Scully

[Scully]

I don’t know how I will manage if I leave cos the thought of not being with him hurts a lot. It isn’t like he is nasty all the time otherwise I could walk away just like that. That’s the thing on the one hand I have this man that I don’t want to be without and on the other the same man but as a monster. I guess I’m not so much worried about what he is saying as angry that he could go around saying things that aren’t true when he knows he has hurt me. I think it is the what if monster in my head saying what if I do that? Or what if he changes? What if I love him more? It is that side of me that is challenging me. Just the fact he had me fall in love with him cos he was so loving and we had such a great time together just that itself is bad enough especially if he knew he wasn’t going to maintain it. It is torture waiting around for snippets of the man I thought I had this amazing connection with. I know really for my own safety and well being I need to move on but I somehow need to convince myself that he is never going to be the man I thought he was.

[Scully]

I guess what I was trying to say by talking about the books is that he has learned how to be manipulative. I know the woman who runs the group may not understand but I really felt the need to tell her so that if he is going there and playing victim maybe she won’t feed it so much.
I am leaving the house now as he will finished at group and I don’t know if the woman has spoken to him at all. Hopefully not to the point where he would have any reason to be anymore mad at me. I don’t know if I will leave completely but I’m leaving for now cos it is also my night to be with my kids. Heaven only knows I need the space now. I have developed hives since (detail removed by Moderator) last year and I’m smoking, something I used to do when I was younger. I keep saying I’m gonna quit but I get so stressed I just can’t do it. The thing that angers me the most is that he always justifies his behaviour. Even though I know and say it isn’t justified. He seems to know all the buttons to push with me and I hate it.

[Scully]

I still don’t know how he gets to me so much even when I’ve told myself I won’t let him.
It seems crazy, the emotions hurt and anger I have inside.
I don’t have anyone to talk to apart from my ex husband, I don’t have any close friends and no family apart from my ex and my kids. This guy who has no family either and he has only ever introduced me to two of his friends.
I don’t understand how this happened really I thought we had a connection. I’ve never had an abusive relationship before. I’m not the most confident person in the world (I was bullied for all my school life) but I think I’m kind. Although I have been told by a couple of exes before that I’m selfish. I’m just so confused. The woman from the ptsd group didn’t say that she thought it was abuse, she didn’t say much at all. I’m just having a battle with myself right now, the half that wants to walk away and the half that seems to want to stay although I’ve no idea why.

[Scully]

Hi. Thank u for your replies. Often when I go back it is cos I feel sad or think oh poor him or that I have done something wrong. He justifies himself all the time saying I don’t pay enough towards the bills. The truth is we do struggle every month and for most of last summer I didn’t have a job so bought our food on my credit cards. Now I have a part time job but after paying my credit card bills I can only pay my half the rent,water bills and Internet bill. Cos of this he says I don’t pay enough towards things and now he has said that I should see my kids less to save on petrol so I can pay more to the household bills. We have had this argument this very day. I refused saying that I only see them twice a week as it is. They live about (detail removed by Moderator) miles away, I only moved out to his way for it to be easier for him to get to work as he didn’t want to commute. Now cos I have refused be said he is going to tell everyone that I am a lying sl**per who refused to pay her way and share the bills etc. His work place is connected to mine due to the type of work we do. The thing is even though I think I have done nothing wrong I’m worried what kind of bs he will come up with. He Is a top manipulator he has lots of psychology books and knows about CBT therapy etc due to his (detail removed by Moderator). I have seen him sway people before till they believe all the crap he says. I tried to be one step ahead of him today and after our row I went to his precious ptsd group and spoke to the group leader. I told her that he was initially referred to them after he broke down after being violent to me. I told her I had hoped the group would help but that it only seems to feed his narcissistic self righteous victim mode. She said she will talk to her superior about it but I don’t know if she will. He has gone to the group now and I’m sat in the house alone fuming at the injustice wishing I could retaliate somehow. I’m seething inside with one pathetic side of me still loving him and the other wishing I could take revenge even just one punch. I wouldn’t though cos then I would be as bad as him but also I don’t have the strength compared to him anyway. I’m starting to feel like it is either all just Game to him or he is so full of hate for himself that all he knows is to take it out on others, carefully though so as bit to get caught.

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