Kip and Ocean give good advice. Once I started engaging with my children about the things their dad had said, they started to draw their own conclusions. I would say “I am confused because ..a… but then ..b..” Or when shoe shopping would explain to them that “I find it very stressful to have to ask for his (detail removed by moderator) contribution to your shoes because…. etc.
Giving a name to the issue and making it explicit has bought about a great improvement in my mental health and improved my relationship with my boys.
I have recently started to ask the children to retell what they said when it has been particularly appalling, having put my phone on record mode beforehand. Thankfully the climate is now much more understanding of the insidious nature of coercive control, and that it is not always possible to produce a clear audit trail of events to demonstrate it.
Mind you, it will not change how your ex behaves, it will just give you and your kids ways to cope better. My ex is behaving in an appalling way, irrationally abusive as well as manipulating, and the last thing I want is for him to know what the boys have said to me. He can make them regret it and stop sharing anything with me. These kinds of individuals get more furious when the pressing the same old buttons no longer works, but then they don’t know what to do.
I would also love advice or links to articles on how to help my children cope with this behaviour.
