brokenmind

[brokenmind]

Apologies for the long delay in regards to replying. I’ll be honest, I had to shut off for a while in order to get through the days. I know that sounds crazy but it’s my coping method right now. Detach, breeze through and have very little recollection of whatever happened. Kind of ‘My body is here but, my mind is not which I think I mentioned before?

Thank you so much for your replies, they are greatly appreciated but I’ll be honest I’m struggling to process them due to a broken brain, which is so frustrating. My brain will enable me to flow out these words which are rare for me but will not allow me to read correctly or take in information when needed.

However, if you jot down something negative my brain will instantly recognise it!

It makes no sense.

I thought I’d try and do this again and post an update on the current situation. If I could just let this out, It will just make me feel somewhat relieved as I have no one to talk to other than my husband. Please note that my brain goes off track… quite a lot. It’s something I’m having a hard time with as I can’t focus/concentrate properly after so many years of not thinking for myself etc etc. I also struggle to communicate with other ‘humans’ so please don’t think I’m being rude. I also struggle with responding to replies too. It’s the words but, somehow these words are flowing from my mind. Again, I can’t make sense of it right now but hope you understand what I mean?

Dark thoughts have passed

Silent treatments still happen. A little bit more now that I’ve spoken up.

The lightbulb is flickering, it’s not quite fully on but it’s getting there! (my mind)

I had a moment where I actually stood up for myself and I’ll be honest, it kind of scared me, I threw up shortly after but, it also felt quite like, I was a little in control of the words that came from my mouth. No hesitation, no doubt. Just my words, from my mind and not his. The throwing up part was mostly down to the shock, shock that I actually said what needed to be said after so many years, then the feeling of guilt shortly after.

The abuse still continues, but it now has a bit of a twist. My husband has now switched into victim mode.

I never know sometimes what version of him I am getting.

After watching some clips on youtube in regards to recognising emotional, financial abuse etc, my brain has started to slowly back switch on. Hence why I call it a flickering light bulb.

I have said that I plan to leave, this has triggered him now playing the victim.

For example, if I were to ask if  (detail removed by moderator). He will respond but make sure to have an audience (detail removed by moderator) and make it come across as though I have said something horrid. Anything that will put me into feeling guilty mode.

I will be made to feel guilty for asking for food, for feminine products, for wanting a bath or shower.

He will purposely say  (detail removed by moderator) and make it come across to our (detail removed by moderator) and whoever is present that I keep pestering him for money. When I leave the room, he mutters  (detail removed  by moderator) . So that way then I come across as a negative person etc. It hurts, it really does.

He has now said  (detail removed by moderator). He says this because he knows that I have nowhere to go, no one to see anymore as he saw to it that wherever I would go, there would be a scene where he makes it clear that I have to be dragged back etc. So I avoid those places because he greatly embarrassed me both verbally and then physically.

He still won’t let me work or find a way to generate my own income as he knows that once I do, I will no longer have to ask, or beg him for money. I will also leave. He also feels threatened by me working with others. He says (detail removed by moderator) despite whomever I would be working with at the time, never meeting him. He shows up, makes his presence known and how unhappy is for all to see. (detail removed by moderator). It goes on.  (Detail removed by moderator) missed calls and he’s on his way, parked outside and being very intimidating etcfor all to see.

(Detail removed by moderator), Everyone is flirting with me, everyone is laughing at me and everyone is a liar in his eyes.

I haven’t eaten in (detail removed by moderator) days, but he quite happily ordered food in for everyone but myself (detail removed by moderator).

I sit upstairs whilst everyone eats and when (detail removed by moderator) ask my husband why I’m not eating, he tells them (detail removed by moderator). I haven’t been weighed (detail removed by moderator).

The food options if available for me(detail removed by moderator). Everything else is purchased to cater for his stomach and his stomach only, (detail removed by moderator). He’ll make a scene in front of everyone and say something like (detail removed by moderator). But others aren’t aware that those are just words (detail removed by moderator).  On his return, (detail removed by moderator) despite it being available in every grocery store. So I’ll have nothing to eat for however long he pleases.

The weaker I am, the easier I am to control.

There was more to type but the brain has just broken down on me again so I have no idea if what I type is typed correctly, in the right order, back to front, front to back, overlapped. I haven’t a clue, I’m sorry. This is what happens. It’s embarrassing but I just wanted to type whatever it is that I typed while I can as I don’t know when I’ll have the opportunity again. So please, please bare with me.

[brokenmind]

Thank you ever so much for taking the time to read and reply both. It is greatly appreciated.
I’ll try and reply the best that I can however, I tend to struggle with communication. I’m surprised at myself for even posting as that’s the most I’ve done in a very long time.

Access to a G.P is difficult at the moment. Picking up the phone and talking sends me into a panic as I’m scared that I may end up breaking down and embarrassing myself. I have tried before but I had one of ‘those’ receptionists who deterred me from trying again. I only have access to a consultant when there’s an appointment at the hospital and even then, I am unable to talk alone as he is there always. But I just realised (you got me thinking) that on my last appointment, the nurse took me to a separate room to be weighed in. Perhaps I could use that opportunity at my next appointment (not sure when just yet) to try and leave a note behind with her instead. To read when we have both left maybe? I just know that if I spoke, the tears will flow and I won’t be able to contain my emotions. It’d draw his attention too.

Again, wanting to contact women’s aid but the panic sets in and I bottle out.

It’s just the whole talking bit, it makes me feel a tad ill. That and the fact that I always feel guilty if I were to talk to anyone else other than my husband and his parents. It does sound quite daft. But it’s a struggle. My face would give it away too.

Wanting to leave but at the same time unable to if that makes any sense?

I had access to a local CAB when I used to do the school run (before (detail removed by moderator)) but now my children are (detail removed by moderator) I don’t have that option anymore as I am unable to. (Just realised you said that you emailed them. I could give that a try, thank you for that)

What you said (hereforhelp) in regards to the last few years after a friend pointed it all out. That right there!
After an old work colleague mentioned to me, plus the discovery of a social media platform video on signs of emotional abuse… My brain had started to see a pattern. Now that I am slowly becoming aware of it’s, I can’t put it into words other than it’s overwhelming. But I am slowly more aware.

I am so sorry that you went through that also, it hurts to think of another or anyone going through the same/similar etc situation. But know that your words were so comforting to read. I was worried to read the replies but I’m ever so glad that I did, thank you again.

In regards to you calling the police for the wellbeing check, I have mentally taken a note of that and I truly appreciate you sharing that method. I will most definitely try that should those threats happen again.

Since posting, my husband hasn’t spoken a word to me other than saying hello when he returns home but that’s only when there is an audience (our (detail removed by moderator)). I overheard him answering our (detail removed by moderator) question about why he hasn’t spoken to me. It’s been over a week. He responded with, “(detail removed by moderator)”. But the thing is, I’m not sure if anyone will understand, it’s the behind the tone and facial expression that says it’s a more worrying one if that makes any sense?

He leaves for work without any words and returns without words (silent treatment punishment). But only greets if (detail removed by moderator) are present.

I did manage to pack a case whilst he was at work and I’ve hidden it. So, I think that’s a start.

Hope I made sense, I truly do.

But, thank you so much for your reply/s. Those words were truly needed as I felt like I was sinking a tad too deep.

Hope things are okay for you both too

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