Hope2021

[Hope2021]

Thankulu ladies so much for all your advice and kind words, it definitely helps somewhat to just get through the day I’ve come to realise. I’ve had more of the same from him today and I’ve just bit my tongue and tried my hardest not to react. I think that may be getting to him. He’s the best dad ever to the kids now aswel…I’m definitely getting those ducks in a row and leaving. I’m just so hurt that its me that has to leave the home and start again when he should be a man and leave. The hell of trying to get a deposit together is the only thing in the way now in my eyes, I’ve felt sick seeing so many places I could go to available now but don’t have a deposit. I’m determined to do it though, for my kids even if not for myself!

[Hope2021]

Yes I think that’s what’s keeping me here the most. The children, there’s 3…I feels so sorry for them, I keep apologising to them and telling them I’m sorry they have to keep witnessing and hearing all of this. They have put up with it for as long as i have. My eldest can see exactly what’s going on and how he thinks, hears all the disgusting things he says to me and then sees the state I’m in afterwards when I’ve blown up. Ita so hard to keep calm, when you know these awful things being said about you are noway near true, and to come from someone who you love and is supposed to love you..I can’t get my head around it..our family is ruined. I’ll never forgive him for doing this to me and going this to our family. A broken home is never what I imagined. May be part of why I’ve stayed also, believing in chances and making things work but I realise now this isn’t what it is…its just constant control and abuse. I can’t wait for the day I can leave, but my heart is breaking that this has to happen, I still love him with all my heart and I wish I didn’t…I wish I could hate him

[Hope2021]

I have family I could stay with but I really really don’t want to uproot the kids anymore than I have to at the minute.ive resorted to just staying out of his way but they hadn’t stopped the nasty remarks whenever he sees fit, such as me really going to cheat instead of going to work and how I’m a (detail removed by moderator)…accusations of being on my phone and hiding when he comes I a room. Just sick sick sick of it. I spoke to domestic violence helpline the other day, they made me zee how much its not right. She thought he sets me up to watch me kick off and then record. I don’t know how our relationship has got to this point but I certainly don’t want or need to be in it anymore. I’ve decided to get saving a deposit as much as I can, I don’t know how long that will take as I’ll need at least 1000 for a deposit!! When I’ve got that I’m putting it on the first flat acceptable packing my stuff and going. It’s the only way I can see the relationship finally ending without police etc being involved, as he’s made it crystal clear he has no intention of leaving, and I honestly think he believes that in a few days or so things will calm down and I’ll forget about like usual, like the last however many years…but I’m done!

[Hope2021]

Sadly yes there are children involved. That also keep witnessing and hearing all this. It’s happened again since I last posted. I’ve tried to just stay out of his way since then but he’s tried being Mr Nice as usual which makes it harder for me to just ignore him in front of the kids aswel. We’ll (detail removed by moderator) he wanted to cuddle me in bed and I sacked him why he wanted to after calling me a (detail removed by moderator) and all the horrible things he said to me, I told him I didn’t want to because I can’t get past all what he has said and done. He had wished me dead and told me he hoped I died of covid 19, in front of the kids. I can’t get over that. But now because it’s been a couple of days he thinks it will all be OK but it’s not. I’ve literally had enough of it. He hasn’t hit me but j feel like he might aswel have because nothing feels worse than this. So obviously because I didn’t want to cuddle him that was it. I’m a cheat and all the other things he says about me. I lost my composure again and lost my temper, he was recording me again and saying (detail removed by moderator) ( I was trying to get his phone off him yo stop him recording me) (detail removed by moderator)…again the whole thing became about me and what I had done to him and in front of his kids. Then he’s telling me (detail removed  by moderator) ..telling the kids to keep away from me today..that I need to leave…I just can’t do it…I’m literally losing the will to live every second I’m with him in this house. Sits with my kids around him telling them I’m crazy and don’t know how to behave..and that they shouldn’t have to suffer my behaviour..not daddy gets mummy into this state and then records it. I hate him so much. Literally as I’m writing this he’s just come and told me that I’m the worst and I’m a fucking (detail removed by moderator)…I’m so so tired

[Hope2021]

It’s an awful feeling isn’t it. I literally dream of exactly that, shopping with ease etc. Even me going into the bathroom with my phone is a problem and let’s not mention social media!! We shouldn’t have to dream of things that should just be normal..what I can’t get my head around is why dont I just open the door and leave? If it’s as awful as I’m being made to feel what a dropping me? I’m so so scared of the rubbish I will have to deal with afterwards? I’ve been there before

[Hope2021]

I’m in the same boat as you. I’ve been on this site a while but this is my first time posting. I’ve been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator). It’s not been right for the best part of (detail removed by moderator) and I know I need to leave for my own sanity and the sake of my children. He’s not the sort of person to just allow that though, he’s made that crystal clear as I’ve tried before.. which is why we are still together. It’s not even that I don’t love him.anymore, I wish I didn’t, it might make this easier?? He just doesnt respect me at all, I read the book why does he do that and he fits numerous categories…That’s when I really realised I’m bel g abused and each instance is highlighted tenfold ever since…which literally kills me inside…but I’m still here. He started with me (detail removed by moderator) because I took too long to answer the door…I must of been doing something whilst looking after our child musnt I? No way I could of just not heard the door. I wish I could just leave right now.. I don’t know what to do or where to turn

[Hope2021]

@enoughsenough yeah I’ve googled trauma bonding but I think it just made me feel worse about myself and the fact I’ve let this happen to me. I’i managed to actually take the leap tonight and leave with my kids..who I must return home tomorrow, currently staying with family and my head is all over the place, I’ve been awake all night and now he’s playing Mr nice with me over txt. My mental health is truly in the pan.

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