Backtoblack

[Backtoblack]

That’s the crazy thing. I’m not the sort of person who ‘needs’ someone. I’m independent and quite like being on my own. I’m receiving messages saying he is so lucky I have him another chance and that he feels so happy. I just don’t know how to do it. Couldn’t get thru again at lunch and can’t call in the evening. I’ll try again tomorrow. But everyday that passes he is more and more convinced we are going to live happily ever after so technically I’m toying with him. Now I’m in the wrong. This whole thing makes a mockery of the refuge and what we all went through back then. Thank you so much for your replies. It really has made the world of a difference. I hope you’re all well and safe yourselves xx

[Backtoblack]

You’re abosutely right. I saw him earlier and I am definitely going to walk. I saw flickers in him tonight and things he said, I just know it hasn’t gone. It’s just how to do it. I’m going to try the outreach again. I called my old refuge but they said because I’ve moved to another borough I’d have to call the national line. Will try again tomorrow. Chasing my tail a bit but I’m sure someone will be able to help. Just need to work out how to tell him. The truth. I’m scared of him and don’t believe he’s changed? Just block and be glad I didn’t cave and tell him my new address. Or say someone has found out and brought me back to my senses?? All of this would work but I worry he will give my address from his brother in law. I’ve opened and stirred things up in him I really shouldn’t have. I’m such an idiot! However. I’m seeing very clearly after tonight and know what ice got to do at least. It’s just how to do it xx

[Backtoblack]

Oh and re the police thing. He ‘joked’ hat he would only have to say I cut him up and give him my Reg number. I really do worry he could get my address 🙁

[Backtoblack]

Thank you so much for your reply. It actually made me cry. Simply because I know every bring you’re saying is true. I know it’s what I need to do. What is wrong with me!! I am going to see him tomorrow after work to try and work it out. What if he really has changed though. He says he hasn’t hit his last girlfriend. I know a lot about his mental illness and if I can just avoid triggers or pushing his buttons could it not work? My god did I really write that! I know how this sounds. But my mum has bipolar and I know you really can change. With the right meds and support. He was diagnosed last year after years of being in and out of hospital and suicide attempts. He has been honest and told me he still self harms (what he calls ‘cat scratches’) whereas before they were life threatening and caused him to be hospitalised. I am sounding so stupid! This is ridiculous. I was so over all of this! I wonder if it’s some sort of reaction to my marriage breakdown? At our marriage counselling my (violent) ex was the only thing that made me cry. There is obviously a massive issue still in my mind I just couldn’t see it. I refused counselling when I left the refuge. And they seemed happy I’d don’t need it. What on earth has happened!

[Backtoblack]

I’m worried that if I go to the police hey will involve social services. They were never involved before but I have read about circumstances where they were involved because the mums were making bad choices by taking them back. My children are my world and I can’t have a question mark over my head about them. I work in a school too. The repercussions of this are huge. I’m thing my husband could find out because if I’m honest I’ve been imagining telling people. I’ve created this fantasy in my head where I am better equipped now because we know he has bipolar. Like I could somehow help him. I know how this sounds. And if someone else were to say it to me, I’d say it was nuts. But I’ve managed to convince myself he has changed. And what if he has. He is convinced we are meant to be and this was all in gods plan. That one day, when he was well we would find ourselves together again. I worry the damage this will do to him if I walk again. I can’t help but be honest and say I don’t want to walk. He has this hold and I don’t know how far I’m going to get involved here before it’s too late to turn back. I have really messed up.

Thank you for your reply. I know how this all sounds. But I literally can’t talk to anyone. My friends and family watched the struggles I went through while I was with him and then leaving everything I knew and loved behind. They would think I’d gone completely insane!

[Author]

Posts