Lqobs

[Lqobs]

As someone who was the ‘golden child’ in my family dynamic I wanted to share that I view all children of N parent/s are abused. It may look different but it’s abuse.
i also empathise because my sister was the scape goat and I sadly did deny for a while as a young kid, teen and early adulthood her view about not being loved like I was. I didn’t do this because I feared losing the “good” treatment as trust me when I say I never ever felt I got “good treatment”. In fact I didn’t notice it because I was in my own hell and torment barely surviving. I also, felt a huge sense of guilt and shame at the thought that I was being treated “better” in some way. Because of the dynamic and the way the abuse works the golden child is almost groomed to believe in the N/abusive parents reality. All that matters to an N parent is supply and which ever child in that moment will give them what they want. Which is to go along with everything the N parent says.
In my Case I had some years without a sibling which meant I was already exposed by the time a sibling lived with us. I also was more vulnerable to demands for reasons I can’t state as may identify.
I wish I had stood up to my N parent more, for myself and for my sibling. But I also forgive myself because I was a child who grew up in abuse too, and was groomed to not have my own reality, sense of self or have autonomy over myself. In effect I was a mini me of N parent. Hoping to be loved. But never “achieving” this.
I think the boundary you’ve put in with them is a great thing to do. Hard I bet?
hopefully it will help you feel you’re taking your power back.
me and my sibling to this day have troubles but we both have boundaries in places. Because whilst I feel I let her down with her treatment from N parent, she harbours some resentment for me at how I was treated. Things have been better for us since we were able to speak more openly, as for many years she resented me due to thinking I had a “good” “great” and “loving” childhood as the “golden child”.
it’s another sad tactic of an N parent to divide siblings so they are easier to control. Often putting them against each other in subtle ways.

[Lqobs]

Hi Aquagirl,

 

I’m afraid I don’t have any remedies or answers for you. Only the share that I, too, experience this. It’s so so painful. I know, like you, I can rationalise to a point but the guilt is overwhelming. For me the relationship is with my dad (after two romantic abusive relationships and noticing/realising he was the first). My dad has never laid a finger on me and that eats away at me that my belief and experience of abuse is too “dramatic” or “all in my head” because it can’t be seen.
but I’ve got to this point due to years and years of trauma. I’m (detail removed by Moderator), and still don’t feel I’m living life on my terms even though I’m physically seperate.

I think guilt seems to be part of the play book. The playing on the victims emotions and evoking sympathy and guilt. I know my dad has people around him who regularly feel bad for him. And this weighs on my mind as I ever want to make anyone feel but I deserve to be free, happy and healthy.

Xo

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