Just wanted to matter

[Just wanted to matter]

Hi Beauty Marked,

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I looked back and thought, how did I even let it get to what it was? Why was I blinded and allowed him to do these things over and OK and think it would be OK and that he would stop?

Why did he continue to lie and make out verbally I mattered then do the exact opposite with his actions.

In our last heated argument, again when I had caught him doing something. I said how would you feel if this was happening to your sister, would you be happy? he was very quiet, and replied No.

so he’s text me today, a polite hey how are you. and a (detail removed by moderator) Stupidly I replied because I want him to know I am OK, and I am not wallowing in sadness and hurt (even though in reality at times I am). He has since replied, but I am not continuing the conversation.
I am sure he has messaged just to put his mind at rest, that I am not going round shouting what an arsehole he is. That he still kinda has me on side. That even with everything he’s done I can be civil with him. SO that makes him feel like a better human, that he can’t have been that bad if she’s still replying to me.

I have probably played into his hands a bit by replying. But also it gave me a sense of strength to know he messaged me and now I am not continuing the conversation. Hopefully that will make him realise that, no, we are not OK, we are not friends. I didn’t thinks “yes, he is thinking of me lets keep this conversation going so I can get him back!”

Maybe it was legitimate, but I highly doubt that.

I will never know for sure, and that’s what I need to accept.

When I saw his name pop up, I started shaking. Doesn’t that say it all.

 

 

[Just wanted to matter]

Thanks you always sorry.

I know deep down that he will never change. I know he did similar to his ex, but he fed me stories as to why events unfolded the way they did. That at the time I believed.
But now I have gone through this, I can see sadly she was just dealing with the same guy I was.

I think the problem is am trying to comprehend how someone can do that. How they can hurt and lie so easily. As I know I could never do that. But reality is I will never understand. His brain and emotions are wired differently. He sees no wrong in his actions, almost as if he thrives off of seeing someone break.

I have good days and bad. I want to ask him a million questions, but I know that’s pointless and he will lie or just give me the sob story that he doesn’t know and his head isn’t right.

He will be with someone else soon, that I am sure of. He needs to feel wanted.someone who hasn’t seen this side of him and idolizes him. Until he breaks her.
The fact I know that kind of makes it’s easier to digest. Also that he will be someone else problem. But also hurts as it proves all those months I begged him to make me feel like I mattered, it proves I never did.
Hence why I feel like I was going crazy.

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