LimpingLady

[LimpingLady]

I have ( what feels like at least) a very unusual situation. It revolves around my dad and the whole of my upbringing.. I’m now (detail removed by moderator), happily married and not living in the family home but it still feels like his claws are jammed into the back of my head.

I think the only way to try and sum up my experiences is to say that he displayed a lot of sociopathic tendencies, the worst of which have always been reserved for me and/or my mum.

Some of the things that disturb me are below but it is just so difficult to establish for 100 percent sure that he has done something irregular or if I am making a fuss over not much? Bizarrely when I try to tell my mum about some of the things she jumps to his defence despite hating him herself and having her whole life ruined by him.

The most traumatic things are: two family pet cats mysteriously went missing when we had on each occassion had them for at least (detail removed by moderator). Our neighbours tended to mention that they didn’t like cats going into their garden as (detail removed by moderator). My dad hates upsetting anyone outside the family ( he must be seen as the wonderful do- gooder) … I cant prove it but I just have this gut feeling.

In recent years I have also joined the dots and realised that during my primary school years ( and possibly later) he told/ implied to the teachers that I was slow / inept… esp at maths. I was actually pretty good but I was treated the opposite ! He literally created a new version of me that wasn’t true but that even I believed. In later years I pursued AS level maths and loved it got on really well and was told I had a good talent for maths. I won’t go on but basic my he did the same with musical instruments – I was never aloud to learn one, bit my brothers were! My eldest in fact played several. I became known as the unmusical one.

He knows I am very scared of spiders and I can get quite animated if I see a big one. He leaps to its defence but pretends that he is trying to catch it for me… I’ve seen him let it slip out from his hand and he just lets it go and pretends it got away.

Once when I was having a horrible nightmare and was screaming out, he came to “wake me up” .. except I felt him tickle my feet gently then move his hand to my shoulder as I fully woke, to make it seem like he had been nudging me awake the whole time. I know this sounds crazy but I know what I felt and it made my nightmare all the more excruciating. I get sleep paralysis and become lucid while my dream is still playing out.

There are so many other things, most recently he seems to have subtly said something to my brother and his wife that has changed the way they are with me. Feels like he is trying to divide us.

I feel like there is a lot of things that I don’t even know about.

I want to get him out of my head because it is ruining my mental health and I have no career to show for all of this mental torture. I have fought so hard my whole life against the grain – and I have acquired some pretty good academic credentials , but I am still treated like the moron in the family and I get no respect from any of my family … they literally see me as the version he has created !! I think I do too which is the most damaging thing.
Sorry for the rant feels good to get it out though.

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