Peppermint

[Peppermint]

Hi,
I’ve not been on here since my last problem but I find myself in a very similar situation again and feel a need for a kick up the backside to make me stick to my guns about separating from him. I have no one else to talk to about this so teally appreciate everyones advice and honesty on here.

Nothing really drastic has happened since i last wrote, i stayed with him, he went to anger management counselling and we both tried couples counselling. I’ve returned to work and things, whilst still strained, were ok. But he found a couple of flirty messages i had sent to 2 male friends and this really upset him, understandably. I felt very bad and apologised but also felt he was over blowing the situation as he knows I’m faithful and loyal. (Detail removed by moderator). 

We all went away, he was giving me constant nasty jibes when the girls couldn’t hear but I tried to ignore them. (Detail removed by moderator) we had a row as he was being miserable, refusing to talk to any of us, and generally in a very bad mood. After a few hours of arguing/discussing i was made to feel like a completely abusive wife and promised him (detail removed by moderator) (these were his exact words, even though he believed i hadn’t had affairs, he was more upset that he was portrayed in a bad light). I calmed him down, we explained to our daughters that all was OK and I’d done something stupid to upset daddy but we’d have fun from then on.

Later that night, after the girls were in bed, he kept asking me to tell him the truth and even though i kept telling him i had and there was nothing else to say he started getting angry. He woke the girls up shouting and then when our eldest daughter told him to calm down and he was over reacting he verbally turned on her very nastily until everyone was crying. I tried to stop him, get him to leave, get us out, but he wouldn’t move. He ended up (detail removed by moderator).

(Detail removed by moderator). 

Since then he’s been remorseful, apologetic, upset etc. I’ve said continuously since then that we should separate because i can’t risk our daughters seeing that kind of behaviour again and I don’t want to drive him to such extremes again. He doesn’t want to separate.

I’ve been telling him we should separate for over a week now, he said he’d move out this weekend but he isn’t going to. He isn’t listening to me. He thinks we can work it out and we’ll all be fine.

I need help to make sure i keep to my decision of separating and don’t let him talk me out of it. I need to find the strength to leave if he refuses too. He went to far this time and even though he says he blanked out and doesn’t remember what he did, i dont believe him. How anyone can put their children through such an ordeal is out of my thought process and i will not condone it by staying with him.

[Peppermint]

I had an appointment with my gp (detail removed by moderator) (I’m off work with depression and anxiety) and I ended up telling her my indecision about leaving and asking for advice. She said that on the balance of everything it’s probably best for me to leave and have space from him. I came out of there and phoned him straight away to tell him I was sorry but I’m renting the house and going to sign and pay for it right now. Somehow he talked me out of it. He keeps calling me now, saying I’m not in the right frame of mind to make such a massive decision, that I have other massive issues to deal with and I’m using this moving out thing as a smoke screen, that he’ll move out for a month instead and go abroad to give me space. Makes me feel like I’m making it all up.

[Peppermint]

You all make so much sense and I really appreciate your replies. I haven’t gone yet. I don’t understand how I can feel so definite about leaving and then so undecided after spending some time with him and him begging me not to leave. Is my brain tricking me somehow?

I’ll be honest, he really has convinced me that he’s changed. I sit listening to what he thinks now – his realisation that he just wants power and control over me and its wrong – and I try to work out if he’s that clever and convincing that he’s just saying it to manipulate me? Or does he really mean it?

I do completely get losts point though – that even if he has changed do I still want to be with a man who has caused me so much pain in the past? Is it possible to forgive so much? I’m just not sure.

He’s trying so hard with our children as well that the youngest 2 will not understand wht I’m taking them to live somewhere new whilst daddy is being so nice. It’s going to be very upsetting for them.

I feel like I’ve lost sight of the bigger picture, of the major problem I was trying to extract me and the children from. I wish he’d be horrible and nasty to me so it’d give me a good reason just to go. I need a kick up the backside to see what’s going on for real again.

Thanks everyone xxxx

[Peppermint]

Hello again, he’s sat downstairs now reading the on line freedom programme for men who want to change their behaviour. He signed up to it last week the night before I had a meeting with women’s aid. This is the second time he’s looked at it. He sits there a bit weepy and saying how sorry he is for the way he’s behaved and how ashamed he is. Is this real? Is he truly sorry and ashamed or is this an act? I have been telling him for years that he can’t behave the way he does sometimes – how come it’s only now he’s believing its wrong? Should I trust him?

