Jinx

[Jinx]

Thank you again, it’s so difficult to make sense of these, especially when I am so full of self doubt.
My brothers and myself did not grow up in an abusive environment, the worst thing our parents did to us was to never tell us they loved us, but we did know that they did from their actions.
I just feel surrounded by sexual abuse, from being raped by various different people between the age of 11 and 13, my other brother has served time for date rape and he did try this with me when I was in my 20’s.the father of my children repeatedly raped me for the 20 years we were together, this is what I mean about me being the common denominator, different people, different situations, but always me , surely I must take responsibility for that.
Regarding emdr, I would strongly advise time out when doing it . I lost my job due to problems with my daughter at the same time I started the treatment, a godsend really because there are days when I am incapable of working.
It is time for me to deal with everything, try to unscramble my brain after my ex left it in such a mess, time to face up to the childhood abuse for my own sake and my children’s.
They suffer because of my ptsd, it isn’t good for their mental health. I have had eating disorders for almost 30 years which I need to fix.
Kind of losing my support now though, I can’t tell my children even though we tell each other everything, but how can I let them know that my first positive sexual experience has only been over the past year? How can I tell them that they are products of rape? They would know it makes no difference to me, but there is a stigma attached. I always talk to my niece about these things but how can I tell her this about her dad? And obviously I can’t go to him with it, to be honest I doubt he would even remember it!
I don’t want to tell my boyfriend about these things because im embarrassed and don’t want him to feel the disgust that I feel for myself, knowing these things.
So I think I just lost my support.

[Jinx]

Woah, well I thought I was confused before!
I struggle to interpret these memories with any logic and really need someone to explain to me what I. Did wrong.
I need to understand if the situation was acceptable, if I did anything wrong, if my brother and his friend did anything wrong, if my friend did wrong.
It was a a complicated friendship in that we did everything together but I was afraid of her .
She had beaten me up badly before because I spoke to a boy she liked. She had threatened to do it again if I didn’t let her boyfriends friend have sex with me. And she had told me she wanted to be with my brother and it would be good if I paired up with his friend.
Can anyone just tell me if any of those was wrong . When I replace the people with my own children and their friends , I can see everything so clearly and I know I would never allow anything like that to happen and my children would agree with me.
However, when I look back on what actually happened this clarity evades me .

[Jinx]

Thanks guys, not really what I wanted to hear! I held my brother on a pedestal for a long time, how am I supposed to feel about him now!
There is no escaping the fact that I am the common denominator.
Peaceful pig, the emdr is definitely helping me but it is very difficult, bringing on so many flashbacks, I am usually a wreck for a couple of days after a session, but it is worth it
It is better to get it out that to carry on stagnating inside me.
Xxx

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