52cherries

[52cherries]

his favorite joke was saying “you don’t love me.” when i didn’t do something immediately that he wanted, or if i didn’t laugh at a joke he told, or for any reason. even after i told him i didn’t like this joke, that it made me feel bad, he stopped for a little and then started up again.
i have trauma around a specific sexual act, and told him at the beginning of the relationship that i had trauma and it would take me a while to feel comfortable doing that. he said he understood, that he wouldn’t want me to do anything i didn’t feel comfortable doing. after a few months, though, he started pressuring me to do it, saying he’d never been in a relationship where it didn’t happen, that it made him feel like i didn’t love him, that i wasn’t attracted to him. he had me questioning my own intentions, was i refusing to do it because of “trauma” or because i’m lazy and selfish?
one night he got black out drunk and told me he was considering having sex with a friend of his instead, because he knew she would do that specific act. i broke up with him over that comment, and it began this very scary situation where i could barely function without him. i couldn’t keep food down. i couldn’t think, my friends had to gather around me to make sure i was eating and sleeping. looking back on it now, the amount of intense manipulation he did to get me back into the relationship with him was… sickening. but the scariest part was that i would do anything to be in his light again. i wanted to be back with him.
eventually i did the sexual act, because he pressured me so much. after that, he would make a joke when a song we liked would come on (that was about that sexual act) and he would say he used to listen to that song and wonder if i would ever do it, and if i really loved him.
he wasn’t usually outright cruel, unless i was asking him to drink less (which i stopped asking). he just made little jokes and comments every day to pick away at my self-esteem. when i asked him to be nice to me, to say nice things about me, compliment me, show affection, he would say that that’s not his way of expressing love and he wasn’t capable of doing so.
it feels so hard to say that emotional neglect is abuse because it was just… nothing. it was the lack of affection, of attention, of care. and he conditioned me so well that i didn’t even realize i wasn’t receiving any of these things.
AND i found out recently that he had been sexting with an old friend the entire time we had been together. there were so many times he lied, and sometimes got caught in those lies, and he acted like it didn’t matter so if i cared about it, i was the one with the problem.
he seemed to just have no idea what to do when he upset me, he would just turn off completely, turn on the TV, get another beer, ignore me.
is this abuse??? i feel so crazy and alone. 🙁

[52cherries]

[52cherries]

Thank you so much Soulsearcher. Thank you for replying. <3 It feels really good to know I’m not alone.

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