Isthereafuture

[Isthereafuture]

IWMB you definitely didn’t offend me. I was just unsure if you thought that I was still with my partner. I thought id never leave mine but eventually I did. Just wished I did it sooner.

[Isthereafuture]

IWMB what do you mean by respite?
I don’t have any problems with my ex but we don’t talk much the odd text regarding my younger son. He rarely responds to my messages regarding my son but then I just ignore that. He did try to control the visitation with my son but I took that out of his hands and just said times and days that he could have him and he accepted that. He missed a weekend with my son once, he went out drinking on the Friday night of the visit then wanted to collect him by taxi but I ignored the texts until the following fortnight. Despite my anxiety of being homeless, leaving my partner was the best thing I could have done. Took me a long while to do it and years of planning in advance. I started to rebuild myself whilst we was still together. I attended a few courses at a local women’s refuge and after completing them I still wasn’t ready to leave. I eventually made the decision to end the relationship. We continued to live together for some time until the property sold and then he left. The most important skill I learnt was to not let his behaved affect me. I eventually had the ability to do this and I could see the fear in my ex’s face that he then realised he had lost control of me. Now I’d never look back.

[Isthereafuture]

Itmustbemesurely
It’s just so nice for someone to be feeling and saying the same as myself. I’ve only started writing on this forum for comfort as I know there is nothing else I can do now. What will be will be. Hopefully my mental state won’t fail me and hopefully I’ll be able to cope when I eventually sell the house again in 2 years 🙁

[Isthereafuture]

Kip I seeked advice from everywhere when I originally sold the property to my son, I don’t earn enough to buy shared ownership without the lump sum and can’t buy using the lump sum. It’s just like the government don’t want to support people like myself they just want me to private rent using the equity. 🙁

[Isthereafuture]

Thank you both for your replies. The mortgage is tied for the next 2 years. But yes once I sell the house my fears will eventually end but that will be because I’ll be living the fear. I have a lump sum in equity so that prevents me for applying for shared ownership. But my salary is not enough to buy a property even with that sum. I have a terrible driving phobia so I’m limited to where I drive. I’m petrified of moving out of area because I’ll need to commute to work. I need to keep my job to secure a small mortgage. I’m only expecting to buy a very small flat probably in a troubled area so I’m not being unrealistic. I don’t really have any family for support neither. My ex does pay maintenance but I have always saved it because I’m continually saving in hope that it can secure a property of my own. I also realise the odds are against me when it comes to buying home and I also realise that I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself too. Sometimes I do feel like giving up and I’m always exhausted and I then think my ex has certainly got what he wanted and that was to see me with nothing. I’m not bitter or resentful towards my ex, I’ve excepted what has happened and there were good experiences too. I just want to be able to have a home and go to work to support my family. I wished there was more support for women like us when it comes to housing. Mothers and their children have suffered enough living with DV is it too much to help them with housing other than emergency accommodation. Sorry for constantly sounding negative but I’ve be been to hell and back and feel no matter how hard I try it’s never enough to succeed. So when people ask why women don’t leave their partners it’s not always just because they are scared but because they know they’ll be left in financial deprivation. This is why men continue to treat women like this because they know it too.

[Isthereafuture]

Hi Iwantmeback one word you used made me assume your from the same region as my ex maybe wrong. The one thing I never did was kiss my ex. I hadn’t kissed him for probably 15 years I just couldn’t bare it. Sometimes he would try to hold my head but I’d keep turning my face and he would give up. Leaving him after so many many years was the best thing I ever did. Just wished I did it years ago. My home now is s home rather than just a house. Filled with warmth love affection and respect. Has for my ex he visits Thailand 4 times a year. I just see him now for the sad pathetic insecure bully that he was 🙁

[Isthereafuture]

Hi Iwantmeback I stayed for years and sacrificed my freedom and happiness to keep a roof over my children’s head and to see them through their education. I thought that was the right thing to do. Now I realise it wasn’t my children grew up thinking their mother was a misery and had no self respect for herself and they also was angry for me for not taking charge of the situation. Since the separation we have spoke lots and I have accepted part of the responsibility for how they grew up. They had quite a comfortable life in a good area however they are mentally scarred by what they have seen or heard. Most of my relationship was just controlled financially and emotionally. A few times s year there would be arguments where things were smashed on a few occasions I would be pushed, pulled, spat at or something thrown at me. I’m not even sure how much was seen or heard by my 2 older children. By the time I had my third child after a long gap, shall I say I got slightly clever, I could just behave in the way that I was expected to never asking about finances or asking for anything. I met sexual demands when needed until I could no longer bare for him to touch me, I cringed and was rigid during sex for years. But in the end I felt so violated that it had to end. He was never aggressive or horrible during sex if anything he was a considerate lover to some extent. But just wouldn’t take no for an answer if he wanted sex. Which was probably 5 out of 7 nights.

[Isthereafuture]

Thanks KIP for your reply. Sadly can not afford to buy my son out and I don’t want to hold him back from settling down and having his own family either. My daughter shares a room with her younger brother and no spare room to rent. I know a house is only bricks and mortar but I feel so anxious not knowing my future and not having a secure home. A secure home is everything for me, that’s why I stayed so long in my relationship. Until I just could not live that way anymore.
When my anxiety is bad I feel so I’ll and week and tired. I can cope and manage the anxiety to some extent but the uncertainty of the future makes it worse.

[Author]

Posts