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It is difficult to say – maybe just exhaustion and sharing of thoughts. Not all thoughts when someone is exhasperated end up materialising. However, there is clearly some sort of issue there with parental authority and helplessness, and it will be good to talk through it more. I would say, try to continue the comversation without judgment to see what might stand in the back of this.

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The way I left with the kids was sudden for my husband, but to be very honest I had a lot of time to think and prepare since my first (number removed by Moderator) attempts to leave were not successful. I did prepare the ground a little bit with telling stories to the kids, especially the youngest, about having two homes, living apart and so on. There are some good picture books out there – Two Homes Filled With Love is one I used to read with her. There are some others. Have a look in Waterstones or on Amazon.

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Hey Sunflower!

My three were through my separation and current divorce. With the youngest, I was trying to be simple and straightforward in explaining that mum and dad will live apart but still love her very much. With the teens the explaining was im a way easier – they are switched on.

I found that school is a great positive anchor for all ages. I would say, visit the school together, talk to the teachers if you can as well. Make stable routines and really explain what will not change – bedtime, brekfast, school runs, outing with mum/dad.

In my view, an unstable household and unhappy or insecure mother is worse for them than actually the separation. Always emphasise your love for your children. I left our home, but found that a home is more than a house. A home is where you feel loved, where you create a cosy space for yourself feeling secure. Me and the kids feel much better now though we live in a smaller home – we have a kitchen living space with the couch and TV and have TV dinners together and we have two rooms upstairs. The two elder share a room – we built it together and they feel they made their own space so that counts.

Wishing you courage and stay strong and secure in your love for your child.

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Honestly, this does not sound good. It sounds like a controlling relationship in which, because you have anxiety and issues of your own, you are not left to be who you genuinely are. It seems like he is not letting you be your real self but a version of who he wants you to be.

That thing where he will not tell you where you are staying is a massive red flag! You are entitled to the right to know where you are going and to judge whether this is safe for your children as well. Feels like he is not telling you in order to avoid to consider your opinion.

Money and other topics of disagreement seem like they are just a pretext and in fact, he sounds like he is trying to control you. Can you be your real self with him? Or do you have to hide your opinions and thoughts from him out of fear of escalation? That is downright emotional abuse and psychological control.

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I’ve been rereading what you wrote and I noticed a few things… first of all, “his perfect family” and also “we” (as if you two, the two of you) will need to work through this is very comfortably manioulating you into thinking this is onky your fault because he does not seem to have the emltional maturity to admit that his behaviour is at the origin of this. So all this is very performative as if that perfect family is there for others to experience but under the surface it is you who suffers through it all.
I think yoi can ask yourself some questions that will help, I think. At least, this is what I did…
Are you unhappy without him? Do you miss him? What is this driven by? Is it because you feel genuinely loved and his absence makes you less of who you are, or are you actually more yourself and more free? Who are you on your own?
I notice in my kids that they are naturally happy and cheerful, and they adapt and overcome, and I need to be perfectly honest with myself, that I took my decision for my sake because, after all, if I cannot be myself, how will I be the best I can be for my children? It is very difficult to come to terms with the idea that something we hoped to build with someone will come to an end, but it is also important to understand that we are not alone in our relationships.
The fact he accuses you of having an affair is very telling – anything but him! Of course, he is not responsible, it mudt be someone else, something else… typical manioulator. Mine accused me of that as well all at the same time stating tjat I am too fat for anyone to actually like me! Imagine…

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Hi Sunflower! I think your child having a happy and fulfilled mother is more important. Right now, it is looking like you are suffering and that will imprint on your child, whether you think it does or not.

I have three kids with my husband I am now in the process of divorcing. The way he treated me (and still does when he sees me) is not acceptable – belittling, insting, berating, and humiliating. I will not allow my children to witness this throughout their life. If anything, they deserve to have the example of what normal human relationships of love and looking out for one another mean.

The first time he found out that I was wanting to divorce him, he begged me on his knees. The same man who threw insults to my face and had fits of rage over trifles, and brought me to tears. This is a manipulative cycle and it will not change. I have seen it and lived it twice at my end. I finally left without warning him because he spins back into a his usual behaviour after a time.

Children will overcome and understand. They need to know their parents still love them of course and things like seeing the parents and having them over at one another’s houses can be always organised. But your life matters too!

