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I’ve been away from my ex husband for a while now. We are divorcing. It’s a bit like a nightmare really. One of my children is saying that his dad has hit them and he’s frightened them. It’s being investigated by Cafcass. It’s awful, a complete nightmare situation. I think I’m in shock about everything. I can’t quite believe what’s happening. I feel like I’m jumping head long into the dark and falling.
During our marriage, my ex was not always abusive. We had some very happy prolonged periods. I loved him so much. We relocated a number of times for him. But even though I’m out and I’m still processing all that’s going on, I’m trying to be there for my children and put protective measures in place for them, and I’m horrified by what’s going on, I’m mourning the happy, kind, loving person I remember him being.
He’s recently denied any abusive behaviour and specific incidents to Cafcass (detail removed by Moderator). But they actually happened. I’m not lying. It’s awful. His parents are so hostile to me. It’s horrendous.
It makes to doubt my own mind. I’m questioning myself constantly. Am I right in thinking his actions were abusive? My counsellor has said they are, my friends and family who know, agree. I’ve been told he’s controlling and coercive. But even with all of this, I still doubt myself. I still remember that kind, caring version of who he was, when I was happy, and is haunting me, before the smashing, breaking, threats and frightening behaviour and the yelling.
It’s such an awful situation. I feel like I’m going into a great b****y battle to fight him. I’m so frightened by it all and the effects on our children; and what my children are saying and that my eldest replays and acts out abusive situations he’s experienced with his dad; feeling that the school are not believing. It’s awful.
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Don’t doubt yourself. All abusers start out acting lovely it’s to hook you in. Acting is the operative word here. Some people will believe you but some won’t that is my experience the school wasn’t great when I went through this either. What IS really important is the people who matter who love you believe in you. To get through this you need to change your mind set This isn’t you xx I’d say your being gas lighted
(detail removed by Moderator) it. Am be done and also his relatives will always take his side xx keep a diary of everything read when dad hurts mom it’s like why does he do that but specifically for custody x I hope this helps abit
Lastly I wanted to say you will get through this
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Thank you. It’s all so confusing. I’ve been out for a while but I’m still quite enmeshed, especially due to what my children have said has happened while in his care. It’s so hard to get any respite. I just want it to go away and be done with, but next hearing not for several months.
I still constantly doubt whether he was abusive. He’s sent me messages saying he wasn’t and that he loved me and we did so much together.
But, he went to kick me several times when I sat on the floor; he’d really yell at me at times; twice neighbours came over and a third and forth said they were worried; he’s pushed on onto a bed when pregnant, clenched his fist and put it into my stomach; he’s smashed things and kicked things over; he initiated things with other women when I was pregnant and then cheated when one of our children was (detail removed by moderator); we weren’t allowed (detail removed by moderator) when we moved to a new house.
When I read what I’ve written I am numb. If someone else had written it, I’d say that he’s abusive. I just can’t say it about my situation. I’ve got so many happy memories of us together, they are haunting me. But then on the other hand, friends have said they hated the way he spoke to me and treated me and that’s why they never came out with us.
Anyway, thank you so much. X
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Write down the bad times, keep journals of what’s going on now. I also struggled / am struggling to accept it was abuse but I go back to my list. One day I just sat and listed all the bad things, I’m glad I did as my head blocks a lot of it. Little steps. I have older , adult children who fully support me so I’m lucky but still have a major battle ahead with finances.
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I think the trauma of the abuse continues whenever they have the opportunity to be abusive, sadly. So it’s no surprise that you’re feeling the doubt and confusion that it brings. I remember your username and that you’ve posted on here before so I looked up your previous posts. If you want some reassurance that he was abusive, read this one. The abuse you describe was truly horrible. I remember feeling upset when I read the post.
It took me some time to realise that while most of us long for the “kind version” of them, it doesn’t actually exist. It was all an act to suck you into their control, and/or it was never genuine love and kindness. It always came with the controlling/abusive expectations, you just didn’t know it at the beginning. I read recently a psychologist saying that being controlling is incompatible with love. He didn’t become controlling/abusive during the relationship (he always was a controlling/abusive person) he just just didn’t let you see that side until he knew he had you where he wanted you. It’s ok to feel sad about it and do the grieving that you need to do, but try to remember that you’re grieving for something that never was and never will be. xxxx
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