yellowsunflower

[yellowsunflower]

Also, I feel like I wanted to say that I don’t think he’s intentionally done or is doing any of this with the goal of hurting me. I don’t know, I think he just doesn’t see a problem with it, I’m confused

[yellowsunflower]

I feel like I’m so confused at the moment. With every day that goes by something else seems to come to the surface for me, like I’m slowly finally peeling my eyes open.
I’m noticing more and more. I realised how much he has never listened to me, how he never ever puts himself in my shoes and it’s always about making him feel better and making him feel comfortable. It feels like my feelings don’t count and that he has not respected me and my body. Everything we do is to his schedule and recently I’ve started noticing and trying to stand my ground and ask if we can do something I want to do, or if I can do something my way, and he says I am being mean and I end up feeling so guilty. I can’t get my head around it all and feeling quite overwhelmed. I think I want to leave the relationship but I’m worried and feel sick. Even feeling this way, when I’m with him I feel like I’m still craving his affection and I’m constantly worried about how he’s feeling and yearning for him to listen to me. But then at the same time I am having panic attacks about going to bed because I don’t want him to initiate sex because I feel like I don’t have a scenario in which I can really say no. It’s either be ignored & made to feel really guilty, like a terrible person, and he shuts me out if I do, or just go along with it anyway, or say no and not be listened to and him persistenting and persisting. Even though I am more aware of what is going on now and I know that I have been feeling like this for years, I can’t seem to reconcile this in my head with the person I thought he was and that everyone else seems to think he is. It makes me feel so sick.

I am also having some flashbacks about my parents relationship when I was younger. My parents had a really messy divorce and don’t speak at all and I was angry at my dad for a long time but didn’t quite understand the situation, I was 17. From what has been coming up from me lately, I think my dad was abusive towards my mum.

Just needed to vent. I’ve been writing some thoughts down in a diary too.

The good thing is that I reached out to a close friend last night and went through some stuff with her and she told me it doesn’t have to be this way and that I deserve to be happy and that she will support me. It feels good to have told someone.

[yellowsunflower]

Hi Iwantmeback.

Thanks so much for your kind message. If I am honest I am really worried about how to move forwards now and feel sick about the whole thing. I also don’t know how I didn’t realise all of this sooner. It still feels wrong to me to think of him in a negative way and like I am being foolish for thinking these things because everyone tells me he is so great. I’ll keep posting on here and talking to you guys about it. I am glad to have found this space. I came here after listening to a podcast on it where I identified with a lot of the things they were talking about.

Thanks for the book suggestion, I’ll take a look at that.

I completely don’t feel like myself anymore and like I don’t know who I am without him, and that scares me.

I get what you’ve said about the dinner thing – I had a similar thing last night when I’d cooked a really nice meal, cleaned, done his washing, but I hadn’t done XYZ right…

I hope that one day you will be able to go back to your class, if you really enjoy it. I’ve started trying to go to yoga instead of the gym and finding that helpful to get some head space. But my partner gets annoyed at me when I say I don’t want to go to the gym with him and want to do that instead.

You are 100% right when you say you should be proud of your body and love it and you shouldn’t be made to feel any other way!

Sending love <3
yellowsunflower

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