Natasha

[Natasha]

He made you will with his questioning, accusing and silence. I’m still living under the same roof with one like that. He’s sleeping on the sofa for nearly two weeks now. Just trying to get him to pay a bill today on email he replied “it can’t be that much, go back and recalculate”. Then “you see the thing is you make mistakes you see” constant unde undermining all over a bill that we both need to pay took ages for him to finally say ‘OK’. I heard him arguing with someone on the phone earlier re a contract or something still sounded full of anger/frustration. When we moved house the removal men complained about him to the office as he was ordering them around so I know at least it’s not only me but he’s clearly got issues. Now I’m just getting replies full of exclamation marks even on email he’s mean in his replies. Yeah I’d focus on yourself and doing the things you love. I know it’s easier said than done but we can only try to do whatever makes us feel happy. Stay strong.

[Natasha]

Thanks I went to yoga but it opened up my heart chakra and I cried a bit. He asked me when I got home (first time he’s spoken to me in a week) and on Valentine’s Day with no acknowledgment how to work the washing machine and the oven. I calmly gave him instructions then left him to it but I’m hurting tonight, my heart feels heavy. Craving the counselling really so I can talk it out. Glad I acted quickly this time by calling EAP as all these services involve a waiting period. Feel like I’m grieving after that yoga class. Hope I feel better tomorrow for work as prefer it when I’m feeling stronger.

[Natasha]

Thanks, yes that’s a good way to look at it. I’ve booked a gym class today. I don’t feel like it but I think I should push myself to get out of the house for a while and maintain some sort of normality. It’s hard even finding the motivation but oncd I’m out I feel better. Just to distract myself for a while.

[Natasha]

I just think schools & workplaces need educating on abusive relationships to make it more acceptable in society for people to know that it’s ok to leave. He was even being controlling in my dream last night. im sorting all the bills outstanding from our old flat & he is saying (he will only communicate via email) that he won’t pay his share unless I send him all outstanding bills in one email with bills attached. I’ve already sent them to him individually with a breakdown and pointed out I’m doing all the admin for both of us & since his name is on the bill he’s legally responsible but this is just another way to control. He finds new methods all the time. He tried saying he would deduct the few ciggerettes I’d smoked on the off Friday which were his but I pointed out I’d paid toward his travel to work for months since I got my salary increase so he could deduct the odd cigarette out of that) which soon made him change his mind to ok so we are equal then (we are not as I paid more for his travel but I just had to point that out as he’s trying to control me financially now it’s coming to an end then he tried threatening me to say if there’s problems daily (only bills that have come in) he’d have to tell the landlord he’s leaving and I said that’s fine tell him but I’ll also tell him I’m staying with the tenancy contract as I’m happy here. He uses blackmail and threats for power/control. I realise our marriage has broken completely down this time as he refused to communicate only over email and said if I raise any other shit on email he won’t respond. Even on email he drains me but it’s better than having to deal with verbal or physical abuse. He came home very late again last night no idea where he goes or where he gets the money but I just worry that he will be drunk, fall & hurt himself but I have to try to not think about him now. I told him that if he’s going to sleep separately and live separately like a lodger buy his own food etc then he had to pay half the rent and bills. I had originally agreed to pay more as I earn more but he’s not being my husband anymore he says he’s leaving and he doesn’t sleep with me in the same bed. He’s agreed to that until he leaves. After these old bills are cleared I’ll only have to email him re the new bills & rent and I’ll keep it businesslike. He has got abusuvd on email saying I’m a liar and manipulative but I just replied that I’m not those things. I met a friend yesterday and told her what he said re I have no friends and everyone hates me and she couldn’t believe it – told me I’ve got more friends than he has. He is still trying to make it my fault, he isn’t taking any accountability and he still sounds angry. I told him he just can’t handle mr because I stick up for myself and always will. I’m happy to end it this time and feeling stronger, I think the counselling support will help me too. He’s just pushing me further and further away. I think leaving is what he needs as he’s threatened it before so many times but this time he needs to follow through and actually do it. It will do him good to follow through and realise he can’t keep making threats. It’s s cycle and if he doesn’t leave it will just happen again in about 3 months time when things seem to be going well and I’m happy again he will deliberately find some reason to upset the apple cart. I need to make some new friends as I can’t talk to all the ones I have and it would be positive for me do I’m thinking to join some new social groups like a walking group or something. He keeps saying he won’t leave until I’ve paid off my half of the wedding loan which is in his name and paid him his deposit which I’ll get back at the end of the contract but I said he needs to get his name removed from the tenancy and changed into my name on the deposit if I pay him it early to leave. My property should be sold within 4-8 weeks so I’m grateful to be in s position where I can pay him his deposit and call his bluff but I think I’ll make sure it’s done properly through a solicitor do that he can’t take the money then change his
mind. I am slowly building s good relationship with my landlord do that should help too. Thing is I don’t feel any emotions for him any love I feel a bit out of touch with my emotions like I’m not crying or anything I expect to feel grief but I don’t. I’m just being kind to myself, doing things that make me feel good while he’s still in the house and preparing myself for his departure. I’m not going to try anymore it’s his decision and I’m tired of trying to try again. He’s ruined our moving in, his birthday and Valentine’s Day.

