Please help, i am going to stay, trauma bond is killing me

[Confusedgirl]

I have had the rental house for (detail removed by Moderator)!!! All big furniture bought and in, sofas, beds, fridges etc. Broadband fitted

BUT I CANT DO IT.. I cant do this last part, take my clothes and actually leave

The trauma bond is so so strong, i feel horrendous.

He has gone the full circle, back to being nice, saying he loves me, wants to make it work, but in reality isnt really doing anything different. All blame is on me, and if i stay it “cant go back to the way it was” by which he means sex. The last 6 months sex has been happening less and less because my body and mind cannot be near him, years of sexual coercion has killed my sex drive. However he has kept on and on about this, how he is hurt, how he is sexually frustrated, how he needs to be on a pedestal and feel loved. He keeps asking for a cuddle constantly, then trying to stick his tounge in my mouth. Gets in my bed and gropes me, puts his hand in my pants, asking for sex, when i tell him to stop he says “why?” and “i cant help it”

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We have tried to talk but he wont listen, just twists it all onto me, saying he has needs, he needs to feel loved. When i tell him his aggression, the names he calls me hurt, he says its in the past and i cant keep bringing it up.

So i have a house, my parents are so worried about me and the children. But i cant go, i cant leave. I want to sell all the stuff and give the keys back x*x

[Eyesopening]

I know how you feel, I managed to leave a while ago, after so so so much confusion and back and forth, but in the end (about a couple years of trying about 6-7 times) I had enough of trying to leave then failing, the stress was destroying me. In the end my body led the way, my legs carried me and I didn’t do much thinking. We can’t trust our brains in these moments, we need to follow that gut inner instinct that is screaming to run..

What I would do if I was you, is buy ‘How he gets How He Gets Into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser’ By Don Hennessy. Its about 6pound on Kindle. From what you say, this will really help, it will totally validate what your post is saying. It is saying how he wants you for his sexual needs, he expects you and requires you to give in to him, also he explains how they actually brainwashing us. Don Hennessy explains this all so so well, reading it really set me free, it broke those last chains that held me to my ex abusive partner.

Read books, watch youtube vids, educate yourself on abuse and things will start getting clearer and you will be surer and more able to make that last move. Knowledge really is power xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi confusedgirl,

Take a deep breath and STOP! Just take a few moments in the day when you can and allow yourself time to think about what you have here… you have a bolt hole, somewhere that many of us never had.

If you have rented somewhere then you are committed to it for at least a few months. The furniture will always have a ‘used’ or ‘as new’ value in a few months time. None of it has to be given up RIGHT NOW. So take your time for now and read up on things, get the book that Eyesopening has recommended, stay on the forum and reassess your situation every couple of weeks.

When you are no longer physically, emotionally or mentally attracted to someone it’s really hard to get in the headspace to want to be sexually intimate with them. For many women, kissing is more intimate than the actual sex, and I know exactly how awful it is to have to prepare yourself for the sex that you don’t want, or even worse, have it forced on you. I was fortunate that I was not forced in to sex or made to do anything I didn’t want to do, but I did have to prepare myself to go through with the sex every so often to keep him happy.

However, what we also have to assess here is how important a sexual relationship is, and what I say may seem controversial and in no way condones an abuser’s right to sex with us.

It is well known that women and men view sex differently. Many men can have sex without emotional attachment and use it as a release for a satisfaction need, whereas women associate sex with intimacy and affection and don’t necessarily just do it to release a need or urge. Many years ago when I was in a loving relationship with a man I lost my libido, I don’t know why, but I just went off sex. My partner at the time wanted sex and he was patient with me and never pressured me, but I remember really clearly when he said to me on holiday something along the lines of “I’m too young to just have a companion, I need to be in a relationship with someone who wants me sexually.” I fully accepted this and I tried my best to get my libido back but it was hard. In the end, I ended the relationship with him based on incompatibility. He was really upset and so was I, but there were other things in the relationship that I just knew he wasn’t ‘the one’. I knew that if I’d stayed with him it wouldn’t have been right for either of us and I wouldn’t have blamed him if he’d got his sex elsewhere in the end.

So ask yourself this. Are you happy to settle for a companionship with this man and have your other needs met by him as long as it doesn’t involve sex? Are you happy to live without a sexual partner for years ahead? If this man meets your needs in all other ways, are you happy for him to get his sexual needs from someone else as long as he doesn’t leave you for them? Are you able to tell him that you want to be with him and will be faithful to him, it’s just the sex you don’t want and you’re happy for him to find other women to have sex with as long as he doesn’t expect it from you? Does he meet your needs in all other ways? Does he support you emotionally and contribute equally to your relationship? Does he support your career choices, does he encourage you to go out with friends and see your family, is he happy for you to go out and have a social life without him? Do you have a great social life with him too? Do you look forward to going home from work to him, waking up next to him? If he is meeting all of these needs to your satisfaction and the sex is the only issue and it’s because you have no libido, is this a life you are happy to live?

Or is the reality that you just can’t bear to have sex with him because you no longer like him, love him, desire him or want him near you because you are repulsed by intimacy with him? We can’t stay in a relationship with someone whose intimate presence repulses us, no matter how hard we try. As you have identified, it’s the trauma bonds that are keeping you there and you’re not going to break them while you are still in the same house as him. Remember, you can’t get better by remaining in the situation that is making you ill. These trauma bonds need to be cut one by one until they are gone.

