Thank you everyone for your replies. I feel very confused. I had to contact him in the end (detail removed by moderator), I felt like he was the only person who could take the pain away. I’ve done some terrible things in this relationship. I’ve not behaved like a very nice person. Am I toxic too? I’ve always wondered if I suffer from a personality disorder. My relationships have always been unstable and my emotions are so intense, I can’t cope with them. I struggle with break ups, I always have, only this one is so much harder than anything ive ever been through before. I talk to my friends and they all want me to leave him and sometimes I do and I feel strong but that never lasts and I get so desperate for him and he’s always there for me in a heartbeat. (detail removed by moderator) he just held me and I felt so much better. The thing I’m struggling with so much is that he’s not violent, he’s not been controlling since he did the perpetrator course, he is verbally abusive during arguments but so am I so is that really abuse? It’s definitely toxic but could it be me too? If I get help, could it get better? I’m so very confused with it all. I’ve got him on one side and everyone else on the other and my heart is in love with him and my head is a mess.