[Natasha]

Thank you all for responding. It’s really given me the strength I need to get through each day this week. I am just doing the freedom programme now and he’s texting me from wherever he’s gone after work re his deposit when the time comes for him to leave. Even the tone on his texts is annoying. Like he’s testing me to see how I’m feeling now re his announcement that he’s leaving. Hes buying his own food etc so we have been living separate lives for a week since yesterday and I’m getting used to it. Not feeling so sad anymore. Of course work colleagues wished me happy valentines and I accepted their wishes and bought myself a big bar of chocolate on the way home from work. I’m just trying to stay positive. i am still shocked though the the reactions from some friends. I’ve had lots of oh all marriages go through ups and downs but y’know it’s about staying in it and sorting things out but if I feel like it’s an abusive cycles I don’t want to sort things out because he’s too controlling and wants it all his way. People really need educating that it’s ok to give up if you’ve tried for too long. I just feel a mixture of love/hate for him now. It’s night 9 of him sleeping on the sofa. All the rent and bills are now set up in my name so that’s one good thing as will make it easier when he moves out and I get a female in to help share.I’ve taken all your advice on board. I like the one about making a list of friends not to confide in. This experience makes me realise how important it is to be there for our friends and not close doors on them when they need us the most. So glad I decided to seek professional help. The counselling organisation should call me Monday hopefully not heard anything back from that other organisation the lady said they’d call within 48 hours so glad I used another agency too.

[Natasha]

Thanks for the advice I’ll definitely look up those books. After speaking to my mum yesterday who also said she’s had enough of hearing about him and how this has been going on too long and that he’s no longer welcome at her house if this is how he treats me and asked me not to talk about him to get again (another door closed) I rang my EAP employee assistance programme where I work. I went into an office and broke down and told them everything. They were really good the bloke I spoke to and he’s refereed me to counselling so I should hear back Friday or Monday not heard back from that one I rang a couple of days ago they must be busy but I’ll definitely get counselling through EAP at a lower cost rate because he said I need longer term support rather than the 5 weeks sessions for free they usually offer. I’ll have to pay but it should be OK to sort out a lower arrangement fee. It’s been a week now. Yesterday was tough (detail removed by moderator) and I started to miss him especially seeing messages on FB from both his and my friends and someone who had the hots for him some girl I’m no longer a friend of because she used to flirt with him (some friend) but feel bit stronger today. I’m like a see saw!

[Natasha]

Thanks. I’m feeling it more today because it’s his birthday and since its day 6 of him sleeping on the sofa after telling me he’s leaving & asking me to cancel the celebration plans is made at the weekend I haven’t done anything. It’s not my character to ignore a birthday but I don’t see why I should do anything. Valentine’s weekend coming up too I think I just need to get past these two dates. I’m pleased with the support I’ve got so far. I just have to keep going. It helps to know others are going through similar thing. The friend I tried to confide in who said perhaps I shouldn’t tell her about my relationship problems and let’s go out when it’s all blown over hasn’t responded to my my 2 chatty texts either which don’t even mention him. Being ignored by him and a close friend hurts but I get that she just can’t handle it and I’m glad I can come on here and seek other support. It just makes me wary of telling other friends because people are so quick to judge. Still putting on a brave face at work and just trying to stay strong and empower myself. He came in late last night and I was trying to get to sleep – his clothes are in our bedroom so he was gathering his stuff to take to the sofa. I felt anxiety as I never know if he’s going to talk or be drunk or something but so far we are both keeping out of each other’s way. I think 6 nights is the longest he’s been on the sofa – and I feel things coming to an end this time. I can’t keep putting myself through cycle after cycle when he wants his space he creates an argument over the smallest thing, says he’s leaving then does the silent treatment. It’s definitely a repeated cycle. I tried to tell a male friend yesterday and he said “but you must have known what you were getting into when you met him/married him. I said that he was nice to me until I moved in and I married him because I’d already been through a lot by then but was living in hope that things would get better and that he’d change. I live with a jackyl & Hyde character so it’s not always bad but I’ve now been with him long enough to see its a cycle. I hope my posts help others aswell to relate to.

[Natasha]

I got through to (removed by moderator) today and they have no spaces for counselling right now but have put me in touch with another organisation so I’m going to talk to them for support. Taking one day at a time. Thanks again for your support and advice.

