I wish I could give you a big hug. I sympathise hugely – I got out of my relationship some time ago but as time goes on it feels like I keep uncovering new layers of damage he’s caused. It’s been so frustrating because it feels like it should get easier the more time passes, but instead I just keep seeing the relationship and abuse in clearer and clearer light – and that is progress, I know, but it means I keep getting hit by these realisations which then knock me sideways and I have to put myself back together all over again.
I’ve finally reached a point where I can actually call what he did to me rape – just like you said, I wasn’t physically forced, but I was pressured and conditioned to know how awful things would be if I said no. Finally accepting how much I was coerced into sex and god knows how many other things has really unbalanced me lately and I’m finding it hard to get back on track.
I have times where I wish I could forget it all, too – I try to hang on to the fact I’m now so much better equipped to spot and avoid someone like him again in the future. It helps to feel like the trauma has left me with armour instead of scars.
