Hi, I’ve just joined and felt compelled to reply as I’ve often asked myself this same question but there are some articles online about mutual abuse being a myth and I found reading those really helpful. I can relate to what you’re saying, I started to feel really anxious around my ex and was changing my behaviour when doing really innocent things like hiding my online status on a messaging app to avoid being accused of talking to other men. Shutting someone out because they are being awful is about putting a boundary in place to protect yourself. Shouting back in sheer frustration is completely understandable. You can’t reason with unreasonable and irrational behaviour so sometimes shouting back is all you have. I have kept notes of examples of when my ex’s behaviour went far beyond the realm of reasonable to remind myself of what he is capable of. I’ve only recently shared some of the more extreme things that he has done to me and I know why I hid them from friends, because I knew what they would say. It’s hard to see abuse for what it is and to admit that you’ve ‘allowed’ it to happen. It’s also really confusing when you’ve been gaslighted and you have feelings for that person because there are moments where they can be nice or reasonable. I think if you looked at those points again and imagined a friend confiding in you that their partner was doing these things to them then you’d see it for what it is.
