Feel like I'm crazy

[Anonymous]

I feel like I’m this horrible dramatic person and went totally mad in my relationship over nothing. I wrote this list of things my ex boyfriend did but they are so petty and insignificant. Like I’m grasping at straws trying to play the victim or something.

Here’s the thread I made listing some of his behaviour which I’m still not sure is even abusive and was probably just in reaction to me. I mentioned on there a bit about how he became an element in trauma for me and also before he broke up with me he said he doesn’t want to be with someone who is traumatised by something so trivial. Well I’ve been thinking about the traumatic thing which was awhile ago now but had a big effect on me and I’ve come to realise through talking to someone about some things that basically we were living in this horrible shared flat where any one could move in and there was this horrible creepy man who lived there who used to shout at people randomly and was creepy. And one night we overheard him having sex with this (detail removed by Moderator) year old girl really loudly and it creeped out and shocked both me and my boyfriend that she did that. But anyway I was actually traumatised by it and what I just recently realised is that although that while place and experience was horrible it was likely a trigger from an incident of being sexually abused when I was a child which I thought didn’t bother but I likely suppressed my emotions about that and then it could triggered in that horrible flat more recently as an adult. When I heard that horrible man having sex in that flat I think it suddenly triggered all that trauma from when I was a child and I felt like I had been sexually abused then because I suppressed my feelings from the actual abuse as a child. So I experienced trauma and symptoms similar to PTSD (I don’t know if I actually had PTSD) ever since being in that flat and it got made worse by my boyfriend not helping me move out, not movin out himself even though he wanted to, talking about more things to do with the man when I kept asking him not to and not taking me seriously or showing he cared but kept making it worse. I had kept thinking that my boyfriend had none nothing wrong but then going back to at least subconsciously distrusting him and having anxiety around him. I still don’t know if he really did anything wrong by that or not or if it was all me.

He broke up with me because of my behaviour of anxiety around him which caused me to not treat him well. I wonder if he would see things differently now if I told him what my trauma was really caused by then maybe he’d believe me that I was really traumatised and not just being melodramatic, controlling and difficult about it? Or is my behaviour still not excusable and he still didn’t do anything wrong? Or is he really an abuser and doesn’t care either way or would think even worse of me if he knew I’d been sexually abused as a child (even it wasn’t that bad and only one time btw)? I genuinely do not know at all which one is true.

At the time I lost trust for him because I was thinking of how I’d act if it was him saying he was traumatised and needed to move out and I would do everything I could to help and make him my priority. But everyone is different and it isn’t right of me to try song make expectations and control others based on what I would do or to save our relationship how I want it to just save me. He is an individual and I don’t think he really did anything with any of it.

Covert emotional abuse? Little examples. Feeling petty.

[Healthyarchive]

yesterday I wrote in another post that a big part of my ex’s tactic was getting into my mind to seek out my vulnerabilities. He would do this by way of ‘friendly chats’ on the sofa but his aim was to find out my deepest fears and insecurities (yes, it sick and evil). At the time I thought we were having a friendly chat to share our lives. I think i have some issues around being left or abandoned and these things are very scary to me. My lovely ex then proceeded throughout our time together to subtly or not so subtly finish with me during our relationship, he did it 5 or 6 times. Each time I was mortified and begged, pleaded, even one time I was on my knees begging him not to leave me. He on the other time was calm, and displayed a real deep sense of inner satisfaction at that point. The mere thought of it now makes me feel sick.
Every time he broke up with me he blamed me for something, eh was at fault with nothing in his eyes, in reality he was a liar, withheld info, bullied, took my money I could go on and on. Please do read 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships its available on Amazon. X*X

[Author]

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