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Hi lovely,
I am new on this forum but I recognise myself in your post. I have been married now for a while and initially things were good, or so I thought. Little by little he was getting unhappy with me. Started with little things to be honest once it was how I put away the dishes. Another time it was what I cooked, started complaining I don’t cook well enough. Started giving me dumb ideas to do this or that this or that way and he’d get annoyed at me. I said to him if you are not happy well I am also not happy with your habits but I try to accommodate. I clean and take care of the house.
Later on he started getting worse with me to the point where nothing I would do would be good enough. I gained some weight with the kids, you know how it is. He would make disparaging comments to our relatives about my belly. What flipped for me was when we were invited (timeframe removed by Moderator) to his (relatives removed by Moderator) house he made nasty comments about how much I will eat this time and that I don’t really need to put more food in my mouth. The thing is though with the last child I developed (health detail removed by Moderator) issues and was really struggling with the weight. Was on a diet, was exercising and doing my best really but he had that outburst in front of (relatives removed by Moderator) and really brough tears to my eyes. He said (communication removed by Moderator). (relatives removed by Moderator) said nothing as well. So i decided to have a talk with him (timeframe removed by Moderator). Instead of calm conversation and consideration I got a shouting match. It was horrible.
Anyway rewind forward a bit, and we are redoing (specific detail removed by Moderator) So he has to have the final say in everything. We went to (shop removed by Moderator) to get paint and stuff amd obviously he had to argue with me in the middle of the shop. It was so humiliating and he was getting so agressive and worked up that the staff had to intervene!
That is what did it for me. I filed for divorce but to be honest I made a huge mistake there because when he found out it was another shouting match and he was begging me to stay one moment and saying he will take away the kids another. He said to me (communication removed by Moderator) and I obviously stayed because the kids. He said I don’t care if if I have another man on the side and said (communication removed by Moderator) Why would I cheat on him? Like he said (communication removed by Moderator). I was so exhausted at this point that I had a depressive episode where I really didn’t have any wish for anything.
Rewind a bit, I got a new job (detail removed by Moderator). He was not okay with this – we (him) had agreed that I will stay home to look after them but I wanted to have something for myself even just a little bit. Anyway it was another absolutely awful period where we both shouted and wouldn’t speak. It’s once I got my job though that I started picking myself up and planning an escape…
Advice I have for you with a child is you have to get out. You absolutely have to get out – think back because it is not ONE event that made you think about divorce. It was a sequence of many, many events. He likely shouted at you before as well and maybe not in front of his son but in front of relatives or even to yourself only or maybe in front of friends. Maybe he shouted at you on the phone. Saying cause mine did all the time, sometimes in front of the lads he works with he would call and berate me on the phone and I knew they would overhear. If you look back you will remember many more and you will see there is a pattern because for controlling and manipulative men like this there always is a pattern! And you said your husband has an ex and a teenager. I would want to know what went wrong there. Because I am sure that the same behaviour was happening there as well, maybe different circumstances but for sure there was something. My husband looked charming and loving when we were dating. Once we got married it started with the criticism and the shouting. And after the children he left me no space for being myself!
Advice I have is TELL HIM NOTHING until you are ready to go. Prepare everything. Have a home in place. Make sure you have all your child’s documents in a folder, prepare a bag, and move out when he is away. Let him come back to an empty house and divorce papers. I did it like this because he talked me around once and made me stay with threats the second time and there was no way for this for me it was either I will die unhappy and suffering or I dont know. I started saving up an emergency fund – I opened my own bank account and put some money there to keep us going, for a deposit and so on, and then rented a house for me and the kids. He would go visit his mum and dad (timeframe removed by Moderator) every year and I took off at that point. He threatened me several times with coming to take the kids away, but you should know you have rights as the principal carer for your child as you say you take care of him all the time.
Build evidence of everything he does. Just assume he is capable of the worst. Even if he is not, for the sake of your child and for your own sake as well, you should plan ahead.
Take care, lovely, but please think on it and whatever decision you take, just one thing from me is you deserve better – you don’t deserve to be shouted at in front of anyone nor even to be shouted at in your own home. Just think if you knew he was going to be like this with you would you have married him in the first place. You should protect yourself.

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