Proudtobeout

[Proudtobeout]

Thank you so much for your support, it means a lot people are rooting for me who really understand where I’m coming from.

The issue I have is that we kind of work together – different teams but we will come across each other occasionally. I love my job so am not willing to quit over this, and don’t want to let him know that he’s won. I’m also finding it hard not having his son in my life – for all intents and purposes we were a family. I worry about him when his dad gets angry.

My few friends who know have been so supportive over this and have been great at telling me how amazing I am, so I’m very lucky in that sense.

[Proudtobeout]

Oh, also, he has a little boy (who is (detail removed by Moderator) now) who he loves dearly, and I did too. Mostly he was a good dad but sometimes he’d get angry at his son too, so I felt like I needed to be there to protect an innocent little child. He was used as blackmail in the end too – “he’s going to grow up knowing what a bitch you are”, “you’re kicking him out on the street too” etc.

[Proudtobeout]

The back story

So my ex and I used to work together and became closer around (detail removed by Moderator) years ago when working (detail removed by Moderator). I knew he had a bit of a temper but didn’t really give it much thought- we all get frustrated sometimes right? And people show it in different ways.

So one thing led to another and we ended up in a relationship. Things were ok at first. He got angry quite easily about little things, but apologised afterwards and started seeing a counsellor to address it. Fast forward a few months and he stops seeing the counsellor. His anger got worse. He never physically hurt me but was very angry, shouted at me, hit the walls/furniture etc. He started using phrases like “if you really loved me you’d…” and “if you cared about my needs you would…”. He blamed his anger on his anxiety and depression, and said that he needed me to love and respect him etc etc.

By that point I think he already had a lot of power over me but I didn’t realise it at the time. Over the (detail removed by Moderator) he started asking me to do things in the bedroom that I hated, he bought me clothes (some more normal, some that were latex type outfits) and got me to walk around the house or sometimes public in them. As time went on, the things he bought and did got more and more out of my comfort zone and he made me have sex with his friend, but then got angry all-out it afterwards, saying I shouldn’t have gone through with it.

During all this time he would get angry with me overt smaller and smaller issues. The underwear I was wearing, the food I had in the freezer (he had moved in with me by this point), the fact that I walked from the car to the house before him. I ended up feeling like I needed his permission for everything I did, and that I was his possession. All the while he’d say I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t meeting his needs, he called me fat and a whore, that sort of thing.

About (detail removed by Moderator) months ago I started to realise that it wasn’t a healthy relationship and that I needed to get out, but I still loved him and didn’t want to hurt him. He had said previously that if he ever lost me he’d kill himself. Just after coming to that realisation, however, his mum was diagnosed with (detail removed by Moderator) (which I was obviously upset about but my mental health was rapidly deteriorating to the point of crying at work almost daily). A while later I talked to him about how unhappy I was and he called me all sorts of names, saying I was selfish, heartless, a callous bitch, etc etc.

I didn’t really know what to do. Things carried on as they always had, him pressuring to do things more than ever to help him cope with his mum’s illness. Eventually I opened up to a colleague, who told me that I needed to get out. One day after work I plucked up the courage to tell him I didn’t want to be with him. He called me more names, ranted on Facebook and at work to mutual colleagues, trashed my house. Said that I was kicking him out on the street and that he might do something stupid but that I wouldn’t care etc.

That was (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago. For the most part things have been ok. He’s phoned me up to shout at me and call me names, to cry until I said I’d take him back, he turned up at the door a few times, and he messaged asking me to let him see me in all the clothes he had bought me. He told me he was a changed man and I needed to take him back. But I’m free, and I’m kind of doing ok.

I just can’t escape the feelings of guilt and of needing his permission. He told me that if I respected our relationship I wouldn’t date for at least (detail removed by Moderator) months, whereas he already has a new girlfriend. I feel so much like an object. I feel ugly and fat, and so afraid of being used to please the fantasies of someone else. I feel like I need permission from him, and afraid that he’s going to turn up again.

I know many people have experienced worse, but just hoped that by coming here I could get some advice about how to escape him emotionally as well as physically.

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