Keep your bolt hole for as long as you can. You don’t need to leave today, tomorrow or next week, but you’ll be furious with yourself if you’ve given it up and the day arrives that you’re finally ready to leave but have nowhere to go.

xx

[Bananaboat]

Great advice so far especially stop. Breathe.

I remember this time vividly, when I was in my new house I felt lighter but guilty. When I went back to the shared house I almost slipped into a different personality, one stuck riddled with guilt and spending hours ruminating on how to stay & be ok. It was like two versions of me ripping apart in different directions.

Look up FOG, that fear of leaving, feeling obligated to deliver on his needs (but what about yours), the guilt surrounding it all. Recognising it’s the trauma bonding, it’s Cognitive dissonance tricking your mind, that you’re experiencing FOG, that you’re chemically addicted to this relationship and as a result your body craves the highs/lows all help. Weirdly there’s a feeling of safety in the known, even if it’s not a happy/safe place. Watch Dr Ramani YouTube clips on leaving.

If a Big Bang move isn’t for you how about you Break it into baby steps. What if you just take some clothes. What if you stay over one night. I think even mid-move, mid vile behaviour there was still a huge part of me thinking just tell me you love me and I’ll stop all this, but he won’t change. Watch his actions, ignore his promises – stop excusing him and really ask is this what I want in 2 / 5 / 10 years. Only once you’re out can you start to heal and break the bonds & conditioning you’ve lived with.

Do you really want to spend Christmas with him, or do you want it in your new home with the kids, doing what makes you happy. You got this. xx

[Confusedgirl]

Thank you 🙂

I have women’s aid supporting me, and they have been fab to be honest, however it has/is so hard to break away.

It’s not just the sex, I understand that he has needs/wants and sex is important for a relationship. Its the way he uses sex to manipulate me, to end a argument, the constant sexual remarks when he can see im visually distressed. The threats of rape, groping/touching me when i have said no. I have felt violated over the years and definitely been manipulated into sex so many times.

Its the name calling, then denying it, the aggression with the children, having to walk on eggshells due to not being able to bring any issues up as he will gas light and twists things, so i end up feeling awful. I dont bring up issues anymore, no in-depth conversations, no secrets, no worries. just plodding along doing everything for the family, knowing this is my life now..

After all these years, its all i have known. Its normal to me, this daily life of no help, struggling doing it all, wokring and studying, cant bring up issues, cant point out things that go wrong.. I know theres a better life waiting for me, but i cannot seem to go. I feel worthless, like i can do no better than this.. Self esteem has been eroded to nothing..

it is so hard to take that leap. I dont know why but i cant decide.. stay and live this life forever, or go and start again.. feels such a huge decision x

[Bananaboat]

You’re already living it alone, and coping. Now imagine doing it without walking on eggshells and that sinking gut feeling when he walks in. If not for yourself, do it for the kids. They only get one childhood and you only get to enjoy that childhood once. He will be unhappy, he will have a tantrum, you will feel guilt, staying will not stop that but leaving you will be happier, safer and don’t you & the kids deserve that xx

[Wants To Help]

It is a huge decision, it’s a life changing decision.

If you are feeling worthless by living with him then read this. We want you on our shelf 🙂

Our Self Worth

[Melonballs]

Hi there!

Can I suggest just reading back your first post?

“He has gone the full circle, back to being nice, saying he loves me, wants to make it work, but in reality isnt really doing anything different. All blame is on me, and if i stay it “cant go back to the way it was” by which he means sex. The last 6 months sex has been happening less and less because my body and mind cannot be near him, years of sexual coercion has killed my sex drive. However he has kept on and on about this, how he is hurt, how he is sexually frustrated, how he needs to be on a pedestal and feel loved. He keeps asking for a cuddle constantly, then trying to stick his tounge in my mouth. Gets in my bed and gropes me, puts his hand in my pants, asking for sex, when i tell him to stop he says “why?” and “i cant help it””

Where in that list has he considered your feelings? Have you noticed it’s all about what he wants, what he needs?

I signed a lease, bought furniture etc. Then had a major, major wobble. I’m the end I didn’t think about it, just got in the car and drove.

Wantstohelp has a good point. Just try one night. Who knows, it might turn into two, a week….

Whatever you decide, we’ve got your back xx

[Strengthinlove]

Hi Confused

I’m just dropping by as you answered my post about leaving ❤️

I’m not as read up on DA as a lot of the women here as I’m only just unfolding all this myself but the advice that other’s have given you here is amazing.

I know it really takes time when there is the trauma bond! I went through a phase of always having ‘what if’ in my head – ‘what if’ he just went back to being the amazing happy loving person I first met – and it is sometimes easier to kid yourself it’ll be ok again next month or we can fix it so it’ll go back to being how it was in the honeymoon period.That can feel easier than the overwhelm of moving.

Over the last months I’ve taught myself a couple of strategies for thinking clearly which work for me .. looking at it from the outside

Firstly – even IF the constant sexual coercion wasn’t distressing, even IF you were still wanting sexual intimacy … does he care and love you as a person, does he talk to you and consider your needs or is the relationship just about him wanting a ‘wife’ to satisfy him … or are you best friends who trust and love each other?

So even IF you still enjoyed the sex with him and it wasn’t an issue, how about the other issues in the relationship… ? It seems he is focusing on the sex to then use this as the reason why the relationship failed and blame you and become the victim.

I do know it’s hard to leave! I’ve been trying a few times! But if you have the house, why not make a packing list and just move a few main things you really want to be there – I’ve been slowly moving things and it makes it easier to do it bit by bit, a lot less overwhelming.

Just remember to take one day at a time x x x 💕

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