[Natasha]

Thank you. I came home from work tonight and he was happily eating his dinner while watching on the sofa. He can’t cook but can throw something easy together. He gets a cooked hot lunch at work for free everyday. He seems so smug/looks happy. He ignored me as I walked past again to get to the kitchen to put my shopping away. We are living separate lives and in this new house the sofa is more comfy so he appears in no hurry to remove himself from it. I felt disdain for him tonight. For all the hurt and pain he’s put me through. I hope I can stay feeling this way toward him as it will make it easier when it comes to him leaving. I am just trying to be good to myself. I had a dream a couple of days ago where we were in love/happy then I woke up and it felt like I was waking up into a nightmare as I immediately realised he was sleeping downstairs and we weren’t happy like in my dream. I’m glad I like my job as I can focus on that and just try to be kind to myself to get through living in silence/separate lives but at least I love the house and it’s more peaceful than having him come home moody with a miserable face. He seems happier sitting on the sofa not acknowledging my presence. I guess he feels in control. I think I can tolerate living like this in the meantime especially (removed by moderator) . He has been wanting space so now he’s got it but he’s pushed me away and I’m getting used to my space. We moved from a flat to a house do its a novelty having more room. I found it harder to live this way when he did this in the flat. I’m thinking about it a lot and all the painful situations through the cycles since I met him. How controlled I’ve felt. He’s definitely a dominating man who likes to be in control but why was I attracted to that? I think getting my own counselling will help. I’m realising how few friends I’m close to. How few friends I have to turn to which is a lonely feeling. I’m a sociable person but I’ve hidden my true feelings because when I’ve tested them out on friends I’ve received negative responses or even felt my friends were being too overbearing saying I should leave him. I have felt loyal to him like I shouldn’t speak too negatively of him when I’ve felt they are judging him. I realise I’ve been a bit of a doormat with him instead of fighting for what I want but he’s such a strong dominating personality I’ve tried them given up for an easy life rather than upset him or get into a heated argument.

[Natasha]

Managed to get on freedom programme via calling them directly & arranging to post a cheque – will try the W&G network again later. It’s just all so draining. I just feel exhausted by it all and on the verge of tears most of the time but will try to relax tonight.

[Natasha]

Yes both our names on the agreement. Only been in the house less than a week, barely know the landlord, can’t afford to pay rent on my own but once he’s gone I can get someone else into share. Spent my entire lunch not being able to get through to the girls and women’s network. Tried to download the freedom programme but it won’t accept my debit card and I don’t have a credit card. It seems this is the easiest way to get support as not easy to get onto either freedom programme or to talk to a counselling programme. Feeling frustrated.

[Natasha]

Thanks for all your support. We only moved into our rental together last week so it’s a tricky time to move out. I love the house and don’t want to leave it. We had to work hard to get it and the new landlord barely knows us. It’s not even been a week there. So dissapointed that he’s chosen now to flare up again.

I think if I get the police involved it might make things worse. I should have enough money in a month to pay him and then when his deposit gets returned I’ll take that to repay myself so that I don’t lose out financially.

Tonight will be day 5 of him sleeping on the sofa, he doesn’t speak to me unless he has to re the landlord or something and so we are just trying to stay out of each other’s way. We both work full time so it’s just evenings and weekends really and this weekend he stayed out quite a lot.

i am going to take all the steps I can to help myself and I think counselling will help. It’s a difficult time and just knowing there’s this support helps immensely because I can’t talk to friends about it. I’m going to make some more calls for support at lunchtime (I’m at work) thanks again. Really appreciate it.

[Natasha]

Thank you, I think I’m beginning to realise this now. It’s always the same familiar pattern and he never takes accountability and always blames me to the point I start to question whether I did start it. I think this one has been a wake up call for me. I’m beginning to see him for who he really is and question how much longer we can go on like this and try to accept that it must come to an end and that no time will be the right time but I just hope I can find the strength to go through it. I don’t know how others have gotten through so much worse by reading some of the stories. It’s so hard. Hard to accept the reality. I said to him you are supposed to love me yet sometimes I feel so much hate from you. I think he’s stopped respecting me as a person. It’s so draining.

[Natasha]

Thanks so much for replying. It means a lot to have my feelings heard. I think I’ve been in denial for a long time because I just live for the good times and hope that things will get better. He did get arrested once. Again he was drunk and had followed me to the pub where I was meeting my friends out of jealousy and on the way home a couple driving by saw him push me and rang the police. He spent the night in a cell and got a caution. The next day when they let him out he cried and said he thought he’d lost me. I always thought I was so strong but I feel so weak with him because he wears me down. I have mild anxiety and my friends all see me as a soft person but I answer back and fight back too when it turns physical. I think I’m still trying to accept and come to terms with the reality and am trying to reach out for some support. Sadly I think I still love him and this is holding me back. I recognise it’s a cycle and pray that when it’s good he will stay happy but he’s moody and it always seems to end up with him flaring up over the smallest thing, putting me down. I just can’t believe I’m in this situation. I never thought I’d find myself with someone like him let alone married to. I know I need to get stronger. I’m so glad to have this support group as its a first for me to talk to others in similar situations. I can’t afford to pay the rent on my own but I’m selling some property so as soon as that goes through I will be able to give him the deposit to leave. I think I’d rather do that than get the police involved unless I have to. It’s the calm after the storm at the moment. He’s giving me the silent treatment and staying out of my way. At least it’s more peaceful than dealing with his anger and gives me time to think.

[Author]

Posts