Faceless

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Hi Roadtohealing

My heart goes out to you as your life how you lay it out above, is a complete reflection of my own. I understand fully of how you feel, very alone, unloved and completely lost. I cannot have my family over and like yourself, they will just pop in when they need, preferably when he is never around. I wish I could say to you that things will improve, but I think we both know that we are in denial and probably have been so for a very long time. I am hoping to find the strength to start the process of getting out, but I’ve been trying to do that for so very long, that I don’t know if I ever will. They manage to pull every piece of strength you have out of you. I spend my days in bed as I struggle to even want to go downstairs where he is. Admittedly I have medical problems, and that’s his way of ensuring I stay upstairs, saying how much better off I’ll be (pretending to care). I just stay upstairs because I can’t bear being around him any more. Unfortunately I don’t think any of us know the reasons for why these people behave the way they do, and I used to think he would change, but deep down we are just their pawns in their games. I do hope you manage to find a way out (if that’s what you are wanting). I send you much love during this terrible time and I hope you gain some strength to come to a decision as to what you can do if you really want to. It’s scary, I know, as I keep thinking I’m going to manage to, and then I never do. One day though…maybe? All the best xxx

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Hi Backandforth

I know you posted this a few days back, but today I too feel so lost, lonely, stupid and weak. I am in awe of the fact that you have managed to walk away from your manipulating partner. I have been with my husband for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years (albeit only married (detail removed by Moderator)) and I am still too afraid to leave. I wish I had your courage to take that step. I look back now and realise how completely nieve I have been from the start and he has basically taken everything from underneath my nose. If I leave, I know he’s going to put me through hell, since he’s already threatened to so many times. I don’t know what to do and although I have been to see my local WA counsellor, I still haven’t managed to get anywhere. He treats our daughter as more of a wife than he does me, and even people at (detail removed by Moderator) have thought they were husband and wife. He has arranged to meet up with friends (detail removed by Moderator), (but that I too have met), and I’ve not even been invited. Am I reading too much into this?
I really admire you for taking the massive step you have taken and I really hope that you manage to continue to remain so strong. You are an inspiriation and I wish you loads of success in your better future… much love Faceless xxx

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Hi Kip & Littledove

I haven’t thought about contacting my local Women’s Aid group, but in all honesty I sometimes worry that I’m being over dramatic and that I’m not being abused, especially when in between he can be so nice. I look and read others’ situations, and in comparison, I feel I’m being “pathetic”, and I should “show some common sense”.

I try and do things for him/his family ((detail removed by moderator) it goes on), but its always our kid that gets the recognition for it all. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge that, but I’m never thanked, and if I seek that, then I’m just a selfish person.

He came home from (detail removed by moderator) which then resulted in him saying things that I hate hearing and him say. I asked if he could stop talking like that, as its just constant, and if I had known he was like that when I met him, I would never had had a relationship with him. Once again, its a case of “it’s my house, I can say what I want”. Our kid then pipes in and starts saying about how fed up they are of hearing us argue and is inevitably quite rude to me especially, to which I respond that I don’t appreciate my kid talking to me like that, I’ve heard enough of it recently with the attitude etc., and just because he’s ok with them talking to them like that, I’m not. Once again, I feel its me against the world.

I now know that like you said Kip, he had no intention of putting me on the deeds, and has basically played me like a fool, but I feel that my kid is now becoming hateful towards us both, but especially myself.

I’m really strugging today, as this has gone on for so long now, that I feel like I’m wasting my life and I just want it all to end.

Sorry for yet again venting and sounding like a loser.

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I am so very sorry that I haven’t made any responses to your messaages Kip and Hetty. I have basically been living up in my bedroom and have cut myself off from everything, even this forum. I am finding things are really hard, but I did make some enquiries with a solicitor. The problem is that unless I can prove that he has been abusive to me, I have to pay for further help, and I cannot afford that at all. I feel pathetic right now, and my head is all over the place. I had completely forgotten all of my sign in details for this site as well which didn’t help with me being able to reply and I couldn’t find the energy to sort it out. I really do appreciate your comments, and I am going to see what details I can find out. I was going to try and get one of the forms to register my rights, but he has either moved, or shredded all the paperwork we had regarding the title deeds etc. He controls all the money so I cannot purchase one. At the moment, I am not included in anything that he arranges with our daughter and not once does he ever take me anywhere without our daughter (in all honesty I cannot remember the last time we ever went out together). I don’t want to continue with this relationship, but I am at a loss as to where and what I should do as I can’t afford to take him to court.
I apologise for rattling on again, and possibly repeating myself, as well as sounding completely childish. but I did just want to reply to your messages, even if it has taken me nearly half a year in which to do it.!
Thank you x

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Thank you for your reply. I am going to look into a few things you have mentioned. Part of me wants to be able to explain everything that has happened, but that’s not what everyone is here for. I just know that I have been so stupid over the last (detail removed by Moderator) years for believing he was a decent bloke. I will try and seek some further advice, but I worry that I don’t have enough proof of anything. I have kept a diary of sorts, but its been the odd day here and there over the last (detail removed by Moderator) years, so its not a great start. I am going to try hard to make a note of everything from now on. I think you are right in the fact that he’s wanting to leave me with nothing, and I feel so alone and pathetic. I will certainly google your suggestions so I can try and understand more of what I am trying to deal with. It sounds like my eldest understands more of what is happening than I do and I find that pretty humiliating. I appreciate your advice on this KIP, thank you xx

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Hi nbumblebee

I really appreciate your reply, and I hate to say this, but in a way I am glad to know that I’m not the only one going through this and have gone through it for so many years. I am though, truly sorry to hear that you too are going through a tough time and for so long. It’s really hard to admit that you are being manipulated, gaslighted, and controlled and I have never been able to tell the full extent of what has gone on to any of my family. Unfortunately my youngest daughter (she’s now an adult) knows all to well what is going on and what has been happening over the years. It’s little things now, like not being invited out with them, that hurts (daft I know). I am hoping to pluck up the courage to see a solicitor for a free consultation and have made several appointments over the past months, but things have either got in the way or I’ve bottled out. Like you say, there’s no rush and baby steps is definitely the way to go, so thank you for that. I wish you all the best and I do hope you stay safe. We will get there one day, and seeing Backandforth’s message shows how strong we all can be. Take care and thank you xxx

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Hi DIYMUM

Thank you for your reply. My daughter who is unfortunately caught in the middle is an adult herself now, (only just!), and she has said many a time that she knows what her dad is like, but like you say, it isn’t healthy or even good for her. She’s like our “go-between” now, and I know that is not fair at all. She hates the fact that he won’t include her half sister and brother and her neices in our lives, but it’s completely out of both of our controls. We now just go to my other kids’ places without him now, and it’s been that way for many years now. I unfortunately don’t have any proof that he controls the money, how would I do this? I have been writing in a diary for many years, but its very sporadic and I think the last time I wrote in it was at least a year ago. I kept meaning to keep writing, but I’ve been so low, that even doing that is a chore to even contemplate. I don’t know how I also can prove that the money for the house deposit was from my account, as I have no paperwork to the fact, especially now that he’s hidden or gotten rid of all the original Mortgage paperwork. I have always been too afraid to tell my GP anything, as I can never get to speak to the only one I like in our practice. Again, due to this, I just keep putting it off. I have become a prisoner in my own home, and I’ve lost all my self respect. I am at the doc surgery (detail removed by Moderator) for a general blood pressure check, so I might try and see when the doctor might be available for me to book a future appointment.
I really appreciate your response, as you have highlighted a few things that I have been neglecting to do, which I must try and carry out, so thank you so very much.xx

xx

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