I left but need help

[Eyesopening]

Hi
I finally did it, I left, but I still need help,
Its been (detail removed by moderator) now, we lived in the middle of nowhere, so everytime I went to see my family I though, this time I am not coming back. But never could quite do it. I still doubt myself!
Its nearly (detail removed by moderator) we have been together, about (detail removed by moderator) ago i started to suspect abuse.
This is my original post, https://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/forums/topic/advice-please-emotional-abuse-a-different-perspective-needed/#post-123703

Youtube, books, and this forum have helped me become more aware.
But sometimes it feels like i am living in a alternate reality somehow.

Writing a diary is so important I wish i started sooner. Even 2 years now i have been writing, i look back and cannot believe that the same things where happening then!

So when I left this time, i was on automatic pilot, i was living the lie to him, it was extremely hard and i still get knots in my stomach for the lies. I posted things back to my parents house, secretly. I told him i would be back in (detail removed by moderator). But the morning after i left i blocked him on everything and sent him the email. I couldnt send it without being a bit open, I said i probably wont be coming back and lets see in a month.

(detail removed by moderator) later i was in pain and unblocked him, i asked him if he has read my email and he said no.
He read it and was in shock, next day he txt me to say its over, he can never forgive how i left.
(detail removed by moderator) later he messages me a mean message to say how (detail removed by moderator) told him never to take me back, I called him, I was desperate, I asked him to forgive me, that i wanted us to fix things. But he wouldn’t listen to my side, he was very drunk and just blew into me and told me i was a chicken, i was a hypocrite etc. I hurt but i felt i deserved it.

(detail removed by moderator) he asks to talk, he is calmer, he says our best friends are (detail removed by moderator) today, we improved each other so much since we met, i think its a sign we shouldn’t throw it away. He said we have (detail removed by moderator) chance of getting back together.

I had (detail removed by moderator) with him, the recent was (detail removed by moderator) ago, he just went silent when i got pregnant and told me we are not ready, wait (detail removed by moderator). Only (detail removed by moderator) after he started talking about kids, saying, ‘Its time’, or ‘let me know if you don’t want them’. He told our friends we would start trying in (detail removed by moderator), we have not discussed it at all, he makes plans without telling me. When we see kids out he will stare and smile, and I will ignore them because it hurts. Our friends (detail removed by moderator) the other day and it has been so panful, i haven’t been able to eat since. My stomach is in knots.

I still doubt myself, I still think he would make a good father, he was so great with his nieces and any of our friends kids. He always said he would change once we had kids, would settle down, be more motivated.

Thankyou, any help is really appreciated

[Lisa]

Hello Eyesopening,

I am so glad to hear that you’ve made the decision to leave the relationship, of course this is a very difficult time and it’s normal to have feelings of doubt, regret and even guilt. It sounds like you are going through a lot and are naturally experiencing very conflicting feelings.

It’s important to have as little contact as possible with your ex at the moment, he will likely use any opportunity of contact with you to change the narrative, guilt trip you and play the victim. Many women feel that no-contact is the best way to remain out of an abusive relationship, but of course, that is much easier said than done.

It’s very uncommon for abusers to change, very often, children can be another obstacle to being free of the abuse. Once children are involved, it’s likely that man will remain in your life indefinitely, and you deserve more than the life you have had with him.

Do you think he uses the idea of having children as a tool to draw you back in when you are having doubts? It sounds very much like these decisions are all on his terms.

I’m sure others will be able to offer further advice and support.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Eyesopening]

Thanks, I ended up calling my local domestic abuse contact and it helped alot to get it all out and have her validate my feelings and confirm again how bad the relationship was xx

[nbumblebee]

Huge well done for leaving what strength and courage that took. Now keep that strength and keep believing in yourself. Hugs xx

[Eyesopening]

Thankyou nbumblebee

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