ChestnutTree

[ChestnutTree]

Hello,

I haven’t been on the forum for a while but I’m back and no longer at a crossroads – we are separating.
This decision is fairly fresh. I think when I first posted here in September I already felt enough doubt in my gut and worried that I’d already lost too much trust in him, but we stuck at it for a while longer.
In that time he’s shown me so many examples of unacceptable behaviour…disregard for feelings, speaking to me with no respect, erratic (blowing hot and cold with affection). Saying unnecessarily cruel things. Name calling.

For some reason I couldn’t give up…until I finally did.
But before then I was still trying. I thought a lot about things in between discussions and sometimes and put them down on paper. I tried to frame things as needs rather than ‘complaints’ when I approached him to try and talk about ways that things between us could be improved, how trust could be built up. But I think he only ever saw this as me complaining. It was very difficult to talk to him about anything without a defensive reaction. I tried to convey how I’d been hurt by him, why I had distanced myself, and what I needed in order for that trust to be rebuilt. But he did not or could not do anything with that. Most typically, he’d be angry that I was still hurt when he’d been “trying”. He seemed genuinely confused if even after a couple of ‘good’ days, I’d want to talk about something playing on my mind (like an unresolved hurt). A few days before we split, a conversation becamee intense and unpleasant but even after I was visibly upset and had tried to remove myself from it, he kept escalating things.

We are still living in the same house while we try to figure out next steps. It is calmer but very sad.

My concentration has been bad, and I’ve had nightmares about him shouting at me. My anxiety peaked in the days leading up to the decision to separate but has lessened a bit. Now but I’m mostly overwhelmed by the road that lays ahead in terms of practical and financial decisions. With loads of help from family I might be able to buy him out of the house, but we will also have to manage co parenting. I have not gone very public with what I know to be abusive behaviour.

I wonder if anyone has any advice at all on how to make this part more bearable.
Thank you

p.s thank you @stuckinturmoil for your reply too, I meant to respond but things got busy here

[ChestnutTree]

Thanks for your replies, it’s really helpful. I had a couple of days of inner calm but my head is absolutely spinning today and I feel overwhelmed thinking about how this situation might unfold.

I fear having to co-parent with him. I believe he loves our child and wants the best for them, but I feel like I’m currently seeing him in a whole new light and don’t feel I know him entirely. I worry he won’t collaborate, I worry he’ll try and have her for more time than I’m comfortable with.

I worry that ‘coming out’ with my experience of his abusive behaviour will mean a backlash and that he’ll fight hard to counter it and/or to fight custody. I feel so totally out of my depth and terrified. My brain is exhausted from all of this going round and round. I want to be present for my child but I really just feel like curling up into a ball and crying my heart out today.

@sunshinedrops – your comment sums it up. Once you know, you know. Now that something has shifted and I’ve realised we’re not just going through a bad patch, and that there are clear cycles happening, I doubt I’ll be able to fully relax with him. I suppose I am coming to terms with this, it’s very early days.

I think I do already live a slightly single-parent life when it comes to looking after our child. A lot of our arguments have stemmed from me wanting to discuss / negotiate how we split the load and this has generally been met with resistance or plain dismissiveness. I’ve taken on the bulk of childcare, for sure, and all the admin and decisions that go with having a child. I’ve been transparent and tried to involve him but he seems happy to leave it to me.

I can see a life without him. It’s a good one, with my, my little one, good friends and family. It’s not what I imagined when I met him, fell in love and we started talking about having a family, but it would be a heck of a lot better than what I’m feeling now. What I’m struggling with is the co-parenting thing. I can see how challenging it would be at the best of times, but if you’re dealing with a partner who’s been abusive I can only imagine how difficult it could be. And that scares me.

Thanks for your support.

[ChestnutTree]

Edit: I meant to write “There is still compassion in me for him”

[Author]

Posts