Roux

[Roux]

This post really hit home because I was once in your shoes and it’s terrifying. The first thing I’d do is see your GP, if you haven’t already. If you haven’t got any other evidence of abuse, such as having been to the police, the GP will be able to back you up in the future. Tell your GP what’s happening and ask whether they have any advice or local charities that can help. Even ask for counselling because it will really help you through this. Expect the GP to potentially want to involve social services but let them. I was terrified about this too as I’d been convinced by my ex that I was a terrible mother and social services would take my babies away. The reality is that they will help to keep you and your children safe and can back you up in the future.

With the GP or social services able to confirm that you’ve been in an abusive relationship, you should then be entitled to legal aid. I think lots of men in this position use the threat of custody to exert their power and they’re clinging on for dear life because they know it’s in the end game at this point. For me this was the most scary stage because desperate people do desperate things. Remember that if you’ve been the main carer and you’ve got the back up of a professional to say that you’re fleeing domestic violence, then you’re simply going through the motions. You should still be on guard. Personally I’d restrict access if I weren’t certain I’d get my kids back. I’d potentially even change schools. Sure he may in the future have a right to access but until the courts had decided, I probably wouldn’t feel comfortable if I thought there was a very real risk that I wouldn’t get my kids back. Lot’s of women go completely into hiding.

Also I would think about talking to the school. They do occasionally deal with situations like this and they would probably be very supportive. If they felt there were a safeguarding issue, they may call social services but again that’s nothing to worry about. They’ll want to know you’re doing the best thing for your children and usually that means leaving.

[Roux]

A woman can be raped and her body can still respond in the same way as having consensual sex. That’s just the body doing what the body does. It’s the mental element of being forced or coerced into sex that is painful and I think that the pain carries on even years after it’s all over.

My ex used to call me frigid, a lesbian, a-sexual and all kinds of other names. I would just lay there while the act was taking place and then rush off for a shower afterwards. I would dread sex so much. It would usually hurt and it was always horrible, even if my body did somewhat react. I just felt gross and it look away what little strength I had left.

After I left, it took me months to be interested in sex and men again. I left actually convinced I was a-sexual.

Looking at it on a much more simple level, years out of my situation, if a male ‘friend’ told me he was going to steal my car unless I had sex with him, I think I would consider that coercion or even rape. Especially if that friend had first convinced me that I couldn’t survive without the car. So why is it different that when we consider ourselves in a relationship, that we somehow convince ourselves that it’s anything less than that?

[Roux]

As everyone else has said, this is gaslighting. He is aware of his tactics, even if he perhaps isn’t aware of what it’s called. To me, I think this is one of the most confusing and difficult parts of abuse to overcome because it completely wears you down and leaves you at their mercy. It is very hard to see things clearly while living in this kind of situation. Trust your instincts!

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