Barbara

[Barbara]

That is strange cirrocumulus. My husband has only one real ‘friend’ who he sees about twice a year if that.i have quite a few but do not feel I can confide in many of them what is happening because They would find it hard to believe that this funny charming generous man they know has a dark side which he shows to me alone.

[Barbara]

That is such good advice LozzyX. I did write down everything that happened last weekend because I know that otherwise my ever-hopeful mind will let it all become a blur . And of course he claims never to remember what happened and denies anything I repeat back to him in the cold light of day “I never said that. You’re imagining it” etc.I wil log each day now.Good or bad. Thank you

[Barbara]

Thank you diymum. It’s reassuring to know this behaviour has a name. I will take a look xx

[Barbara]

Hi I am (detail removed by moderator) but have only just joined the forum. I have been unhappy with my relationship for most of my marriage, but was always led to believe by my husband that my unhappiness was my fault because I was hospitalised for acute depression in my (detail removed by moderator) and therefore there is obviously  (detail removed by moderator). It is only relatively recently that I have begun to half believe that I am living in a relationship of coercive control and that my husband is a lifelong bully. So many boxes are ticked. He rarely holds a rational discussion with me .Usually if I disagree with his opinion, his reaction is to utter a warning shout of (detail removed by moderator) much as if he was disciplining a disobedient dog. If I carry on talking he will not allow me to finish my sentence , but will approach me, thrust his face towards mine and yell (detail removed by moderator) He has never hit me and he has never stopped me from going out or seeing friends or family so he doesn’t meet all the criteria of the coercive controller. He doesn’t suggest what I wear or how to do my hair either. But he does he criticise other things constantly, my parenting, my spending, my hospitality towards his friends, my ‘unreasonable’ requests that he helps more with the housework and tries learning to cook (he is retired). We have just had a long weekend where I entertained acquaintances of his who he had invited to stay with us without my knowledge. (Detail removed by moderator), who had not replied to his invitation, turned up anyway and I had to hurriedly lay (detail removed by moderator) extra places at the table and prepare a bedroom for them. As soon as everybody left (detail removed by moderator) he turned on me and yelled at me for making his friends feel unwelcome by not getting things ready for them in advance and so making it obvious they weren’t expected.
He did not contribute at all to hosting his friends other than sitting at the dinner table like one more guest and laughing and drinking with them. Other guests gave me a hand and I think sympathised a little. That moment when I was absolutely exhausted and he started yelling at me was when I really felt I must do something. Previously, after events like this I have pushed them to the back of my mind and made excuses for him but his constant rebukes now send me in to such depression that I am beginning to feel suicidal and I know it is just not tenable to carry on like this. But I am also afraid of leaving. He is so convinced he is in the right and when he tells me off, he convinces me too. (Detail removed by moderator) he says when I defend myself. (Detail removed by moderator).. I feel so wretched and bad and useless. During our long marriage whenever he told me off I always felt like a nail being relentlessly hammered into the floor. He won’t stop until I am driven absolutely flat . Is there a question here? I don’t know. Tell me I’m not mad perhaps?

 

[Barbara]

Thank you Dickie. That is so helpful. I probably posted this in the wrong forum but I’m delighted you took the trouble to answer me. I will think seriously about contacting a a local centre.

[Barbara]

Thank you for your support I am constantly side-stepping as he moves the goal posts. After all he abuse over the weekend, out of the blue he brought me a cup of tea in bed this morning and is behaving as if nothing has happened. I am fighting my reflexive feelings of guilt because the man I criticised yesterday is behaving iike a nice person.

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