SYSurvivor

[SYSurvivor]

Thank you to everyone that replied to me on this, you’ve all been so kind and non-judgemental.

It’s given me some answers and some homework to do and I’m looking forward to making changes that will help me improve.

One thing I did after receiving all your responses was write down everything my ex ever did to me that could potentially trigger me. I then rated the impact that those actions had on me out of ten (ten being the worse) and then noted down whether each might trigger me when sober and when drunk. That massively helped me realise a few things. Writing them all down and then thinking about how much hurt they caused brought a lot of clarity to my situation. I then showed the list to my new partner and talked him through each step and it brought him a lot more clarity too. I made it clear that I wasn’t trying to blame him for my triggers but more wanted to show him that I was far more aware now of what those triggers are.

We had a weekend away last weekend and we both drank and I’m pleased to say I was completely aware, completely in control and was able to take a step back when something was said or happened that might have had even a hint of a trigger. I went into the evening, thanks to you guys, totally prepared for being aware of my actions and it felt amazing to wake up the next day not full of guilt and self-hatred. I know it’s only one time but it meant so much and I never want to forget that feeling. I was really nervous going into it knowing what had happened recently but I feel like I’m finally starting to take what has happened to me, and what I’ve done to him seriously, and accept it.

My new partner works away a lot and we’re in a long distance relationship so I’m not going to see him much this first quarter of the year (probably less than 5 times between now and May) so I feel like there’s no time like the present to really face up to all of this. I’m going to try and seek counselling. Thank you all for your advice. You’ve really helped me and my partner 💖💖

[SYSurvivor]

Wow. Thank you everyone. I’m so glad I reached out. I can appreciate this one was probably quite a difficult one to respond to so thank you so much for not judging and for being so kind. In your own ways, you’re all right.

KIP – Interesting to hear about the 2 year recommendation. I didn’t know about that and to be honest hadn’t really accepted it was real abuse until I told my new partner. Daft isn’t it really. Had I known that, I might have worked on myself a bit longer but then again, meeting my new partner is what’s pushed me to accept I was going through abuse and read into it a little bit more. Thank you so much for your suggestions and for your descriptions of the cycle. Helps to explore what’s going on in my head. I haven’t considered couple’s counselling but I have considered counselling for myself.

diymum@1 – Thank you so much for your honesty. I think reading what you have to say has given me a few next steps. I need to recognise when I might be doing these defence things but not only that I do need to watch my volumes of alcohol around my boyfriend. I drink at the same rate as him and it’s silly. If drinking is causing my inner demons to raise their ugly head then I need to try and combat that and control my drinking until I rebuild that trust in myself.

Tiffany – What you said makes so much sense. Thank you for breaking it down into examples. My friend always talks to me about managing my triggers as well. It’s funny – I have been able to now break down my three scenarios of abuse and find where I was triggered. For example – you know I spat in his face? That night we had been play-fighting/tickling on the floor (after a few drinks) and he completely overpowered me (in a playful way). It was after he overpowered me that I got angry and stormed off, which led to an argument, which lead to me spitting. I was probably triggered because of the overpowering in the play-fight which reminded of my ex. So Tiffany, you hit the nail on the head for me. Thank you so so much.

In general, does anyone else suffer with stubbornness of accepting that either a) abuse happened or b) you can’t deal with it? I feel weak if I succumb to the pain and emotion or admit that I’m upset or triggered because of my past. I want to fix myself but I think talking to you guys has made me realise I can’t do that alone.

Has anyone had counselling? I wouldn’t even know where to start. How do you get it and how have people found the counselling itself?

[SYSurvivor]

P.S be as brutally honest as you like with me. No one can tell me something negative about my actions that I haven’t already told myself.

I just wanted to reach out to see if anyone else had experienced something similar.

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