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Hi both, thank you for taking the time to reply. ❤️ I totally understand what you are saying, it’s only now since speaking to a therapist I’m recognising the patterns. With regard to the BPD, my therapist didn’t directly say she had it, but it came up when discussing mental health issues. They asked if I’d heard of BPD, since I have researched and noticed the symptoms match the behaviour. When I first realised this it made me feel empathic and more understanding but like you say it still doesn’t justify the actions, I’ve suggested her getting help but I think she’s afraid to confront the issues and I don’t know if it will ever change as it’s been so long now. Also so much has happened and I can’t forget.

So with regard to (detail removed by Moderator), she wouldn’t leave me alone. I expressed I wasn’t happy coming after everything that happened – the shouting – I’m pathetic, useless, selfish etc that she doesn’t want me there and she’s going back on dating sites that we are over etc, screaming, slamming doors throwing things, that she can’t believe ‘I’ would do this before Xmas and I deserve to be alone, coming into my bedroom screaming endless abuse at me when the dogs are hiding trying to get away from it. I’ve noticed the dogs don’t want to be near her.
I can’t say anything as I know it will make things worse. This all happened after the silent treatment.
She’d go from being like this, to abusive, then implying it’s my fault, then to being all nice saying she loves me and will change and that nobody will love me like she does etc, even gifts – now I notice the pattern – I usually fall for it but seeing it for what it is. How can someone actually love you when continue to treat you like that? Now I recognise it I don’t feel I want to put up with it or go through this anymore. I’ve been manipulated just like I had been in my past.

I’m not proud to say it but as always I gave in, because I care for her I wanted to be there to support her. I drove down for (detail removed by Moderator), I would have rather been alone. Now I’m at home just with the dog and honestly it’s so peaceful. Shes back on (detail removed by Moderator) and I’m actually dreading it – there was a time before I recognised the abuse and thought it was my fault, that I couldn’t live without her – now I’m feeling stronger – perhaps can see a way out?

I’m too apprehensive at this point, to mention it’s over, as I always have been in the past, made to feel there’s no option but to stay in it, and as my self-esteem is so low that I almost deserve it.

If I say I want it to be over, I honestly think she will lose it start smashing things, and it will get really nasty. She said about (detail removed by Moderator) that this will all get really nasty and she would never forget implying she’d make me pay? I feel that’s what will happen.

Because we have the business (which I worked so hard and built from scratch) she’s latched on, because it’s an easy life. But I can’t get her to leave she won’t, she’s never held down a job, but I don’t want to let go of what I’ve worked so hard for.

So am trapped, again, can’t really see a way out – but I know in my heart it’s right to get out – just need to keep strong. But even right now she’s messaging and I can’t bare to give an indication that it’s over I’m just going along with it to keep the peace… when she’s back though I don’t really know how to handle this as I can’t leave? Due to the business being at home and we share the income so it will be hard to find somewhere else.
I know I need to be stronger.

Thank you again ❤️ It’s helped to write it out- I hope you both had a good Xmas x

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Hi Serendipity

So sorry to hear you are going through this. I can’t offer much good advice but felt I needed to reply as have been going through something very similar. I’m also in a same sex relationship – I am quiet/reserved my partner outgoing and friendly etc to people but they don’t see her other side (the rages, emotional abuse etc) never would I have thought the relationship is abusive – only since my therapist pointed it out very recently.

I’ve since learned about the cycle of abuse – it goes from tension to violent outbursts to regret/apology, to shifting blame/gaslighting and calm – eventually tensions build up and the abuse happens again.
In my case this happened and I’m so unaware so would always take the blame/forget and it would happen again, it would get to point I would retaliate as could not take it anymore. Which then reinforced the blame. However I’ve since learned this is a natural reaction to abuse and is in self defence.

Not sure if you can see any similar pattern with your partner? After learning this I could see the behaviour so clearly and there have been so many realisations since.

They also blamed me saying I’m not caring or loving enough implying I’m basically responsible for their happiness and well being. I could never leave her alone or have my own life really.

It’s hard to come to terms as in my nature I’m insecure and naturally take the blame, but I guess maybe abusers find it easy to take advantage of that? My dad was emotionally abusive so going into a relationship like this felt almost normal to me. It’s been years. a long time but now seeing the behaviour isn’t normal.

For her to act like this particularly in front of your child is not right. The behaviour should be accounted for. If you feel you are having to walk on eggshells to avoid the rages etc, or there’s any shift in blame this is classic abuse. It’s not your fault – I’m also pretty isolated so here if you need to talk. ❤️

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Thank you for taking the time to reply. You sound very strong and everything you say I know is right, just wish I could be that strong.

I’m in a position where I don’t know whether to go with her to her parents at Xmas – she is shutting me out now saying how dare I do this before Xmas (when the outburst and abuse came from her) saying previous she doesn’t want me there, it’s over, I’m selfish and pathetic and she’s going back on dating sites to find someone that loves her. Throwing stuff and slamming doors. Feeling like she could attack me so have to shut the door. She’s since apologised and begged to come and that she will change and it’s just an argument and I need to get over it.

I don’t know what to say when she rages and just try to diffuse it as she could lash out. I don’t know what I did to provoke this and it comes from her getting stressed about work also she doesn’t like me going to therapy.

So now she’s completely silencing me making feel guilty. It’s hard because my therapist thinks maybe she has BPD that makes me sympathise and think maybe she can’t help being this way and could get help.

I’m going to be alone here at Xmas now and feel it’s probably what she wanted all along. Yet how do I say I stay here without her making it look like I’ve caused it and it’s my fault? As I know she will. I know I’m weak but it’s years in this situation and hard to see a way out.

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