oceanbreeze

[oceanbreeze]

Hi Lottieblue thank you for the reply 😊. Yes I’m very concerned they will try and contact me again, I have blocked them on various forms of social media and email/text but in the time after I cut contact with them they started contacting my friends to try and get a reaction out of me, they even went as far as deliberately sending images of (detail removed by moderator). I haven’t seen them in person since I stood up for myself and I’m terrified of seeing them again, I don’t believe they’d try to hurt me but it would bring a lot of unpleasant memories for me. I’m fairly positive they wouldn’t stop at anything to try and get to me and they seem oblivious of what they’ve done to me and more than likely hope things can go back to “normal” which will never happen. I have 1 friend who has also been been treated badly by them so they kind of understand how I’m feeling but I feel quite alone and that nobody truly understands how I feel. I’m also having trouble trusting people’s true intentions and everything feels such a mess in my head. Some of my friends and family say it’s best just to move on and put it behind me but almost everyday I’m haunted by what went on. I also feel like I don’t belong anywhere and that I should just keep it to myself because it’s in the last.

[oceanbreeze]

Here’s my first attempt at putting my experience under different headings. The abuse I experienced was always through messages and never in person.

Behaviour:
– Others think they are lovely and a great person.
– If I didn’t reply quickly enough to messages they’d send more and at times contact my family to see “if I’m ok” as they were “worried about me”.
– They’d watch when I was online and get upset/offended if I didn’t talk to them.
– Was jealous when I messaged/spoke in person to my friends and wanted me all to themselves, but thought it was ok for them to talk to other people.
– Frequently assumed what I’d done or thought and always thought it was to do with them.
– Underestimated my abilities and actions.
– Felt like I had to constantly explain/justify myself incase they got upset.
– Felt like I had to tell them every single thing yet they frequently never told me the whole truth.
– Did stuff behind my back to “protect me”.
– Blamed their extreme outbursts on their mental disorder but never did anything to try and manage it.
– Made lot’s of promises they knew they couldn’t keep.
– Felt like I couldn’t have a good day if they were in a bad mood.
– Very much a hypocrite, manipulative and controlling but this was very subtle.
– Liked to pick fights over petty things.
– Frequently jumped to conclusions without letting me fully explain things.
– Said things they knew triggered me but turned it back on me when I asked them not to use the words/phrases that distressed me and played the victim.
– Loved the attention and drama but hated confrontation.
– Showed up somewhere else despite having already agreed on a place to meet so they could “surprise me” and “spend as much time with me” despite them knowing that made me anxious.
– Frequently said sorry for various stuff and felt sorry for themselves.
– Very self destructive and made me feel like I had to stay in the relationship incase they had a breakdown.
– Thought how they saw a situation was always right despite it being the opposite.

Accusations:
– Accused me of stuff that wasn’t true as it was what was in their head and not what actually happened.
– Accused me of walking away when I hadn’t.
– Accused me of betraying and blackmailing them when it was them that did those.

Emotions:
– If I was upset they’d smother me with “support” despite me telling them I needed space.
– Told me they loved me very quickly into the relationship.
– Made me say I loved them before I was ready.
– If they were upset/having a bad day I felt I had to constantly give them attention until they felt better despite having my own life.

Control:
– Threatened to kill themselves several times as they knew my friends and I would come running.
– Used emotional blackmail when I ended the relationship.
– Guilt tripped me and went into a bad mood every time I didn’t want to do something they did.
– Tried to stop me from doing something if they weren’t going to be there too.
– Said they lived for me and wouldn’t want to be alive if I wasn’t around.
– Felt like I always had to say yes incase they got upset or annoyed.
– Was intense and kept pushing till they got what they wanted.
– Told me not to do/say something but went and did it themselves.
– Tried to dictate what my friends and I could and couldn’t say.
– Twisted a situation to suit themselves and keep control.

Money:
– Very impulsive and has spent money given to them from others that was meant for other things.
– Gave their savings to me so they didn’t spend too much.
– Asked me for my opinion before buying something or would buy something randomly then want more money from their savings.

Physical:
– Has punched and thrown stuff but never in front of me.
– Has been verbally abusive but never towards me in person.
– Has withheld physical contact until I did something they wanted me to as it was “for my own good” and because they “loved me so much”.
– Wanted to be physically close to me all the time despite me not being comfortable with it.
– Gradually made me do more intimate things before I was ready such as kissing/hand holding as they “wanted to help me be comfortable with it”.

Sex: Never went that far with them.

Timeline: It was a fairly short relationship but there was red flags before we took our friendship further. Quite a few people didn’t like them but I felt very trapped and compelled to help them. I was scared to say how I truly felt at times and felt I had no option but to go along with it. In the end I’m glad I stood up for myself when I did and now I’m left with constant reminders of everything that happened. I feel very lucky my friends stayed by me when things turned nasty and I felt the benefits both physically and mentally almost immediately after leaving.

Overall this was quite challenging and mentally tiring to sort out and it brought up quite a few unpleasant flashbacks but it has helped make it a bit more clearer in my head.

[oceanbreeze]

Also made me cut contact with someone for what they thought was “my own good” but it felt wrong to me and felt like I had to do it to keep them happy.

[oceanbreeze]

Red flags continued:
– They would show up in places to “surprise me” and “spend as much time with me” even though we had agreed to meet at a certain location and they knew I didn’t like them randomly showing up elsewhere as it made me anxious.
– They twisted situations to suit themselves and keep control.
– Made my friends and I believe they were going to kill themselves several times as they knew we’d come running cause we were genuinely worried.
– Kept saying they “couldn’t help” their extreme outbursts at me and my friends but never did anything to try and control it.
– Made lot’s of promises they knew they couldn’t keep but promised me they would never hurt me like I had been before.
– Told me not to say or do something but went and did it themselves.
– Frequently underestimated my abilities and actions.
– Felt like I never had/couldn’t have any “me time” .
– Tried to make me do things “for my own good” and cause they “loved me so much”.
– Said things they knew triggered me but turned it back on me when I said to stop using phrases/words that distressed me and they said “you really think I’d do that”.

[oceanbreeze]

Thanks for the reply KIP. I still feel confused by it all, I have never blamed myself for the way they treated me but I’m having a hard time accepting it’s actually abuse and keep doubting it. I’m slowly realising they possibly tried to put the situation back on me, which as you say is also a trait of abuse. I probably missed a few more red flags in my post as well but the realisation of what happened is slowly coming clear in my head.

[oceanbreeze]

Thank you Chasingrainbows 🙂 When I left i felt the benefits mentally and physically so was definitely the best thing I could of done.

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