[Peppermint]

Thanks once again for your advice and support. He’s promising me so much like doing the house up, giving the kids extra special birthday parties. He even took us shopping for new clothes for the kids yesterday. – we paid for them out of the joint account but he would normally say they don’t need new clothes and would moan and shout at me for buying them anything.

I know I need to leave him but feel sick thinking about it. I will have to talk to him tonight as he’s waiting for my answer and I’m dreading it. Ive told the rental agency I’ll go in tomorrow to sign and pay the rest of the money so I can get the keys. I’m not worried about him getting at me whilst I’m in the house as I’ve picked a house surrounded by people who will notice any altercations. He likes the outside world to think he’s an upstanding member of the community.

The thing is, everytime I’ve tried to tell him I want to move out its like he’s not listening and somehow it gets sidetracked. Instead he focuses on all the negatives of me moving out and all the positives of us staying together. I will have to take a deep breathe and try again. Its so scary. I left before (detail removed by moderator) without telling him and it was a nightmare. I was hoping that telling him this time would make it easier. The joke is that he said we should separate in the first place, that I should leave, because I will never admit I’m at fault and I’m not prepared to change to make him happy. Then all of a sudden the next day once I’d found somewhere else to live he’d changed his mind. So confusing.

[Peppermint]

Thanks again for the advice and support. Sorry to sound like a broken record but I’m still very unsure about leaving. He’s being so nice and reasonable, (detail removed by moderator) . He doesn’t believe that I can move out and we can still work on our relationship. He knows this house I can move into I can’t afford in the longterm without help from housing benefit and that I’ll have no money so keeps dwelling on that. I’m scared I can’t manage on my own.

I’ve told him I’m extremely worried about the effect or relationship is having on the children and whilst he doesn’t seem to think it’s that bad he’s promised me it’ll stop. I really want to believe that he can change. We’ve been together a long time.

Help and advice needed please. I have to tell this house I can rent what date I can move in today or let it go. Feel like I’m burying my head in the sand again.

[Peppermint]

Thank you to everyone for your advice. I went to see a support worker at my local women’s aid (detail removed by moderator). It was very helpful but also very frightening and upsetting as the realisation that I have been enabling his abusive behaviour towards our children somehow. The support worker said I was on the borderline of her having to start the MARAC process. I’m not quite sure what MARAC is but I gather it involves social services looking into the suitability of both parents to provide safe and loving care for their children. This has really frightened me and made me feel responsible as well. I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to wake up to this.

What’s making it even more difficult is that my husband is extremely remorseful and upset too. He’s doing an on line course for abusive husbands and is going to see the doctor. He’s apologised repeatedly to our eldest daughter and me. He’s desperate for me to give him another chance. He’s even not pushing me for sex and has promised he won’t kick off even if I tell him I’m still leaving. There are tiny cracks though that I can see, like him saying maybe it’s not as bad as im making out, that our eldest daughter said what I said wasn’t true,that he can’t live without me and he’s not sure what he’ll do, that he hates seeing me play happy families with my son whilst he’s feeling so upset. Am I being unreasonable spotting these things and thinking they’re signs he can’t change?

We’ve got a big family weekend this weekend with all our children coming to our family home for a celebration. I don’t want to tell him I’m moving out until the weekend is over so it doesn’t spoil it. See – it does sound like I’ve decided to move out but then the guilt sets in and I start wondering all over again if he really is going to change. The house is still available to rent and whilst I can’t afford it I think I just need to break away ASAP before it’s too late.

Any advice more than welcome. Thank you x

[Peppermint]

I’m shocked. Really shocked. That has really hit home. I think over the years I’ve got used to how our relationship is and unsavoury behaviour becomes normalised. I’ve spent years wondering if he’s abusive or not. And when I’ve broached it with him he’s said I’m the abusive one. The bit about being an irresponsible mother really hurts and is upsetting. I never thought of it like that. I’ve always thought I’ve protected them, put them first, to the extent that he gets jealous. I’m proud of our kids, they’re fantastic people but to think I am facilitating the abuse somehow by not leaving him is awful.

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