orchidlover

[orchidlover]

Thank you, these look good!

Another question, is it possible that he genuinely has no idea that what he is doing is abuse? He seemed really upset that I even suggested it was mean and said he didn’t mean to be mean to me

[orchidlover]

I also wanted to add, that I am still feeling a bit shocked by the realisation that he’s potentially abusing me, I’ve always made excuses for his behaviour and I’ve realised that his parents also have done for a long long time, his mum likes to blame drink or drugs for the issue but I think that there is some sort of underlying problem and even if there turns out not to be that Drink isn’t a valid excuse for being mean to anyone.
His mum phoned when I was upset this last time and we talked about what had happened and her answer to this is to arrange this years family holiday with him to give him something to focus on, but this feels to me like I’m saying ‘hey you’ve been really mean to me very recently but lets plan something together for the future’ when in all honesty I now think that unless we can work through this that there may not be a future for us

[orchidlover]

Thank you for your responses. With my mental health sadly I was ill before he started being mean to me, as I said it started this time after my dad’s suicide but I think looking back that I have suffered with depression most of my life. For some reason something changed and where he was once super supportive and loving he now uses things against me, like kicking someone when they’re down.
I don’t know if he knows he’s being mean, if it is planned or not, I know he has always had a bad temper, he did when I met him but he NEVER directed his anger at me, this has happened gradually over a period of years and where I used to be able to talk him down from being angry at someone else I am not able to do this when his anger is directed at me.
He says that he knows he has had a bad temper in the past but that he has learned to control it, but I think that in him trying to control his temper he is actually just bottling his anger up which leads to an ultimate explosion at some point. I genuinely believe if he could find a way of dealing with his anger issues then he could be nicer to me all of the time. But it’s trying to get him to accept that he has an anger issue and get help for it that I have really struggled with.

[orchidlover]

He says that I refuse to accept responsibility for any of the problems in our relationship, so I wonder if this is part of the problem. I’m sure that there are mean things that I have said to him that have made him mad or cross at me. For example (detail removed by moderator) when I brought the subject up again to try and see if we can resole it I said ‘please don’t get mad’ and he told me that saying things like this makes him mad and it tells him how I think he’s going to react so he does react this way.

My doctor today was very helpful, he told me that it sounded like he was being very mean and gave me some websites to look at and has suggested getting counselling, asked me to go back in a couple of weeks to review how I’m feeling, see if we need to look at my medication and possibly change it to help me cope through this period.

[orchidlover]

Thank you for taking so much time to respond. I am going to keep trying to talk to him as I would really like to sort this out and be happy together. I’m sure that something has happened to him in the past but I’m not sure of what, I genuinely don’t believe that his parents ignoring the behaviour has helped though or that this method of them helping now is a good one. I feel it is just reinforcing his bad behaviour (I know this might be me being mean about him and them so I will stand corrected if I am wrong)

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