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[asdfghjkl]

Hello,
After hesitating for a long time I have finally got the courage to share my story with you because I feel that I am on my own with my thoughts and I have to have a place where I can discuss them.
I have not experienced rape or physical abuse, and I am still struggling to label my previous relationship but after having read a library amount of books, seen therapist and read many of your posts I am getting close to being able to identify it as abnormal, emotionally abusive relationship.

It all started when I was still at college (very young) and lasted more than a (Detail removed by Moderator) (very long). He was much older than me, in an open marriage at that time with kid but convinced me that all party is happy with that and so on. He was amazing, there was love bombing, I was the best, smart, young, beautiful, the queen of his sex fantasies – and his toy as well. He charmed me into many-many situations re sex where I wouldn’t have wanted to be on my own but he could convince me with his charm and his later exaggerated intimacy. He always told me that if I do this and that for him than he would love me more and that I was the best. I was young and he had a very social lifestyle so, I thought it is all part of the fun…I did it but it always left me disgusted and and felt shame the next day. Especially because he made photos and ‘we’ uploaded them to the internet to find more fun…Hated it and still hate it. I trusted him though so I kind of motivated myself to enjoy these things but truly…He mastered it: he kept mentioning how his ex did this and that and because I wanted them to get divorced, of course I wanted to be better.
The intimacy was only present after these sex acts for some time but of course he had more and more fantasies and more and more demands…If I did not comply he acted like he was disappointed and suggested that maybe I am not the one.

This was the first chapter, coloured with two breakups with multiple cheating on me but when I really wanted to leave him forever he managed to convince me to get back to him by divorcing and moving together with me. He changed he said. Since then a very painful couple of years followed, we changed home locations which resulted me to lose my job (I was very successful) but he could still tend his occasionally. (I really loved my job.) Depressed but quiet couple of years came by where I thought that finally we can start a family as it was long promised but he started to act depressed and that justified why he continued his drinking and moderated but everyday drug consumption. And it is where all started…I started to get into depression and started to not comply: could not be happy, cheerful, sexy anymore, my cup was empty so there was nowhere to pour from…And suddenly I started to see myself from the outside: he blamed me for everything, he made do all the work, the household, the excess work, he managed all the paperwork re our life, and he knew everything on Earth better than me. He kept saying I am dumb, not attractive anymore, too sensitive, cannot take criticism (he even criticized my facial expression in windy weather outside and the way I walked), never happy with anything and so on with occasional yelling on me even in front of his kids, he gave me looks when I said or did something inappropriate (in his opinion) in front of friends and his family – it went for at least (Detail removed by Moderator) years. And I was way away from all my friends and all my family in a place where I did not know a single soul.
I broke up (Detail removed by Moderator) months ago and left him for good. On my own. I only trusted my therapist who managed to open my eye, I have got a brilliant job since that I am very good at, I started to have friends but I cannot trust and I have flashbacks all the time, every day, every week. I don’t believe these voices anymore in my head (his voice) but I feel that I can finally understand what happened and I am so angry sometimes but I just cannot share it with anybody because I feel that this what happened to me is soooo surreal that no one would believe me (and all my friends know him and like him). Since it was very difficult for me to understand it, I feel, I broke free but I only got into another prison where I am on my own again, lonely as my little finger. I just don’t how when will I be over this and move on if ever.

Thank you for the opportunity to share these, and sorry if I was too long…
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