iamstrongerthanyesterday

[iamstrongerthanyesterday]

Hello! It’s official. My divorce is finalized. I DID IT! It doesn’t feel real but I did it!

I just got off of the zoom call with the judge.

What a bittersweet feeling. I’m crying because I’m feeling heartbroken, scared but also relieved in a sense.

I just sent him a quick text and sent him a long email. I know I shouldn’t have but I have to for myself. For my closure.

Thank you for your support here. I’m so thankful for you and I’m sending you my love and the biggest hug!

[iamstrongerthanyesterday]

Hello! Just checking in and hoping for a response.

I’m really confused and struggling.

[iamstrongerthanyesterday]

Hi all – Just checking in because I’m struggling today.

Was feeling stronger but today I’m really missing him. I keep thinking about the good and have to remind myself of
the bad but it’s still tearing me apart.

I haven’t unblocked him and he hasn’t stopped by at all. Maybe that’s why. Because the reality is setting in.

Like I truly expected him to stop by again or email or figure out a way to call.

So it’s just hitting me. That this is real. It’s killing me.

I’m so sad and I feel weak. Like I just want to give in and be done and just try over again.

It’s a blessing I guess that he hasn’t,But my thoughts are that if he’s truly narcissistic and abusive he wouldn’t stop trying. 

So I’m questioning if the issue is as bad as it seems.

Cause he just stopped stopping by and hasn’t tried to email or call from someone else’s phone.

So did I make a mistake? Does this make sense?

[iamstrongerthanyesterday]

Thank you lovelies. I’m trying. Today is so hard with it being the holiday weekend. I haven’t really left other than to go shopping.

I feel so isolated. I am isolated. I could go and hang out with my daughter but I have no drive to get up. Just sitting here online, napping, etc.

Normally the holiday weekends were fun and I had “family” because of our blended family at the time. Now, it’s gone and while he’s with his daughters and his family guess who’s alone? Me.
Not that I have to be but I’m so torn by all of this I’m in a bad spot.

So I just think it’s so unfair and it hurts.

[iamstrongerthanyesterday]

Well..he just stopped by. Knocked on my door and I walked in the room and closed it. He left but I’m so triggered now and crying.

I wish he wouldn’t have. I feel so terrible knowing he’s knocking at my door and ignoring it.

In my mind when he does this it makes me think he still loves me and is trying. I know that’s not the truth.

But even though I’m angry and done, why did that just set me off?

I do feel like I need to let him know we’re done. Cause even though I’ve filed for divorce before it didn’t stick and we still were together.
so, I did just call him and say (detail removed by Moderator).

Look at me saying I’m so strong a minute ago and now here I am feeling sad again.

i hate this so much. He is blocked again.

It’s like I have to be done, but I’m also waiting to hear the words that I’ve been wanting to hear for so long even though I know they’re probably not true. I’m so damn sad now.

[iamstrongerthanyesterday]

My heart goes out to you and I’m in the same boat. Kudos to you for staying NC and getting awway.

I’m just starting NC (detail removed by Moderator) and I don’t know where to begin either. I have no friends, social network, etc. Going on (detail removed by Moderator) and it’s so scary.

Hoping to hear some good ideas along with you.

Stay strong! You’re a warrior!

[iamstrongerthanyesterday]

Thank you so much for the responses.

Him and I still have spent time. I went no contact once, (detail removed by Moderator) ago and we got together recently. I unblocked him and spent one night and day and then we spoke for a few days.

I then blocked him again after he responded to a text of mine in a way I didn’t want him to. I know that’s wrong of me but also an excuse to me (at least) to block him again.

But because I spent time with him and then all of a sudden blocked him out of nowhere when he was going through a rough time with his friend passing away, I feel bad about that.

And because I wasn’t perfect. I know that I emotionally abused him in a controlling way from a codependent side of things. I also when I moved out (detail removed by Moderator) before he threw me into (detail removed by Moderator) outside threw a glass of (detail removed by Moderator) in his face. I feel terrible about that but I may have hit my breaking point with all of the excuse. I’m not excusing it and I did apologize and till this day feel terrible.

So it makes me feel bad for cutting him off cause I’m not and haven’t been perfect.

I know the divorce papers were mailed to him and he has until (detail removed by Moderator) to contest it but I know he won’t be contesting it. It’s a simple divorce. We don’t anything together and I only want my maiden last name back. I want nothing else from him.

So I know he got the papers and he already knows I filed (again). But I did tell him I wasn’t dismissing it again that I’m moving forward with it.

Because we had so many good years together and he became my only best friend, I feel like I at least owe some sort of an explanation. Don’t I? Or do I just go no contact, move on and he should know why he can’t reach me?

Sorry, this is so strange. Knowing I shouldn’t be with him but feeling bad for how I’m treating him. I think it’s cause all of the most major PA incidents were prior to when I moved out (mostly in our early years for about (detail removed by Moderator) years). That those things happened in the past and I moved on with him. So isn’t ghosting now sort of wrong?

Or am I doing the right thing?

Or do I tell him one more time? Or should he know? I just have a big heart and feel very wrong.

P.S. With me blocking him, I know he’ll be stopping by and knocking on my door. Do I just ignore? Or do I let him know to not come over, etc.? That we’re done?

Even though he has divorce papers. Again, he might not take me seriously cause this is my (detail removed by Moderator) (but final) time filing.

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