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Hi all. Can I just say I stayed am.still there. I stayed for the kids sake BUT question that every single day. Staying for their sake for Me was a bit of a get out.

Well I fairness I could never ne sure that if he was looking after the kids they’d be comforted wen needed, hugged and loved. As this was all impacted by wat mood he was in, often he would be giving us all the silent treatment. My point is here I stayed, the kids still suffered. The abuse n silent treatment gets worse year on year as they keep pushing your boundaries n you still stay. Am still here, mine our now teens. They are both continually ignored for long period of times cause he’s ignoring me. My eldest they don’t have any kind of relationship, my eldest no longer cares is wat he says. My youngest teen says they hate comming home they dread the summer holidays. They’ve struggled with anger anxiety. Staying does not equate to a happy child or person. I feel things have just got worse. Yes it would have been hell to divorce 10 years ago but it’s going to be the same now.

Please don’t let that make you stay. Good luck, be kind to yourself. Go with your gut. Take care x

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Thank you sad and alone. Every word I feel what you are saying.

Yes saying its a mental disorder feels like an excuse for them. (removed by Moderator).

Its scary how one person can have such control over us. When u say that you don’t want 2 be in your life anymore I get u I wish I could just click my fingers n it be over. I’ve actually ashamed to say wish he would meet someone else and leave me but I know he won’t.

 

On Friday I did use the chat got information and will reach out to.my local da soon. Am doing things in small steps. I’ve tried to do this on my own (number removed by Moderator) and I no now I need the support to follow through n get out.

I dream of a different life just peace. I wish u all the luck too.we deserve so much more than this. Peace is the bare minimum really.

Thank goodness for womens aid.

Am going to keep comming on here, I stopped last time after trying to divorce fell through. I just accepted this was my fate.

I feel u also with your pet. They are everything aren’t they. I won’t be leaving mine I don’t no how that would work but he’d die if I left him. Take care. Thank u for responding too. Good luck xx

[Maybe]

Hi. I feel every word you have said. I am sorry you are going through this. I’ve been in an abusive relationship for (timeframe removed by Moderator) and in the last year learnt its not our fault! Its not us. As fresh start says be kind to yourself, its such a cliche but I think that’s were the change starts. Am still there in my marriage but I am trying to envision a different life for my kids and me. A peaceful life. I have no idea when I will get out but I am taking these tiny steps in moving towards that. I’ve not told a sole as I feared people would judge me and like yours people would loose empathy. But u no what you telling them you should be proud of yourself reaching for support. As for those who have stopped being supportive they have no idea. It’s so.black and white to the outside world but they havebno idea the level of emotional bonding you can have to the abuser. It’s not a case of just leaving

Good luck I hope you find your way whenever that maybe to peace and to the life you deserve. You are worth it, we all are. Take care x

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Thank you. Yes it’s very true if not now when. (removed by Moderator) Thank you again x

[Maybe]

My point is here. I need to get out I gave to for their sake. Am scared. I have no where I can go. Am the main wage earner but it’ll cripple me. I’ve no idea. I just dream of being able to sit and eat without that awful anxious feeling dreaming about sitting in a living area. Me n the kids spend all of our time in the bedroom wen he’s home. That dream keeps me going, to wake up and be free. To be able to control my own happiness. To not have to explain and justify why I’ve spent money on something, to justify why I’ve put weight on, why I get stressed. I’ve known for a while now after all these years it’s not my fault and that in itself is such a relief. Am not guilty. No one, no one deserves to be treated like this but I am beside myself I’ve let my teens down. I pray they dint resent me in the future. I think we all need counselling.

Tomorrow I am going to use the chat n find out, I know I can’t move immediately but I have to start getting the info to.put a plan in place. I know I need help to do this and for the 1st time am ready to accept help and not feel so ashamed as I have over the years. Embarrassed n mortified. Am holding myself accountable I need out for all our sakes. Am scared

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Then the next time (timeframe removed by Moderator) I attempted to get a divorce but ww were living in the house together n I just didn’t follow through. What I’ve come to understand is he’s never going to leave. I’ve been told 4 (timeframe removed by Moderator) how lucky I am. I’ve been criticised belittled all the marriage. I’ve begged on my hands and knees for peace at one point. Nothing is ever good enough. How I am, way I look. My sickness, my fault. My weight am told am weak. Am a tank etc. Then there’s the silent treatment it can be a day or two, weeks months even. But now I’ve gone numb I dint argue back I don’t justify why the dishes haven’t been put away or the bin when wfh cause there’s no point. I asked him about how he was doing and got told who did in think I was talking to. I’ve been close to a breakdown I think at times. This is not love. The hard part is as he’s not getting a reaction out of me he ignores the kids. Is rude, ignores them etc. Everyone is dreading summer. It’s so sad….

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All I can say is I read your story and what an inspiration, you did it. Seems patronising to say yes it will be hard n ups n down emotionally because I really no it will be.   Good luck to you I hope you find happiness and peace! I am still in my situation but stories like yours make me feel like it’s possible x

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Hi. There are so many things that resonate with me what you have said. You feel and know the behaviour is wrong it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t hit you, it took me years to get that, my husband doesn’t hit me either or cheat etc but the behaviour and treatment well there r no words. All I would say is the culture part really hit me, I understand you. But its you living this life, and you deserve better. I for years a life time thought what a good wife should be and evertime I was told I wasn’t enough I panicked at what the family would think how I fell short and didn’t measure up, brought shame etc but at the end of the day it’s us who are living it day in day out no one else and our kids. Good luck to you stay strong and go with your intuition x

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As I keep telling myself don’t feel guilty you top shouldn’t feel guilty. Stick to your guns, I need to get to that place fast and move myself out of this situation especially for my kids. We’ll teens they see it all, it’s their father and its soul destroying.

