Sunbeam

[Sunbeam]

So the last week ish he is being the nice version of himself which was making me doubt myself again just when I had it clear in my head that his behaviour was erring on abusive. Which was making deciding what to do harder. Then (detail removed by moderator) we’re sat relaxing after dinner & he just grabbed my crotch area out of no where. It almost seems like a tick, he doesn’t think anything of it. Meanwhile I feel violated but also silly for feeling like that at the same time 🙁

[Sunbeam]

Hi Twisted Sister,

Thank you for your reply and for putting it so black and white for me. The replies are definitely helping me see it for what it is. I don’t feel brave or strong enough to act on anything just yet, and I’m not sure how/when I will be ready to do something but at least I know I am not wrong for feeling his behaviour isn’t right and I’m not being unreasonable or crazy.

Am I right to think that even if we sit down and talk about all this and he actually listens this time, he won’t change long term? Do you think all the things I have mentioned here mean the best option is to leave? (big question I know..but I just don’t know).

[Sunbeam]

Hi scaredycat,

Thanks so much for your reply I really appreciate it. It is making me really doubt myself. to the point where I feel like I can’t make decisions without checking with him to avoid being told I’m wrong/have done the wrong thing. And that’s not like me I used to be very decisive. I do sometimes give in to sex for that reason to avoid conflict although this hasn’t happened more than a few times.
Thank you for the advice re going away for a few days that’s a good idea to get some space and clarity. We have just moved house so I don’t think that will be possible in the very near future but I have just made plans to see an old friend on Saturday so that is something for now.

Thank you again

[Sunbeam]

Hi Hockeycokey,

It is very hard to accept. The nicer times keep me thinking it can’t be that bad & maybe everything is ok. Literally just felt like that this morning after a horrible incident last night, then this morning my partner was all sunshines and roses, even gave me a gift, making me feel like I’d almost imagined the whole thing.

And I know what you mean re grabbing, it’s taken me until now (after years) to really register that that invasion of my personal space & body is not ok. My partner has also made it out to be just affectionate in the past when I’ve questioned him. There’s nothing affectionate about it.

These comments from others with their experiences are helping me so much to realise I am not overreacting being unreasonable or crazy.

Thank you so much for replying to my post x

[Sunbeam]

Hi Twisted Sister,

Thank you for your reply and for putting it so black and white for me. The replies are definitely helping me see it for what it is. I don’t feel brave or strong enough to act on anything just yet, and I’m not sure how/when I will be ready to do something but at least I know I am not wrong for feeling his behaviour isn’t right and I’m not being unreasonable or crazy.

Am I right to think that even if we sit down and talk about all this and he actually listens this time, he won’t change long term? Do you think all the things I have mentioned here mean the best option is to leave? (big question I know..but I just don’t know).

[Sunbeam]

Hi KIP,

Yes I have noticed I do change some of my behaviours to suit him..mostly small things but still changes. I have had a look at that part of the website thanks for pointing me in that direction. I still feel quite confused as what to do because it still doesn’t seem ‘bad enough’ and he can be lovely. So glad of your replies and advice, thank you

[Sunbeam]

Hi Stay Strong, you’re right I suppose it can be like the boiling frog.. when you’re in it you don’t realise how high level it is getting. Thanks for your reply

[Sunbeam]

Hi Camel,

Thank you I have a little. It’s helped to know I’m not wrong for feeling that these behaviours of his are wrong.

I know what you mean about it feeling more irritating than abusive, that’s how I felt about it at first but the longer it’s gone on the more it has bothered me & I feel the need to be on guard all the time incase he grabs me. Thank you too for saying that about your body is the one thing you have ultimate rights over.. you’re right & I need to remember that.

I just don’t really know what to do as he can also be a lovely caring person. Still feeling quite confused but these comments have definitely helped in making me realise I’m not being crazy/over reacting.

[Sunbeam]

Hi Kip thanks so much for your reply. You’re right, I wouldn’t treat anyone the way he treats me. It also really hit home how you said ‘sexual abuse’ in reference to how he grabs me/doesn’t respect my physical boundaries. I had never considered that that’s what it is. He has been doing that for a long time, I can’t remember at what point in the relationship exactly it started.

It isn’t depression/anxiety it’s a physical rather than mental health issue which (I won’t mention as it’s quite specific & I’ve been advised by the moderator to not include identifying info just incase) but I definitely have experienced feelings of anxiety at times.
I think the thing that makes me doubt it’s abuse is that it’s not like he is completely controlling or abusive in a way that is super obvious to me within the relationship. I googled gaslighting/abuse cycling as you suggested, I have heard the term before & some of the subtler/ low level things did rang a bell

[Sunbeam]

Hi Camel,

Thanks so much for your latest reply it really helped me especially the bit about needing to feel no sense of shame or failure for walking away.

At the moment he is being the nice version of himself which is causing me to doubt myself again just when I had it clear in my head that his behaviour was erring on abusive. I know this won’t last but it does make making a decision on what to do harder right now

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