he is quite happy to let me carry out professional job, do most the child care, clearning and manage the house and finances when he is around or has disappeared.
So I know this is crazy, but I still worry that an ignorant judge might think I was not capable because of my disability.

Once again I’m so sorry this is so long, but its my first time and feel like I need to put it down to convince myself I’m not mad. He has done so much more, but I don’t want to send you ladies asleep,
I need him to get out, and I am lucky enough to be able to afford everything by myself with my child, but he will not get out, but just treats the place like a very cheap hotel and comes and goes as he pleases and mostly ignores me, whilst I have moved out of our bedroom and sleep in the spare room.

I’m trying to get advice on how I can get him to leave, so all of your stories and amazing advice has been and I am sure will continue to be amazing.
Thank you, and I’m sorry if I sound like a dramatic idiot!
You are all incredible.

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