 

I wish you luck and hope that you find your peace soon. X

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Hi. I think from reading and reading on here it’s completely normal to feel like that and to feel guilty.

I do too live together but don’t go into together or even sit together each evening. We, meaning me and the kids basically reside upstairs other than we we have the house to ourselves or eat dinner at the table. We even eat dinner now separate.

You go through the motion of having a problem, arguing or mostly being shouted at, then the silent treatment. Then after a while we get spoken to but we don’t get too comfy as the next issue could me a moment, a day or if you are lucky a week a away..

Will continue…

[Maybe]

Hi, I am newish here too. I can see real similarities in what you have said and mine. Am sorry that you are going through it. It is a cycle you just go round and round. Its no life and no matter what you do will never be good enough. The one thing I would say though is it will never change I’ve waited and waited a life time. My teens have been through it, their behaviour (partner) gets worse and the problems they find just get pettier and the silent treatment gets longer and more often. I truly understand your heartbreak at seeing the way the kids are treated. All I would say is no matter what we do we tend to feel deceitful and guilty but you have to do what you need to do. I have felt terrible writing on here for example. Sorry this is probably not the best comment. I would say use the resources on here n speak to someone on the chat n get support that way. That’s my plan to take it day by day and to reach out to them when feel ready. Good luck, we all deserve to live in peace, feel safe as do our kids especially. Take care x

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Hi I know its easier to say don’t blame yourself, it’s not you because I know all to well, we do. We blame and doubt ourselves. You know one thing I started saying to myself was imagine if it was the other way round and I didn’t support my child, I didn’t help out my partner with cooking and cleaning i guilt trip them and made them cry etc etc. It then dawned on me I’d never do that, the thought of doing so is revolting. Don’t doubt yourself you know your truth.

Keep reading on here. I have often felt alone, too, but don’t,  you aren’t alone on here. Am going to keep taking the support on here and will reach out one day soon I hope for additional support to get away, you should too x

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Hi thank you. Good on you for trying to explain it to another person, and yes you are so right it’s emotional abuse, how wrong others don’t see it for what it is. I had no idea in the beginning that’s that what it was. I blamed me and the fact that my husband is a difficult character, it took me a long long time to get to understanding its not me. It was covid times that I started researching and started learning i wasnt the problem. I sense some relatives have an idea that he’s not the easiest person but I still feel too concerned with keeping up the image of everything being OK. I drive myself nuts with this. Its like if I tell them there’s no going back.

Am sorry too that you are going through it. Its such a waste, its deverstating to whoever is on the receiving end isn’t it. Anxiety through the roof, walking on egg shells. It makes you sick. It’s not just silent treatment it’s manipulation and the torment that comes with it. I feel you people should understand the silent treatment is really just the surface of the problems. I hope you find an understanding person who takes you seriously and understands your pain, if not know as you have said you aren’t alone, we know our truth even if others don’t x

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I could not have picked a better word to use. Its for sure a roller coaster ride! It’s like a punch in the stomach isn’t it you go from being in like a little bubble of happiness with doing something or being out rhe house only to return to your reality. But we need to understand its not us. No good relationship makes you feel like you question yourself or have to walk on eggshells. I’ve done it for years and years, changed myself, adapted. Yet its the same old. They can’t and won’t empathise with you, you try to explain to justify your feelings but they are either shut down or ignored completely. I don’t have answers, just shared experiences n know that u aren’t alone. I wish you the best. Its taken me so long to get to this place of acknowledging it’s not me, I hope you too can see your truth and trust your experiences and value your feelings. They are valid

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I hope that makes sense. This is the 2nd time I’ve wrote. Last time the kind response really resided with me. I agree I just need to get out but am so stuck. I keep thinking if I open up on here it kinda makes me see accountable to see what am doing especially to my kids by staying I mean. I’ve never told anyone in my life what’s its like it feels liberating, scary and I feel so guilty but will continue. X

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Think that’s the hardest thing to be honest and admit it to others. I have a small group of friends and all of them are clueless, I’ve kept it that way and painted a picture of happiness. I’d spend an afternoon with them n often come home to problems. More recent times I’ve found myself exploding which is not me. I’d tell him to leave handfuls of times say but it never came about. What I keep taking away though is that it’s doable doesn’t matter the age we are are or situation it’s doable. Keep going. We need to be kind to ourselves and find peace x

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Hi I’ve read your update many times. It really resonates with me how your brain just attaches itself its like a drug. It’s like an addiction. I truly feel where u r comming from. I wonder if we valued ourselves more this wouldn’t happen but then I think my self respect was eroded step by step bit by bit. Without this sounding patronising you’ve done so well sending that text and leaning on your sister n brother. Will continue…

 

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Thank you so much for your response. Sorry to hear about your dad and experiences. It’s a cycle isn’t it. My dad too treated my mum at times to what I’d now say was abusive. I just don’t want the same for my kids. I know deep down what I need to do. I am going to really try to do it step by step I know I won’t be able to do it fast. I feel so guilty like I am betraying my husband. Its all I’ve ever known. Thank you again. I am going to really use this space. I hope you too find your peace x

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