Purple Rose

[Purple Rose]

Hi,

The point you are making about appearing on company websites is a very important one and one I hope at some point to see women’s organisations making a lot of noise about because whilst companies automatically expect people to appear on their websites it forces people who have very genuine reasons for wanting to hide their identity to have to reveal things that other people shouldn’t need to know about them. This includes people escaping domestic violence but also, for example, includes people who have been in witness protection schemes having been brave enough to be honest about crimes they have seen.

I have been lucky in terms of managing to keep my name and photo off company websites. I begin by saying no and if pressed, and the manager is reasonable (most people are), I tell them I have an ex that I don’t want to find me. Most people are understanding of this and don’t press the point too much.

I think that it is urgent that the message about why people don’t want their profile put on websites is spread far and wide so that it isn’t assumed people will automatically allow this. My partner in my new life (who is male) always tells companies that he doesn’t want his profile on their website so that he can stand in solidarity with those who are currently trying to fight this situation. I also talk about the problem a lot with other women (and men) who not having been through domestic abuse will probably never have thought about why this aspect to the modern working world is highly discriminatory against women who have done nothing wrong.

As others have written you can change your name making it harder for someone to find you. The problem is facial recognition technology worries me. If your photo is on there, will men in the future be able to search for you via your image. Perhaps someone reading this post could let me know if this is something I shouldn’t worry about as until this fear of mine is completely dispelled, I won’t even allow a photo of myself to appear online.

[Purple Rose]

Hi,

(Details removed by moderator) ago I got out of what had become a psychologically abusive relationship. It had taken me years to get out of because of my fear of the loneliness I knew I’d experience afterwards. None of my female friends was there for me and the absolute darkness of that period, with no one to provide a friendly conversation every now and then or tell me it will all be alright is something I remember well. At times I physically couldn’t stand up which I now consider to have been to do with the utter despair I had about whether there really was any future for me.

One night I lay down on the carpet and cried, and cried, and cried for what must have been hours. I thought ending my life was the only thing left for me to do because no one wanted me unless I went back to that relationship that had already caused me so much damage. But after what must have been hours of utter, utter pain I felt the tiniest of sparks within me telling me that in ten years time this wouldn’t matter. It was as if my future self came to me at my moment of despair and told me that it would all be alright.

Nothing changed immediately. I spent hours every day in bed just feeling like there was nothing to live for. But a few weeks later I started to realise what I would like to do with my life now that I had started the process to becoming free. I moved to the place I had always wanted to live in my life and whilst the loneliness continued, I at least had changed my environment, and could start to build something new for myself. Everyday in that new life as I started to make friends I used to go off for an hour or so each day into my bedroom with the curtains closed and let myself feel that pain that continued to surround me, allowing myself to cry. It isn’t natural that the pain goes away immediately and I wanted to feel it everyday because through actually coming to terms with the pain by facing it head on I learnt, over time, to let it go.

(Detail removed by moderator) years on I still feel anger about my situation from back then, particularly about why my female friends didn’t support me. But the pain I feel now is no longer something I direct inwards but has been transformed into a commitment to changing the world around me. I listen to my friends when they’ve got problems and use my own knowledge of pain to be a better friend. I also do whatever I can to try to change the society around us so that women like I was back then don’t have to be so alone.

I am so sorry to read about your pain at this moment. Please hang in there.

[Purple Rose]

Thanks for your thoughts Fizzylem. What you’re writing is really concerning. With everyone taking photos all the time now it is impossible to control whether or not my image makes it onto the Internet as complete strangers who have captured me in the street could unwittingly put my photo on their social media site. Whilst that particular photo might not be linked to my name, if the technology develops, I still worry I could be found through future technologies that scan for images.

Do you, or anyone else for that matter, have any thoughts how women like us could have a voice in the way technology is developing? There is debate at the moment on facial recognition technology. It would be nice to get our voices heard because we know so much more than the techies in Silicon Valley why this technology could potentially be so dangerous to women. I for one want to be able to keep walking with my face uncovered in the street without having to worry that my identity could be revealed just by some technology on someone’s mobile phone.

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