confused101

[confused101]

Thank you. It is humbling that others care, and your words really mean the world. Thank you. I’m sorry for the rambling message – had had more than a little wine by that point. I finished the relationship, and since he has sent messages saying he has had a crisis (been very angry and in melt down). He has seen his GP who has referred him to a mental health team (which I have been asking him to do for months). He thinks he has borderline personality disorder, and pleading for me to stay with him as he can’t do this on his own. He says he has come so far, and I don’t give him credit for it. It’s true, he has tried to stop shouting as much, but, as I think I rambled last night, the nastiness just seems to come out in other ways, e.g. sarcasm, snidineess, cursing under breath, but with less severe flying off the handle. I saw a friend last night, who made me block his messages. Now I am terrified he is really in trouble and tried suicide. He self-harms (did before I met him, and again when we last broke up – he sent pictures of him doing this, and threatening suicide, which he later accepted was blackmail, but said he was having a meltdown and couldn’t cope). I held on to the hope he would change for so long, and do feel guilty that I’m calling it off when he could well be close to turning the corner, but the anger in him doesn’t seem to go away, it’s always there, and just takes a misunderstood comment or bad day/minute to set it off. To be honest, I don’t want this drama. I just want a quiet life, but want him to be happy and better, for himself and other people around him. I’ve given up on the fairytale ending, as I agree that people only change if they want to, and I think he is maybe too damaged to see that he should/could. It’s like changing was too much effort, and ultimately he didn’t want to; he just wanted me to be a crutch to support him. I feel very guilty, like I led him on, but I just wanted him to change and realise how his being nasty affected me. It’s hard to know where to draw the line isn’t it, and feel either way I can’t win – either I’m too soft, and try to let whatever he throws wash over me, or be firm and feel like a cold b***h. Now I feel pathetic, like I overreacted, and am just like everyone else who turned their back on him, or in reality worse, since I gave him hope and supported him and have now destroyed him.

In my late teens, I had a relationship with (I believe) a psychopath. Not the murderous kind, but just someone without empathy. He cheated many times and lied constantly, and by the time I found out (as the last one), I was crushed. I couldn’t believe anyone could be as deceitful and cruel. His friends and family turned against me, saying I was cruel to make him suffer (he cried to anyone who would listen as I wouldn’t take him back, despite him bombarding me with letters and gifts, all the while continuing to see other people). I now know how he treated me was wrong, and have pretty much let that settle (it took many years), but I am worried the same will happen – everyone will turn against me, for being melodramatic and not giving credit where it’s due (he is better in himself than he has ever been, and I feel guilty and cruel for not letting that be good enough, particularly when he is fighting his own demons. I’m terrified that the break up will ruin him, and he will kill himself. He has often said he isn’t made for this world. So what does that make of me. Someone who left him knowing he has these thoughts. I think he is genuinely in despair, and of course that is largely my fault. While he was damaged before, I gave him hope then crushed him. I feel guilty for stubbornly thinking he is taking advantage and pushing for more and more out of me. I guess him taking advantage of me, financially and emotionally, can’t be his fault if he genuinely can’t see he is doing it, and just wants help.

I remember at the time the teen relationship ended, I suddenly saw the world as a bad place, where people didn’t care about each other. Everywhere people seemed to be cheating and lying and taking advantage of one another, and I was the weird one, with something not right, for seeing something wrong in this. The night I ended the current relationship, I called a friend I don’t see very often to say I thought I had just ended an abusive relationship, but her reaction was strange, as in it was downplayed, and I don’t think she really believed it was abuse (she hasn’t met him, and is currently very loved up in a new relationship, so I guess that doesn’t help, but now I am doubting my own judgement. She is my friend, and knows me, and I think she believes I am overreacting. I wonder if anyone else has had experience of people close to them downplaying it, and by extension not validating it? I told another friend, a month or so back, also, that I suspected he was abusive, but again, while she listened at the time, I don’t think she really understood (or cared?) how badly it was affecting me, and that she thought it was my fault for putting up with it (simply, if he was bad, I should just get rid). She hasn’t asked about it since, so again I feel I’m being melodramatic and too sensitive/pathetic. Since the teen relationship, I’ve had a string of not abusive but stupid relationships, each of which has ended with me feeling pathetic, and I don’t blame my friends for getting fed up with it, and I do worry that that relationship has tainted how I now see others, i.e. see bad when there isn’t bad there. Over the past few months I’ve been withdrawn, and admittedly not a nice or fun person to be around, so I think many of my former friends have given up, as they now see me as self-absorbed/anti-social or too stressed over nothing. I wish I didn’t feel like such a weirdo and loser, in myself and with men or was at least stronger to have more faith in my own convictions.

I’m sorry for the second rambling post. I feel writing all this crap is very self-indulgent, when I should just get a grip and stop being so self-focused, when there is far more severe, very real abuse happening to other women. My heart breaks that people are so cruel to others who don’t deserve it, and I hope for all the support in the world for you strong, beautiful ladies who are experiencing this now.

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