PaintingByNumbers
What you describe is so brave. I’m sorry these conflicting feeling are distressing. After years I still get these awful confusing feelings about what happened to me at the hands of my abuser and indeed, for the abuser themselves. They often give me a deep sense of shame and confusion.
When I feel this way, I take the time to reflect back on the things I would never have achieved if I had stayed, and list specific examples of things that happened that I just simply would tolerate from no one now. I also take the time to be a little kinder to myself, like you, I experienced gaslighting during the course of the relationship and it sometimes helps to remind myself that not all of the feelings and emotions I was experiencing were authentically my own. And therefore remind myself now still that these feelings and emotions I am experiencing are not authentically my own.
It is a journey, and with the loss of any relationship, it is a form of grief in and of itself: some days will be better than others but you deserve those good days.
Take care x
