Fallenofftheradar

[Fallenofftheradar]

I’m struggling with this myself, why am I not living my best life now. All I want is him again and I have to keep talking myself out of it.

I think other people don’t get it, because they simply don’t love him the way you do and what you’ve experienced with him. They see him as “just some guy” and who does he think he is, not as someone they care for and love deeply. You see the nuances of the situation, not just the bad stuff, and feel empathy for why he is the way he is, brainwashing yourself into believing his excuses.

So without those emotions for him it seems clear as day, but it isn’t when you have or had deep feelings for him, then he’s not just some guy who mistreats you.

I am starting to understand that it won’t get easier until enough time and space passes for him to be “just some guy I used to be with” for me. But I don’t know how long that will take, if ever. For now I’m just incredibly heartbroken and it feels like it is of my own making because I chose to walk away.

 

[Fallenofftheradar]

I understand why you feel lost without him and why you feel so guilty despite everything else you have said, because I feel like I’m in the same boat and have similar feelings about my ex and deal with guilt as well.

However, I also don’t understand why this happens as it’s not logical, but get you can’t just turn those feelings off.

The only thing that helps is time and no contact, because at first whenever I’d start to feel a bit better and on board with my decision, I’d get a text from him that catapulted me several steps back into the abyss.

But now it’s quiet finally, and I have to admit that every day is a little bit better. Every day I ruminate a little less, realise a little more how deliberate his actions were, and feel a little less sorry for him. And getting little glimmers of hope that there is a lot to live for without him, and the future might actually be quite bright eventually.

Give it time and hopefully you will experience the same.

Don’t blame yourself, your reactions to his behaviour and wanting to stay and make it better are completely natural. (removed by Moderator).

You’re a genuine person wanting love and connection and work to build that with the person you’re with, that’s why, but all he is interested in is control.

 

[Fallenofftheradar]

I don’t know if this is happening on WhatsApp but if it is you can move his chat into a locked chat folder, this means that you won’t see any of it, nor be made aware of new messages, unless you specifically open that folder.

It’s made a world of difference to me, before I didn’t even want to open WhatsApp to speak to friends sometimes because I couldn’t face being confronted with a new message from him. But now I literally don’t see him at all, whilst he’s not blocked

[Fallenofftheradar]

I meant to say I don’t see his chats at all.

[Fallenofftheradar]

In my case, I decided to wait until his next unreasonable outburst and promised myself that I wouldn’t be fawning this time, but would be telling him it was over. I thought it could be a while until it happened, because sometimes a couple months pass without incident, but it was only a week until he had another bee in his bonnet over nothing and I stayed strong and said that’s it, I can’t live like this anymore and I need space. I’m not doing it anymore.

I was so resolute at this point that I’ve held strong during the discussions that followed when he came over to talk (why do these types never just accept a break up) and have barely responded to his messages. I feel like I’m nearly there now, if only he accepted it!

If you feel strong enough you could do this too, but please remember you are not obligated to do it in person. If you can’t face it, or worry he’ll escalate, you can just pack you and your sons bags and go to stay elsewhere and let him know by text. Then block him and his family.

You could unblock him later once you feel ready to discuss collecting your things and sorting your house out, or get someone else to communicate with him and the relative on your behalf. Don’t get dragged into any discussions about the relationship, you don’t owe anyone further explanation. Just stick to business.

You need space and no contact for a good while to break the trauma bond first.

Good luck

[Fallenofftheradar]

I recognise the exact exchange of him reeling of a list of behaviours from me that he thought were completely unacceptable in a relationship, whilst I didn’t think I’d done anything wrong, and there was no arguing with him so it was a case of rolling over and giving up so much of myself. But apparently the situation was killing him with me being the way I am.

So I said that it sounds like we are incompatible in really fundamental ways, and I would never want to make anyone feel the way he (claimed) he did, but I can’t fundamentally change who I am, so this is going to keep being a thing. If he feels it’s something he finds unacceptable and can’t live with, we have to part ways.

But I got the exact same response, he doesn’t give up on things, especially not after everything he has done for me and this relationship and I always try to go for the easy way out blabla.

I think this narrative is all manipulation by making us having to change everything about ourselves and our lives to basically live to please him and he has control over everything. If we aren’t submissive, you will get endless extreme fights. Breaking up is never an option.

Very manipulative and unhealthy. And has nothing to do with love. He clearly doesn’t love you the way you are.

[Fallenofftheradar]

I have gone through exactly the same mental process. Always wondering, it’s it intentional or does he not realise. Or he’ll change he just needs more time to feel secure. But the thing is, at the end of the day, it does n’t even matter. What matters is, what does it do to you? How is it affecting your life and emotional wellbeing. Can you continue living like this, or could you be happier. It’s not your responsibility to save him, even if you could (but you can’t, only he can by taking accountability and doing the work on himself)
You have to choose to live for yourself and not him. You matter!

[Fallenofftheradar]

Don’t blame yourself! This new guy’s reaction is a little bit worrying, like if you just told him something extremely traumatic for you, his first reaction is to make you feel worse about it?

I mean perhaps it’s other people’s (who don’t have similar experiences) naivety and lack of understanding that lead to them saying things that come across as completely lacking in empathy. And maybe in being over sensitive after my own experience, but I’d say it’s a red flag.

Even if he didn’t mean it, but just doesn’t get it, I still don’t think he is the one for you as, if that’s the case, he won’t ever truly get it even if the relationship progresses. And I think you would need someone who does.

[Fallenofftheradar]

Yes absolutely everything is twisted round to make them the victim in everything.

I said I could no longer deal with his intense outbursts of anger (usually over insignificant things), that they made me feel unsafe and were destructive to the relationship.

1. Turn it around:

He actually said that I’m the abuser because with the above I’m apparently asking him to not have any emotions or he is not allowed to express his emotions, which makes me abusive

2. Woe is me:

He is anxiously attached, he has trauma, he has such intense emotions, he’s so stressed about losing me. All these things apparently make it OK for him to lose his shit with me over nothing and tear me down and gaslight me, but we should all have some understanding for him because he can’t control it for all the above reasons so actually we need to feel bad for him. Also he said sorry afterwards so why can’t I get over it already

[Fallenofftheradar]

That’s beautifully put, and went a lot deeper than my initial message, but I think you hit the nail on the head there.

Thank you for such a beautiful reply

[Fallenofftheradar]

Just goes to show how they just incessantly lie about stuff. I always used to take his word for things, but now I’m seeing more and more lies and it’s led me to question Everything he’s ever told me. Even stuff that could be true.

I can’t believe how your ex is just blatantly lying about what happens in the sessions. I don’t think I’ll ever understand their behaviour, so callous

[Fallenofftheradar]

Thank you so much for your responses, they don’t seem rushed at all, it’s really helpful to read, just to keep my sanity in a sense and to reassure myself it’s ok to just not respond to him at all. Hopefully this phase shall pass too and my anxiety with it.

[Fallenofftheradar]

I really resonated with the part you wrote about them using attack as defense instantly and effectively. It’s exactly what happened in the dynamic with my ex as well, and let to me walking on eggshells and never wanting to open up about what went on in my head. And then he’d blame me for not laying my soul bare for him, making me feel like a bad partner for not always wanting to share my deepest thoughts and feelings, but everything I did share has been used against me at some point so.. Such a headf***k

[Fallenofftheradar]

I know you feel awful and you want him to hear and understand you. But you can never win with people like him and it doesn’t matter now. He has ended the relationship and by doing that he has set you free. He has done you a massive favour. Please try and sell help to work through your trauma so you never end up in a relationship like that again. Hugs

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